Triathlete, Goddess!

To Do List

2010-04-26T13:21:00.003-04:00

I am leaving for Spain on Thursday. I am nowhere near trained for the level of activity I will be faced with, but I'll just have to take each day/workout as it comes. This is supposed to be my vacation, after all...

Things to do when I get back from Spain...

1. Get back to on-line dating. Not having any prospects in real life means that I have to resort to the on-line thing again. Sigh.
2. Finish my projects in my condo to get it ready to be listed for sale. Yes, FOR SALE!! See #3.
3. Buy a house. :)

I'm sick of condo living and really need an outdoor space. Not a huge garden (don't want the responsibility), but at least a deck/patio where I can have a BBQ and some pots of plants and some herbs. In time, I'd like to try my hand at a vegetable garden, but I'd probably have to give up some things I love to find the time to really make it work.

Anyway, that's all I have for now. Hola!

The Non-Date No-Go

2010-03-23T08:05:00.003-04:00

I think I've mentioned S, the guy I reconnected with on FS a few weeks ago - the one whose e-mail made me re-sign just so I could read it.

Anyway, he lives in London but will be in Mississauga on business this week. He suggested we get together for dinner one night. I suggested Tuesday (today), he said that was good and asked me to suggest a place/time, which I did. This was last Thursday.

All along I have been considering this a "non-date" and I believe that he is, too. I don't think either one of us wants to be involved in a long-distance relationship.

I haven't heard from him since then. I went on FS to see if he had at least read the message - if he had, I would likely still go to the meeting spot I suggested. But as of this morning, he still hasn't read the message! Weird.

So, it looks like my Non-Date is going to be a No-Go this evening.

Going back to what my sister and I talked about last month, unless he has a really good reason for not confirming with me until today, I am going to bail on my date with him tonight. It goes back to the whole thing about being too accommodating and letting the other person drive the relationship too often.

And now that I think about it, he sort of did this to me last time we communicated: at the time I was also starting to see R, so it wasn't a big deal, but S had said something about being in town and getting together while he was here, but then he just dropped off and I never heard from him again until a year later.

That's it. Decision made: I will not be meeting him for dinner this evening.

Back at it

2010-03-16T08:39:00.004-04:00

I ran again yesterday evening. Again, I didn't wear my Garmin or track my time on my watch. I ran a route I normally run and know that it is about 5K, and that I did it in about 30 minutes (based on the time I left and the time I got back). But I'm still not officially tracking my workouts or following a plan other than "run when I feel like it."

The run felt OK. I took a short walk break about 2/3 of the way through - I still feel a bit sluggish. The weather was beautiful, though, and it was so nice to be out in the sun and daylight. I'm looking forward to tomorrow evening's run because it will be the first "daylight" runpub of the year. Up until now, the only way to run in daylight is to do it in the morning, or right after work; runpub has always been in the dark. But now that the sun isn't setting until 7:30 I'll get my evening run in before it gets dark.

I leave for England a week from Friday. Between now and then I have a few goals. It's not really "training" or "dieting" but just some guidelines to keep me from gaining any more weight.

1. Run when I feel like it. Hopefully I "feel like it" more than twice per week.
2. Abstain from alcohol.
3. Abstain from junk food and sweets.
4. Be mindful of my eating (no mindless snacking).
5. Take one "cheat day" (this Saturday) where I can drink and eat cake since I am going to a BD party that evening.
6. Weigh myself both Friday mornings (3/19 and 3/26).

I have to admit that I'm a bit scared to weigh myself this Friday. I know that I've gained some weight and I'm a little worried about the number I am going to see. That's part of the reason for my "guidelines" above. I'm hoping that if I can stick to those, that Friday's number won't be so bad.

Shallow?

2010-03-12T14:46:00.004-05:00

Is it shallow of me to dismiss/reject someone because of their age? There's this man on FS who has contacted me several times. The first time, I wasnt't a paying member so I couldn't reply (not that I wanted to). The second time, there wasn't really anything in his message worth replying to. So today, he e-mails me AGAIN with this big long explanation (which I didn't even read in its entirety) detailing how we are so alike in so many ways, blah-blah-blah.

He's 66. My mother is 70. I am NOT dating a guy who is 24 years older than I am and only four years younger than my mother! Period! End of discussion.

Ugh. Dating sucks.

I have two aquaintances - R&J - who are a couple with a 20-year age difference between them: she is mid-40s, he is mid-60s. I don't know how long they have been a couple. It works for them.

I just can't see it working for me.

Yeah, pretty much a waste of money

2010-03-11T09:03:00.002-05:00

On dating:

Yup, the $30 I paid to re-join FS is likely money down the drain. There isn't anyone remotely interesting on the site, and the two guys I have e-mailed have not responded (one has read the message and viewed my profile, the other hasn't). Oh well.

I did get a reply from S to my e-mail to him. He said he'd also been off the site for a year, having met and dated someone during that time. They are no longer together. But he did say something that concerned me, which is that he had just gone through another round of cancer treatment. I knew that he had cancer (from our previous e-mail converstations) but didn't know that he was still dealing with it. I don't know that I'd have it in me to date someone knowing that they have cancer. Hmm.

On weight:

Ugh. My pants feel tight. As much as I feel mentally better for taking some time off from diet and exercise, I feel like I've set myself back three years (weight and fitness-wise) in just two weeks! I haven't weighed myself, so I don't know how much damage I've done, but I don't like the way I look or feel right now.

Time to re-think my strategy on both fronts.

I paid $30 for this??

2010-03-09T14:23:00.004-05:00

C is a bad influence on me. "Enabler" is what she called it. Ha!

Well, I re-signed at FS. My curiosity got the best of me and I just had to know what S had written to me. Not only can you not read e-mail that someone sends you unless you are a paid member, but you can't even see the title of the message!

Here it is, for what it's worth (surely not $30!):

From: LifeWriter
Date: Mar 7, 2010 9:48PM EST
Subject: I cant believe you are still on here

Googles;

What is the deal. I come on here to see if anythig has changed and here you are....I propose a freedom 50 deal; if we are both unattached when we are 50 we get married.

Cheers and good luck!
S

I replied to his message, and also sent a message off to the other guy who looked interesting. Neither of them has read the message yet.

In doing a quick search of the site (sometimes I'm picky with my search criteria*, sometimes not), I didn't really see anyone else of interest. I've set a reminder for myself to cancel my membership before it auto-renews in a month from now. My optimistic side says, "Maybe the guy you are meant to meet isn't on the site yet and will sign up in the next few weeks!" Right. I'm trying to continue to believe that.

And I also got another message from the 66-year-old guy who'd messaged me back in February. I just deleted that one.

*On the topic of search criteria (which isn't as important on FS as it is on PoF because there are far fewer people on FS to sort through), it's interesting to see what guys put on their preferences. The vast majority of guys who are within my searched age range (43-49) are all looking for women who are no older than 45 - which means I wouldn't show up on their searches. And some of them are looking for women who are no older than five years younger than they are (e.g., 45 year-old guy who is looking for a woman between 30-40). What's up with that???

Anyyyyyyway... I'll give it one more try for the next month. I'm also looking for other opportunities to get out into social situations, but not much has come up yet.

To Re-sign or Not to Re-sign?

2010-03-08T09:41:00.002-05:00

A while back I closed all my on-line dating profiles. Closed, meaning "hidden" so that I wouldn't show up in someone's search results, but my account is still there so that if I decide to reactivate it, I don't have to re-do it.

Today, I got a message saying that I had new mail. Weird: how could I have new mail if my account is hidden? Well, it's mail from a guy I had been communicating with last May (before R and I hooked up) who had then dropped off for some reason. But since I am no longer a paying member, I can't read the message! I am so curious to read it, but I'd have to pay $29.95 for one month (or $59.95 for 3 months) just to read one message! That seems like a waste to me.

So, I then did a quick search to see who was on-line who fit my search parameters. There were a lot of the same old guys, but a few new ones, too. One guy really piqued my interest, but that was just based on his photo and his stats - he didn't have any write-up at all. I would feel weird e-mailing someone to say that I liked his stats the way he looked!

My friend L says that spring/summer is a bad time to do on-line because most guys want to be out meeting girls in skirts and sandals, not holed up typing on their computer. Interesting perspective.

So, I'm torn. I'll sit on it for a few days and see what I decide to do. Input is welcome!

Baby Steps

2010-03-04T08:34:00.002-05:00

I ran last night. I didn't over-think it, I just did it. It was Wednesday - my regular runpub day - and the weather was beautiful.

My new Lulu running capris were still sitting in the bag with the tags on. They were almost begging me to put them on.

For inspiration, I wore the Tri-It vest that C sent me. As I left the house I grabbed the one hat that was hanging by the door: my finisher's hat from Ironman Canada in 2006 - a reminder that this is something I do, something that is part of me.

I ran without a plan. S suggested a route, and I was fine with that. I've done the route before, so I know it is 6K (3K out, 3K back). I didn't wear a Garmin, or even turn on the chrono on my watch. I was running, and I didn't want to focus on how far or how fast I was going (because that would be a bit too much like "training"). Of course, in the back of my mind, I knew that S was wearing a watch and J (our other running partner) was wearing a Garmin.

When we finished our run, S asked me how long we'd run, as he'd forgotten to turn on his watch. I said that I hadn't, either, but that J was wearing her Garmin. Turns out that her battery had died, so she didn't have the time for our run, either. Perfect!

I really did enjoy the run last night: I was with friends, I felt good (not sluggish like I had the day before), and best of all I felt no pressure. I think I will carry on with this approach for the next few weeks: just run when the mood strikes me, go as far/fast as I feel like going at the time. No Garmin, no watch, no log. I always have a sense of how far/long I've run - partly because I know the distance of a lot of the routes I typically run, partly because I have a built-in clock that's pretty accurate. But I'm not going to officially track anything and just enjoy running for the time being.

To run or not to run?

2010-03-03T10:21:00.003-05:00

As I was walking from the office to the train in the beautiful sunshine yesterday I was thinking about what it would take to get me running again.

I've discovered that the thing I was struggling with was the schedule, not the running/exercise itself. I felt like I "had" to do it; I "had" to stick to the schedule. As a result, I was not enoying the activities because I felt a sense of obligation to do them.

Generally speaking I am a "social exerciser." I enjoy the cameraderie of running and biking with friends. I enjoy solo running from time to time, but I almost always prefer to have company. For cycling, I ALWAYS prefer to have company: I don't like riding alone.

I'm also not really big on classes - spin class, body pump, yoga, whatever. I'm not really a "class" person. Now that's different than getting together with a group of friends for an indoor trainer ride - I quite like doing that (if it's the only option in the winter - I still prefer the outdoor ride).

So, going back to my original question: What will it take? Well, I know I will run again when I want to run. Not because I can't stand NOT running. It's a subtle difference, but it's very clear in my mind. Some people have a compulsion to run, and they will start running again because they just can't stand NOT running. I've been that person in the past. But this time, I am more focused on starting to run again because I want to enjoy the experience of running, not because I don't like the experience of NOT running. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this clearly, but it's the best I can do.

I did run yesterday. Briefly. I was again inspired to go for a walk in the sunshine when I got home from work. I took a slightly different route than I had the day before. Again, I had to run to catch a light, but then went right back to my walk. Towards the end, a song came on my iPod that inspired me to run, so I did. How long is a song? 4-5 minutes? That's about how long I ran. I felt very sluggish at first, and winded after I stopped. Ugh. I hope I was just having a bad day because it almost felt like how I felt 12 years ago when I first started running outside.

Today is Wednesday. The sun is shining and the weather will again be warm. I think I might want to run this afternoon. We'll see.

ETA: When I got home from my walk/run yesterday I opened the mail. Inside was my finisher's certificate from the Las Vegas Marathon. It's funny, because as I was struggling to run the three blocks a few minutes earlier, I was thinking that anyone who saw me would never imagine that I am a three-time Ironman and four-time marathoner! LOL Maybe I needed to see that certificate to remind me that I am.

Confession

2010-03-02T09:45:00.002-05:00

I went for a walk after work yesterday. The weather was so nice and I felt like I was "wasting" a perfectly good day due to my exercise ban.

I deliberately didn't wear a sports bra so that I wouldn't be tempted to run. Even though I had my running shoes on, nothing else was really "running" gear, so I wasn't even tempted (except when I had to jog across the street when the light was changing).

The walk was lovely! I didn't time myself or wear my Garmin. I think I was out about 30 minutes, but that's just an estimate. It really doesn't matter. Today is supposed to be another beautiful day, so I might do this again.

I know I will run again. And I'm unlikely to hold out for the full five weeks, especially if the weather is this good. But when I do get back into it, it will not be on a schedule. I will run when I feel like running, and not run when I don't.

Running, exercise and diet ban

2010-03-01T11:43:00.002-05:00

I haven't written here about diet or weight loss in quite a while. A little bit of background: last Monday I kind of hit a wall and didn't feel able to keep up with my regular routine of diet and exercise. I made the decision to "give up" those things for the next 4-5 weeks.

Here's what I wrote on RM about it:

So, as I wrote in the Training forum as well as in my Journal, I am taking a break from exercise for a while. Even thought I was fairly candid in my original post about my reasons, it's really so complicated.

It was unreal - I was actually walking to the gym in the blowing snow when I stopped in my tracks, turned 180 degrees and walked back to the car. It was a painful decision at first, but then very liberating to do it. The good thing is that it's on my own terms (not a forced break due to injury).

I've always believed that we "make" our own situations in life. We are where we are (largely) due to the choices we make, or how we choose to respond to the events that life presents us with. But I was just starting to feel in so many areas of my life that it didn't matter what I did, I was either beating my head against a brick wall, or I was on this endless treadmill that was getting me nowhere. So I made the decision to "do a different thing" (as George Costanza would say), hoping to get different results.

I'm tired: physically, mentally, and emotionally. I just need a break before I break!

I'm still not 100% sure I've made the right decision or how I am going to handle it. With C and A in town this weekend we had planned to run and I was looking forward to it (in a way), but also dreading it in other ways. In the end, we never ran because we stayed up too late on Friday and drank too much on Saturday. Oops.

It's weird: I did have a dream over the weekend in which I was running.

Some observations after eight days of not running, exercising, or dieting:

1) I still don't miss it (yet).
2) I still have lots of the same little aches and pains I had when I was still running.
3) I feel fat and sluggish.
4) I am tired, though I think that also has to do with staying up late watching Olympics the past 17 days, as well as a weekend of too much alcohol and too little sleep.
5) Mentally and emotionally, I love not being a slave to the schedule.
6) Now that the Olympics are over, I have to find something else to do with my time so that I don't waste the time I used to spend exercising on stupid and meaningless things.

#3 is the most concerning for me. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that. I don't want to "diet" (which, to me, means counting calories, limiting portions, and forbidding myself to eat certain foods) but I don't want my eating to go to hell, either. And with the lack of exercise, every extra thing I put in my mouth will go directly to my gut.

I've had mixed reactions from friends (running and non-running) and family (non-running) about this. And though people are well-meaning, I don't know that I really want to hear all their opinions on what they think I should or shouldn't do. At least not right now, since I'll be taking their "opinions" and "suggestions" as criticisms of my decision, whether or not they are meant that way. That's why I'm posting this here instead of over on RM.

And then there were none

2010-02-22T07:50:00.002-05:00

My dating pool is now completely empty. Here's how things played out since Friday:

Friday, 10:18AM
Him: Would you like to go for coffee on Sunday...
11:15AM
Me: Sure. When and where? The afternoon is best for me.
5:40PM
Him: I wouldn't mind coming to (your neighbourhood)... The afternoon works for me...
5:45PM
Me: Be sure to pack a lunch for your journey ;) Give me a call and we can settle on a location/time.

Saturday - nothing.

Sunday, 11:30AM
Me: Good morning. What's the plan for this aft?

4:21PM
Him: Oh my gosh! I am sooo sorry, but I didn't think that we were on for today. :( I must have missed a text or voice mail from you... It's totally my fault I should have phoned you Friday after work.
=======================================

I have not replied to his last text. What's to reply to? Am I to say that it's no problem that he totally blew me off? That it's OK? That I'll make myself available (again) for him this week? No.

If he hadn't cancelled our previous date (by TEXT!!) the week before, I might have overlooked it. If he had actually CALLED ME at 4:20 yesterday instead of SENDING A TEXT, I might have given him another chance. But no; this is stupid.

I also know that it's a test of my new resolve not to be so damned accommodating. Any time I put something out there to the universe I always get tested on how serious I am about it.

So, with J out of the picture, I've managed to successfully exhaust my pool of potential dates. I've closed my two on-line accounts, so the pool isn't likely to be replenished any time soon.

I already have a cat - anyone know where I can get a moo-moo?

Two-day Rule

2010-02-19T13:40:00.003-05:00

My sister and I had an interesting discussion last night. Something I've come to realize is that in an attempt to be less rigid, more spontaneous, and generally agreeable, I have also become overly-accommodating. This is a problem because it means that I am TOO easy-going, and don't put my foot down when something is important to me. Instead, I pretend like it isn't a big deal, and just stew about it internally.

This applies especially in my dating life. You all remember J, the one I was supposed to go running with on Monday and who TEXTED me late Sunday night to cancel? Well, I was VERY accommodating with him, telling him that it was no problem that he cancelled (BY TEXT!!) and that I was free next/this weekend. So, I hadn't actually heard from J all week and had pretty much written him off. My friend L suggested that perhaps he saw me as too available, thereby making me less marketable. He claims that guys like the hunt; they like the challenge of someone who is just a little bit out of their reach.

Back to the conversation with my sister... she asked me what I thought would be a reasonable lead time to expect from someone asking me out on a date. I said that two days would likely be reasonable (I know The Rules say not to accept a weekend date that is made after Wednesday, the theory being that it just means the guy has exhausted all his other potential dates and he's just getting around to you). But I hate The Rules, prefering to make my own rules. She suggested that I do just that - make my own rules - and then be diligent in applying them for the next six months to see what happens. I agreed to do that.

This morning, I was thinking about my new two-day rule - keeping J in mind, and wondering how I would handle it if he contacted me at the last minute to ask me out. Well, I got back from a meeting around 10:30 and lo and behold I had a text from him asking me if I'd like to get together for coffee on Sunday! Today is Friday... Saturday... Sunday... that's exactly TWO DAYS! Yay, I can accept the date! :)

So, I'm not sure what time or where we're meeting. His last text to me was at 11AM ["I'm free all day... I can come to you if you like. :)], which I replied to at 12:30. Still no reply. Hmpf.

Is Text the new "Post-it"?

2010-02-16T07:58:00.004-05:00

Remember that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie's boyfriend breaks up with her via Post-it note? I wonder if text messaging is the new Post-it?

As you know, I was supposed to get together with J on Monday to go for a run. We hadn't spoken or e-mailed since our two-hour phone conversation on Wednesday, even though he said he'd call me over the weekend to confirm. By 10PM Sunday night I still hadn't heard from him and was beginning to wonder if I would. I mean, I've had guys say they were going to call who never did, but I didn't really expect that J would be "that guy." Then again, I did have a great conversation with a guy named M last year who then never called again, so who knows.

OK, so it's 10PM Sunday night and I get a vibe-vibe-beep on my Blackberry that a text has come through. Two of them, in fact. I've since deleted them, so I can't remember the exact wording, but basically he said that his day on Monday wasn't going to work out the way he thought (had to work later than anticipated) so could we put our run off until the following weekend. He also admitted in his text that a) it was late notice, and b) that it was coming by text, so he knew he was being lame.

I replied that it was fine with me, but that we could meet for a coffee instead of a run if that suited him better. The reason I proposed that was because I had sensed that maybe he wasn't so excited about running with me (insecure, is the feeling I got from him). He replied that either was fine. I said that my schedule for the week was pretty flexible, so to let me know when he wanted to reschedule. He replied, "That's awesome, thanks." My (final) reply to that (not that I was trying to have the last word), "Looking forward to finally meeting you in person. Have a good night." His reply: "You too..."

I know that I don't want to get into a situation where I have to "convince" someone that he wants to (or should want to) go out with me. I'm not going to play that game anymore - mostly for my own peace of mind than anything else. I just don't think it's good for me to go down the road of pining over someone who is not into me. If a guy wants to be with me then he's going to have to make an effort. I can be flexible. I can be understanding. And I am also extremely forgiving. But I also have limits.

So, as I said to a few of you via e-mail, I'm not holding my breath that I will hear from him. I am not saying that to be negative, but I just don't want to get my hopes up. I don't know what's going on in his head and in his life, so I have no clue if he's "just not that into me," if he's got something else going on with someone else, or if he just has other things going on in his life at the moment. And I really don't care!

All I know is that we had a date and he cancelled it. Via text.

One more kick at the can

2010-02-11T07:50:00.002-05:00

Well, I said I was out of the dating game (and that's not entirely untrue, since I took down my on-line profiles), but I think I'm back for one more try.

J called me last night and we talked for two hours. Just to remind you of who J is, he's a guy I met on POF well over a month ago, but who was a very slow responder. Even after he gave me his e-mail address it was well over a week before I heard back from him.

The last I'd heard from him (last week) he said he would call me on Wednesday night, but he never did. We'd talked about getting together for a run, so I e-mailed him on Thursday to say that I was going away for the weekend. Finally yesterday I got an e-mail from him asking how my weekend was and saying that he'd call me that night.

Given that he'd said that the week before, I wasn't holding my breath. Well, he did call - and we talked on the phone for two hours last night! I was worried that the battery on my BB was going to die. Talking to him was really easy. He's got a nice voice and a good (but subtle) sense of humour. Luckily, I could pick up when he was joking about something, as sometimes subtlety can be lost on me.

What I learned about him:

* He's 42, 6'2" and 240 pounds. He says he's not overweight, but that he's about 20 pounds over his ideal weight. He likes to work out, so it's safe to assume that a lot of that is muscle. I like big guys, so that's fine with me.
* His BD is 8 days after mine, so he's also a Sagittarius.
* He was married once for a year, but they'd been together for 9 years in total. He's had at least one relationship since his divorce.
* He lives/works in Mississauga, grew up in Oakville, and has lived in Georgetown, Milton, and the States.
* He has an older sister who is my age.
* He has a cat (that he got around the same time I got Pepper) that he rescued. He found it in the middle of the road, it had been hit by a car (he almost hit it again himself), so he took it to an emergency vet. They said they didn't think she would live, but she did. They called him back a few days later and said he could take her home if he wanted, but that she'd likely be blind. Well, she eventually regained her eyesight and is fine now. She has a silly name like "Snuggles" or something like that.
* He runs! He's training for his first 1/2 Marathon in Mississauga in May. We run about the same pace, which is why I suggested we get together for a run.
* He used to work in the financial industry, but a few years ago packed it in because he didn't like the lifestyle. He felt he'd gotten too wrapped up in all the pressure of trading stocks, etc. Now he works as a personal support worker, which I'm assuming means he's some type of care-giver for people who cannot take care of themselves.

So, that's most of what I know about him. He did pass one of my litmus tests, which is that he asked me as much about myself as I did about him - it wasn't all one-sided like I've had in the past. I also really liked the fact that he wasn't trying to "sell himself" to me, the way that some of the guys I've dated recently have done. He's kind of like me in some ways.

He has to work this weekend (works every second weekend), so we have tentative plans to meet for a run on Monday afternoon (since it's a holiday). I said that I didn't have any firm plans for the weekend, so if he found himself with nothing to do and wanted to get together to give me a call. He said he'd call me before the weekend was over to confirm about Monday anyway.

That's it! I feel good about this one, but I'm not getting too far ahead of myself. The only potential issue I see is the fact that we live at complete opposite ends of the city (he in the far north west, me in the south east). He does work in the southern part of Mississauga, which is closer to me. I guess it's not really an issue, just something we'll have to plan around

To be the kind of person who...

2010-02-05T08:37:00.003-05:00

Recently I read a quote that stuck with me. It was unrelated to dating, but I could see how it might apply, given some tweaking: “Be the kind of person who takes supplements, but don’t.” For the record, that comes from Michael Pollan’s new book, Food Rules. His theory is that people who take supplements generally take better care of their health, are more mindful of the quality of what they eat, and are therefore healthier. They don’t “have” to take supplements (because they get all the nutrition they need from the variety of food they eat), but they are the type of person who would.

This linking of the original quote to its application in the dating world came about through a discussion with my cousin, J, who is artistic in nature, loves film, video, music, fashion, etc. But she says that dating people in those areas is really frustrating because jobs in those industries are so unpredictable and have brutal schedules. She once tried dating a chef she met on a catering job, but it didn’t work out because he was always working when she wasn’t. What I said to her was, “So, you want to date someone who would work in film, but doesn’t.”

Her reply: “That’s it, exactly!”

So, in the age-old question posed to me regarding what kind of guy I’m interested in, I’d have to say that he fits the following:

He’s the kind of person who could build a house, but doesn’t. He’s the kind of person who could be a Sommelier, Chef or Art Dealer, but isn’t. He could ride his bike across the country, but won’t. He could be a CEO, but isn't.

What those things have in common is that they describe some qualities I am looking for (handy around the house, appreciates food/wine/art, is physically active, smart, career-oriented), but who is just a regular guy who has a wide variety of interests, but is not consumed by the lifestyle that often accompanies those interests (especially if it’s his profession).

In a way, someone like me! Except for the house-building part. I wouldn’t want to be a chef or own a restaurant because it would take over my life, leaving little room for anything (or anyone) else. I also choose to have a career that allows me to have the work/life balance I want.

On a break

2010-02-01T07:57:00.002-05:00

Update on R: We're done, before it even got going. After a frustrating weekend where we never seemed to be able to connect, we finally met for a late dinner on Sunday. I just didn't have it in me to go there again. I hated the way I'd been feeling the last couple of days, and I didn't see how things were ever going to change. Part of that was due to his own unwillingness to change or to see things from my POV. The thing that really bugged me, though, is that he's making this out to be MY failing. What is it about men who are unwilling to accept responsibility for the part they play in the failure of the relationship?

Update on dating in general: I've taken my profile down. I have four messages from guys in whom I have no interest sitting in my mailbox and I'm not going to reply to any of them. I'm not going to accept M's friend request on FB and if he calls/e-mails me again, I am not going to respond. There is also J, a guy I've e-mailed off the site that I haven't heard back from yet (he's a slow responder at the best of times). If I hear from him, I'll see where that goes, but after that I'm done.

I just can't do this anymore.

Something old, something new

2010-01-29T09:41:00.001-05:00

I got an e-mail from M (the guy I had the friends talk with) asking if I had time to get together to talk about triathlon. Hmmmm, OK. I said I was busy every night, but free during the day over the weekend, so we are meeting on Sunday afternoon. In my mind, he’s beating a dead horse. There is NOTHING he can do to change my mind and make me interested in dating him. I’ve told him that I’m not interested in him as anything more than a friend (and even that was a stretch – I really don’t see us ever “hanging out” on a regular basis). But I will still go and meet him for coffee.

I’ve also been communicating with J. We’ve exchanged a few e-mails (off the dating site) and I suggested we get together for a run. I haven't heard back yet. He lives in Mississauga (oy!) and is a runner, training for the half in May. He’s cute (from his photo), tall (6’2”) and looks to be pretty solidly built – definitely my type.

My other update (some, but not all of you know this) is that my ex, R, and I have been communicating again. It started last Friday when I sent him an e-mail with a link to a house listing. He called me that night and we talked for over an hour. It was good. Then on Monday I saw that he'd replied to my Friday e-mail (after I'd left for the day), so I did reply to that. There were some very racy e-mails exchanged, and then he called me again on Monday night and had another good long talk. We planned to get together on Thursday (last night). Well, an issue came up with his daughter and he had to spend the evening with her, so our plans were foiled. The last I heard from him last night was that we'd try to get together for lunch today.

I haven’t heard from him yet, so I have my running gear with me to head to the gym at lunch in case those plans fall through.

I think I'm going into this with a level head, not forgetting all the problems we had, but looking at it from the perspective of seeing if we have any common ground to move forward. I don't want to go back to what we had. I'm clear on what I need, and what I'm willing to give. If we can figure out a way that we can both get what we need, then great. If not, them I'm fine knowing that I did all I could to see if it could work.

The Talk

2010-01-19T08:25:00.002-05:00

Well, it took me almost an hour of chit-chat with him on the phone before I got the courage up to give him the "just friends" talk, but I did it. It went fine.

My objective going in was to simply tell him how I was feeling, without projecting anything on him, and also allowing him to save face if he is in fact interested in more that just a friendship with me.

I started off by saying that I was very touched by the message he sent me the other night saying that he thought I was a truly amazing woman. I told him that I thought he was pretty amazing himself, stepping up and taking on his kids full time when their mother left. I wanted him to know that I respected him for that. He really is a quality guy.

Then I told him that I had learned a lot from my last relationship, one thing being that it's always best to put your cards on the table with the other person as early as possible so that neither one is wondering how the other one is feeling. So I said that what I was feeling right now was more of a friendship than anything else. I said that I didn't see it developing into anything more at this point and that I wanted him to know that so that he could decide how he wanted to proceed.

Actually, I think I might have said, "Maybe I will, maybe I won't" which in retrospect I wish I hadn't said because that might give him a little glimmer of hope that if he's persistent that he can win me over. That's the only thing I regret about the conversation.

He said he was fine with that, that he's always looking to make more friends and broaden his social circle, so I think he got it.

Oh, he also told me that he Googled me and found the article that was written about me a few years ago about my weight-loss journey. That bugged me just a little bit, but I know that we're in the information age, so it's to be expected. I could never Google him because he has a very common name (his last name being probably the MOST common Chinese name) and shares it with a provincial MPP and cabinet minister.

Well, that's it for now. I was excited to see that I got a message from J, another guy I'd been communicating with. It was a bit of a let-down because it was just a one-line reply to a question I asked him, nothing more. I also got a message from a guy named D, but he has a few strikes against him: 49, 5'7" and lives in Newmarket.

Good, but...

2010-01-18T08:54:00.002-05:00

OK, I know I owe you all a date report from Saturday. Here it is:

M picked me up at 6PM. He called me at 6PM sharp to say he was downstairs. I went down, gave him a hug, he took my skates and I got into the car (he closed the door for me).

As we were driving, he said, “I checked the web site for skating and there is a DJ playing after 8PM so I thought we’d go to dinner first, then skating.” Oh, OK. I thought we’d do it the other way around, but no big deal. The drive down was fine, we had to wait about half an hour for a table, but we just sat and talked. He told me about how his kids never see their mum as she moved out west and has little contact with them.

Dinner was good. Conversation was good. After dinner, we got our skates from the car and walked down to the skating rink. It was PACKED with people. It was tough to really skate because it was so crowded. But we managed OK. I don’t know how long we skated in total. We took one break because my back was sore. Then I said that I was pretty much done (I’m sore in about a million places from all the workouts I’ve done in the last week). We put on our boots and then walked back to the car. We had a nice chat and he told me more about how his wife left (2 years ago) and how he lost his house as a result. He didn’t sound bitter (actually, now that I think about it, he didn’t really show any emotion at all).

The drive home was fine. He asked me questions about my life and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. As we got close to my place, he asked if I wanted to go for coffee. I said that I was starting to fade and that I’d prefer to just go home. When he dropped me off, I gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek.

Yesterday, I sent him a text to say thank you. I got THREE text messages in reply, one of which said, “Next time how about making dinner?” He seems so intent on getting together to make dinner (I’m guessing at my place, since he and his kids live with his mum). I didn’t reply to that message. Then, later that night I get the following text:

“Before I head to bed. Gotta be up with the birds tomorrow morning.
Just wanted to say "you are truely an amazing woman. "

Oy.

This morning, I replied “Thanks. That’s very nice of you to say. TTYL.”

So, I am definitely NOT feeling the same way he seems to be feeling. I knew last night that I didn't feel anything for him because all I kept thinking as we were skating was, "I hope he doesn't try to hold my hand." That's not a good sign.

I don’t want to over-analyze things, and all I can do is be true to how I am feeling – about him, about myself, about how I want to feel – and right now I am not feeling it with him. He’s nice. There’s nothing “wrong” with him. I’m just not attracted to him.

My conundrum is how to tell him that. I can’t do that via e-mail or text – that’s just rude. Perhaps we could talk on the phone. My hesitation in telling him in person is the fact that he wants to get together to cook at my place, and I’d rather just meet for coffee and tell him in some neutral place. I’ve had this conversation before (with A several months ago), though that one was a bit different because I positioned it as not being ready to move forward after my last relationship. This time, it’s not about the fact that I’m not ready to move forward; he’s just not the guy I want to move forward with! And I can pretty much be sure that spending more time with him isn’t going to change that. I don’t want to string him along or get his hopes up. Or get tied up in a way that would prevent either of us from meeting the person we are meant to be with.

Sigh. I think a phone call is in order.

Add one more...

2010-01-15T15:42:00.002-05:00

Now there's another guy named J. He also lives in the 905, but he doesn't have kids, so that's a bit easier to deal with. He's 42, 6'2", and (from his photo) looks to have more of a body-builder's physique than a runner's physique, even though he does run. I prefer that body type (though I don't like guys who are too muscle-bound). He's a bit shy (self-proclaimed), but expresses himself well in e-mail. He looks cute. On the surface, he seems more my "type" than M does, but until we meet in person, it's all speculation.

I also got a message from a guy (can't remember his name) that I haven't responded to yet. I think he's a runner, but I'm not attracted to him and he's too old (51 - and looks it from his photo). Plus, he looks to be one of those skinny/gaunt runner types that I'm not really attracted to. Shallow, I know.

My date with M is set for tomorrow. He is picking me up at 6PM to go skating, then to dinner. Personally, I think that 6PM is too late - by the time we get to dinner it will be after 8PM, I'm sure. We're going to The Keg, which is fine, but I don't know that a) I want to eat that much, and b) that I want him to spend that much money. I'm going to offer to split the bill. Can you feel the excitement in my voice??? Oy.

Date Number Two

2010-01-14T07:38:00.003-05:00

So, I have a second date scheduled with M. We texted yesterday afternoon and he asked me to go skating on Saturday followed by dinner. I have mixed feelings about this:

- I'm happy to be going on a second date, skating is fun, dinner is fun. It will be good to see him again since that will give me a better sense of whether I am into him.
- He suggested cooking dinner for me at my place after skating, to which I replied, "Hmmm. Not sure about that" (because I'm not sure I want him to come over - I'm uncomfortable enough with the fact that he wants to pick me up, rather than just meeting there). Oh, and is it bad that when he texted: "Ceasar salad. Bruschetta. Pasta. Wine" my first thought was, "I don't like Ceasar salad."
- He's doing "all the right things" in how he is pursuing me.
- So far, I haven't felt any physical attraction to him. To answer Heather's question from my last post, it's not the fact that he is Chinese (culturally) that bothers me; I just don't find myself attracted to him. I suppose the fact that he is Chinese contributes to that, but it's not the main reason. I've found myself attracted to black guys and Indian guys in the past, but I don't think I've ever met an Asian guy who has turned me on. I have a few male Chinese and Japanese friends, and I've never been attracted to any of them.
- I'm worried, based on some comments he made while we were e-mailing (i.e., before we met), that he seems to be intent on pursuing me, and isn't interested in pursuing anyone else. I, on the other hand, want to keep things casual, keep my options open, go out with other guys, etc. For example, he was quite persistent in e-mailing me, even when I hadn't replied to one or two of his messages. I'd indicated that I was hesitent to date someone who had full custody of his kids and lived in Mississauga. Some things he's written:

"Obviously there is a mutual attraction or we wouldn't be at this point, so now to fill in some of the blanks to nudge you off the fence.....lol" [Um, where did he get the idea that there was mutual attraction?? Just because I replied to his e-mail doesn't imply attraction!]

"In a profile I had read sometime ago this person wrote, "the problem with POF is, that everyone is always looking for that one better." That thought has stuck with me for sometime now. I had to agree with that statement. There is so much choice out there on Pof that you get the feeling that the grass might just be a little greener with the next profile. I'll be honest, I've felt that way. I've had that What if feeling??? Well, I'd have to say I had that feeling up until the day I replied to your profile. I have no desire to seek greener pastures at the moment. At this point I'd say I've found a diamond in the rough so to speak. Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket just yet, heck we haven't even met yet, but I'd like to give this my best shot to get the opportunity to meet." [OK, this just scares me a little]

I guess I'm kind of feeling like the frog in the pot of hot water at the moment. I'm feeling under pressure to pursue and develop something that I'm just not sure is there for me, just because it is for him. I don't want to lead him on and have him spend all this money on me. I feel guilty about that.

So, I really don't know what to do. I will go skating on Saturday and try to be as open-minded as possible. But beyond that, I haven't a clue.

Ranking

2010-01-13T07:50:00.003-05:00

I was thinking about a ranking or scoring system for these first dates I am going on. The way I see it, dates can be rated on the following dimensions:

1. How closely he looked like his on-line photo or description (age, height, weight)
2. The venue or activity of the date
3. The ease of conversation
4. The intellectual chemistry (including sense of humour)
5. The physical chemistry (or what my friend CL says, "Can you see yourself sleeping with him?")

I don't know if those four things are equally weighted (because #4 and #5 are the two that make me decide if I want to pursue the relationship). And also because some of those things are related to each other.

Using this system, here is how I would rank last night's date with M:

1. He looked exactly like his photo and did not misrepresent his height/weight. 20points.
2. The venue/activity was good (hockey game), but not the best for having a conversation, so I'd give it 15/20.
3. Due to #2, it was hard to really get into a conversation. Score: 14/20.
4. Pretty good. 16/20.
5. This is the tough one. For now, I will give it a 12/20. I think the venue, etc. made it hard to really get to know him enough to feel any chemistry.

OK, wait a sec while I get out my calculator...

Score: 77

That's enough to warrant a second date, but I really need to see an increase in scores for #4 and #5 if I'm going to take it to a third date.

Plus, there are some intangibles, which kind of influence #4 & #5, like how he was dressed, how he spoke or ate, manners, etc. He did pretty well on those things. But I have to admit, I am still somewhat stuck over the fact that he is Chinese.

Teaser

2010-01-12T10:22:00.003-05:00

Just a quick post to mention that I am going on a date with M tonight. He asked me to go to the hockey game. I am not optimistic about this one turning into anything romantic. I have a feeling that we'll have a pretty good "friend vibe" but that's about it.

Details to follow tomorrow...

What will the New Year bring?

2010-01-04T09:04:00.003-05:00

I've been communicating with a few guys on-line. None of them really excite me all that much, and I'm not really that motivated to meet any of them in person. Here's a summary:

J: lives in Peterborough (strike #1). We've had some good e-mail banter, but haven't spoken live yet. Actually, I haven't heard from him since New Year's eve.

M: lives in Mississauga (strike #1) and has full custody of his two kids (strike #2 - only because of where he lives, not the kids themselves). He's also of a different ethnicity than mine, which (I have to be honest) is a concern (not a strike). He seems really interested in me, but I'm not so interested in him.

R2: lives in TO, has grown-up kids (not sure if that's a plus or a minus). His profile sounds great, but I am not attracted to his photos. He seems to say all the right things in his e-mail, but I just don't know.

I'm kind of down on the internet dating thing right now. I'm not thrilled by the idea of investing a lot of time communicating with guys on-line, only to find that I don't have any chemistry with them in person. And I'm not highly motivated to meet any of these guys in person any time soon, so I'm in a bit of a Catch-22 right now.

In a perfect world, I'd be invited to a dinner party and be seated next to a cute, single, interesting guy who was as interested in me as I was in him. I wouldn't have to compete for his attention with anyone else, so we could really get to know each other.

Oh, and he'd look like Bruce Willis or Hugh Dillon. ;)

And... Scene!

2009-11-26T15:25:00.002-05:00

I have a few things to report on:

Date with S:
S called me on Sunday to see if I wanted to get together that evening. He suggested a movie. We went to see Pirate Radio. The movie was good, the date fell a bit flat. After an OK first date, I just didn’t feel like we made a connection, or took our conversation to the next level. We parted with a promise to get together again, but I really don’t think that will happen. Next.

Dinner with R:
Yes, my Ex, R. We’d exchanged a few e-mail over the last couple of weeks. I mentioned that I had some DVDs of his to return. He suggested we get together and Thursday was the night that worked best for us. Things were fine, and not at all awkward. I got a little teary at the restaurant when we started to talk about why things hadn’t worked out between us. He mentioned that, in most cases, he’d always re-dated the same women a couple of times – I’m not sure if he mentioned that because he thought that he and I would try to rekindle things, but I came to realize that it’s part of his MO. The other part of that MO is being the Knight in Shining Armour who comes to the rescue of all the women in his life. Honestly, I don’t want (or need) that from him.

We continued talking on the drive home and in the car in front of my place, most of that I spent in tears. But they were not tears of sadness for him specifically. They were more tears of frustration, because having been in a relationship with him, I’m now much more clear on what I’m looking for in a partner and a relationship (some of that I did get from him, but some of it was what was missing in our relationship). I’m also afraid that I’ve now set the bar unrealistically high and that there can’t possibly be anyone out there who will fit that bill. And I’m not even talking about “picky” stuff like looks, height, occupation, income, etc. I’m talking about fundamental character traits, as well as being in synch with respect to what we want out of life and in our relationship. Big stuff.

So, on the one hand I am happy that I know exactly what I want (so that when I find it, I’ll know it’s right); but on the other hand, I fear that it’s not realistically achievable.

Group Date Event #2:
Last night I went on my second (and final) group date. This one was a bit different: three tables of men and women, with the men rotating between tables at the end of each course. That worked well (better than speed dating) because it was long enough to actually have a conversation with someone, but not so long that if you didn’t click with the people at your table, you didn’t have to spend the entire night with them.

I had an interesting conversation with a guy named B. I wasn’t attracted to him, but he was pleasant to talk to. Heck, he even managed to convince me to let him take my resting pulse rate (on my wrist) when talking about the fact that I am a runner. And that was before dinner – when I’d only met him 10 minutes earlier! Anyway, the question he asked me at dinner (based on the fact that I’d told him how I was involved in running and triathlon groups and had a fairly wide social circle from that) was, “So why are you here at this event, then?” Hmmm, that’s a good question! My answer to him was that I was hoping to branch out my social/dating circle since most of the men I knew through running/tri were either attached or just friends. But to be honest, it really made me think about what I thought I was going to get out of an event like this. It became clear that most of the other people at the event didn’t have large social circles. Some of them only go to the dinners so that they can try out new places to eat and meet people since they don’t have much of a social circle of their own. And to be quite frank, some of them (mostly the men) were socially awkward/introverted to the point where they needed the practice in how to interact with people. OK, fine. But I didn’t pay $70 per event to be someone to help someone else come out of their shell! Maybe that’s harsh, but when I’m paying for a service, I kind of expect to get something out of it.

The organizer sent an e-mail this morning asking how the event was and to provide them with my feedback. This is what I wrote:
=====================================================
- Hostesses were good
- Evening/logistics flowed well
- Like that we had assigned seating to ensure alternating men/women at the table
- Location was great, food was great, service was great
- Mix of people was good

Overall, my experience was pleasant, but I doubt that I’ll attend another of your events. Although everyone I met at both events were nice, I found the men (in particular) to be a bit socially awkward/introverted and I found little in common with any of them. For the cost of the two-dinner package I bought, I didn’t see any real value as it appeared to just be a group of people thrown together, with the only commonality being in the same age range. I’ve honestly had much better connections with people I’ve met through on-line dating sites, at a considerably lower cost.
========================================================

So, that’s it for now! I have no other prospects or social events on the horizon. My trip to Vegas is in a little over a week, but that’s with a group of friends (two couples and two other guys, both of whom are married).

"S" Date Report

2009-11-16T13:38:00.003-05:00

I met S on Friday night at a local pub. I got there first, he arrived about five minutes later. He looked pretty much like his on-line photo (cute and bald). He was pretty short (but not "deal-breaker" short) - the same height as I am.

He was nice, personable, though a little reserved. Conversation was fine, though it didn't flow effortlessly.

The date lasted two hours (and 1.5 pints of Kilkenny for me) and then we parted ways. He asked if I'd like to get together again and I said yes. Honestly, if I never hear from him again I won't be disappointed. I agreed to go out a second time because I like to give people a second chance since first meetings can be awkward, but I didn't really feel an instant connection/attraction to him.

Next up: Group Date #2 on November 25. This one is a "rotational" dinner, so the men change tables every course. That way I'll meet twelve men in total - not quite as bad as speed dating.

Date Night

2009-11-13T14:02:00.003-05:00

Alright, back on the dating horse again. This one's name is S. He's 43. He does web design for a large newspaper. He lives close by, though not in my exact neighbourhood. From his profile, he looks cute (and bald!). He's a bit on the short side (5'8") but that's not a deal breaker for me.

We're meeting for a drink at a local pub this evening (key people know where we're meeting, so all is safe).

Stay tuned for details...

Hey, here's a suggestion for you...

2009-10-19T15:58:00.004-04:00

I sent my feedback to the Dinnerworks people. Here is their response:

"I have a suggestion for you, if you are interested, I do a personal consultation for $150 which allows me to get to know you. I then have a better idea of what it is that you are looking for and then I can do one of two things, I can direct you to the right dinner or get a gentleman to attend a dinner that you are attending that might be suitable, the other thing I can do is see if there is a match for you with someone I am currently working with.

I forgot to mention that I do personal matchmaking, and I have a lot of men clients that don't attend dinners but might be suitable for you,.

The charge is for my time."

Really? You forgot to mention that you offer that service? Go figure! That makes everything so much better for me now. Sure, I'll send you another $150 on top of the $140 I've already paid to attend one of your dinners (where I still have to pay for my meal). What the heck was that fee for if not for some kind of assurance that the event would be suitable to me?

Whatever.

Group Dating

2009-10-14T07:32:00.003-04:00

You know how on The Bachelor/Bachelorette they go on these "group dates"? Well, I always thought that was a little weird; I mean, five girls/guys all vying for the attention of one guy/girl... seems odd, creepy, frustrating, and contrived to me.

Well, that's a bit how last night's dinner felt: weird.

My understanding of how the evening would go would be that we'd meet in the bar of the restaurant, have a drink, then be seated at our table when everyone had arrived. I was late getting there (traffic coming from downtown). I hate being late. I don't like other people who are late and I am rarely late myself. I get stressed when I am late. So, I guess it's my own darned fault then that everyone was already seated at the table when I arrived.

At first it looked like the table was full and that there wasn't even a seat for me (my stomach sank just a bit there), but then the "hostess" got up and gave me her seat (she leaves when dinner starts). I'd also been told that this would be a dinner for eight (four men, four women). Well, there were actually 10 people at dinner (including me), five men/women, but we were seated at a table that would have even been a stretch for eight, let alone 10. I was seated at the end of the table (way to stand out in the crowd - being late and being seated at the head of the table) as there were four people on each side and one on each end of the table.

Now, I'm no math whiz, but with an even number of men and women you'd think they'd figure out to arrange the seating as boy/girl around the table. No, there were two cases of men sitting next to men and women sitting next to women. But being that there were 10 people at the table, the conversation sort of developed into five against five, with my "five" consisting of three women and two men. There was no way to have a conversation with anyone at the other end of the table.

Not that I really wanted to. Upon arriving, a quick scan of my dining companions had me realize that there wasn't anyone who even remotely interested me. Conversations were fine, but the woman on the right of me tended to dominate my fivesome (almost "perform" - she was a wannabe actress with a larger-than-her-own-life personality). The guy on my left was pretty quiet, though personable (though he could have at least made a bit more of an effort than wearing jeans and a plaid shirt). There was one other woman and another man within conversational distance from me, and they were both pleasant.

So, would I do it again? Well, I kind of have to since I've paid for one more of these dinners. But I will contact the organizers beforehand to give them my feedback on how last night went to make sure that I get placed in a more suitable group next time.

Took the Plunge!

2009-10-05T13:22:00.002-04:00

I signed up for Dinnerworks. Holy carp, it's not cheap! I bought a two-dinner package for $139 (plus GST) and that doesn't include the dinner! I think I get one free drink with that.

Anyway, I think I might be attending my first event next Tuesday the 13th. I just have to hear back from them. There are a fair number of events coming up, so if not this one, then another one. The key for me is the age range - I don't always have a lot in common with people my own age: no kids, more physically active than most, etc.

But, I'm just trying to "do a different thing" in the hopes of achieving a different outcome.

Stay tuned...

Blocked!

2009-10-02T16:01:00.002-04:00

I sent a note to a guy on PoF. Nothing weird, just saying Hi. I'm pretty sure I saw it in my outbox after I sent it, but then when I went back it was gone. Weird.

So, I re-sent the message (with a p.s. joking that I wasn't a stalker for sending the same message more than once) and got the following message:

YOU HAVE BEEN BLOCKED BY THIS USER

Um, oh, OK. Am I that offensive that I need to be blocked??

The ironic thing is that in his profile he wrote:

"I was born and raised in a small town - [city], NB - and was taught that smiling and saying "Hello!" to people was the right thing to do. [...] I still like being gregarious, but it seems people have lost that loving feeling in the Big Smoke. No?"

I'll say!

You know what bugs me?

2009-09-30T12:28:00.002-04:00

When I sign my name in an e-mail and someone replies to that e-mail misspelling my name!!! It's SIX letters - why can't you get the last two right? Is it that hard? Sheesh!

Yes, I'm in a pissy mood.

Dry Spell

2009-09-30T09:58:00.003-04:00

I have to admit that I haven't been actively pursuing the dating thing lately. I did send one message last week to a guy who looked interesting, but he read it and never reponded. Oh well.

I've received a few e-mails lately (2-3), but none of them were from guys who interested me. I got one today and he seemed OK, so I replied. He's a bit young (39), but that's not a deal-breaker. I'm sure you can hear the enthusiasm in my "voice."

Anyway, as much as I am still interested in dating, I'm really not motivated to waste my time going on lots of first dates with guys that I know I'm not really into. I know from past experience that it's all about numbers and the more guys I go out with, the better chance I'll have in meeting someone whom I click with.

I'm just kind of feeling "meh" about the whole thing right now.

"Death" of a Salesman

2009-09-26T11:38:00.003-04:00

Since Holly asked...

The date with K last Friday night was fine. We spent most of the evening "talking about the weather" so I didn't really get much info out of him. He was nice enough, attractive enough, but I don't think he's really my type.

He's what I call a "salesman." Whether or not he actually works in sales is irrelevant. I define the "salesman" as follows: someone who will do/say whatever it takes to a) get what he wants, b) make you agree with him, c) get/take something from you, d) put a positive/appealing spin on something negative (usually to justify something or sell something), etc. I don't trust them; I always feel like I am being manipulated by them. I feel like they aren't telling me the truth; they are telling me what they think I want to hear (so that I will give them what they want).

And dating a "salesman" is the worst, because the thing they are trying to sell you is themselves! And they have this way of talking about themselves without actually giving up anything of value. They rarely ask you questions (I had to volunteer most information about myself, which I'm usually quite forthcoming with anyway).

So, we ended the date with a hug and a nice to meet you and a let's get together again. But I have yet to hear from him, so whatever. L said to me that K was probably waiting for me to contact him. I said that I wasn't feeling particularly motivated to contact him because I didn't really care if I saw him again.

I am back at square one with no prospects on the horizon. Though to be honest I haven't been on-line in a while, so I really shouldn't complain.

Oh, I've had messages from a few guys, but none of them were interesting to me. One guy who was really into cooking and wine (and seemed to have a lot of contempt for people who go to the gym) sent me a message proposing that we get together to cook. I politely replied that I prefer to be the cook and not share my kitchen space with anyone (I get along best with people who like to eat and clean). I suggested that we were likely too much alike (with respect to cooking) to be compatible. He replied, "Oh, that's a new one: we're too compatible so therefore we shouldn't meet." Um, no, that's not what I said (and e-mailed him back to tell him that). But being another "salesman" he had to reply why he thought my logic was wrong and why he was right.

Yeah, I just deleted that message.

Here's a piece of advice for on-line dating: If you e-mail a guy to tell him that you're not interested, resist the temptation to reply to him if he writes back trying to convince you otherwise.

Long time no date!

2009-09-18T10:04:00.004-04:00

The dating scene has been a bit thin for me lately. I've communicated by e-mail and on the phone with a couple of guys, but not much else than that.

I have not heard from A1 since our dinner last week. I also haven't heard from C, the guy I talked to on the phone last Friday afternoon. I did send him an e-mail today to see how things are.

That said, I do have a date tonight with K. His profile says he's 51 and 5'8". I fully expect him to be 55 and 5'6". LOL. Anyway, I'm going ahead with it and trying to keep an open mind.

I was saying to my friend L that I have a bit of a mental hurdle with 50. My dad died at 51 (and in my mind he will forever be that age), so it's hard for me to consider dating guys who are that age (and older). However, I do have a good friend, D, who just turned 51 and he is active, youthful, and fun - not at all like my dad was at that age.

I was also telling L that I already know I am going to have a hard time turning 50 (not to mention 51). I hated turning 30 (depressed for two years before and three years after). I LOVED turning 40! My 40s have been awesome! I don't really know why I'm dreading 50 so much! Still over four years away, so lots of time to adjust.

"What do you want?"

2009-09-13T15:00:00.004-04:00

That's the question R asked me when we met this morning. I think he was asking it on multiple levels.

I left there with somewhat of a better sense of it (or maybe a confirmation of what I already knew). I also left there with a better sense of who I wanted it with. Or rather, who I didn't want it with: I really don't think I want it with him anymore.

I think I agree with him when he said that we were just too different. I told him what I needed from my partner (that he had not been giving me), and I don't think he's capable of doing that. Or for me to give him what he needs.

I didn't get a satisfactory answer to the "what happened?" question, but I guess I didn't really expect to.

Now don't get me wrong... there are things in me that R was able to bring out and uncover that I don't know if someone else would have been able to do. I guess I just need to focus on that - the gift that he gave me - rather than being sad about the part that the two of us could not make it work. And to be honest, I still do put much of that blame on him because he checked out (and never discussed things with me) long before I officially ended it. He also gave me a few lines today that I think are total BS, but whatever.

But getting back to the question of who I do/don't want it with, I'm pretty sure I don't want it with A1. Even though he was very understanding when I told him that I wanted to take things slowly, I still don't think he gets it. And I don't think that I can see myself falling for him at some point in the future. I guess I just have to tell him that.

So, I guess I do feel better having seen him and talked to him, even though I didn't necessarily get the resolution I was looking for. I think I was able to reclaim my heart, and that's all I really wanted.

More to follow

2009-09-12T21:30:00.003-04:00

R and I had a bit of an e-mail exchange on Friday. I told him I was frustrated by the fact that he blew me off on Thursday and only called me late that night. I said I thought he at least owed me the courtesy of following up on my request to get together. He replied, "You broke up with me, said you never wanted to talk to me again... and I owe you?"

Ouch.

OK. Fair enough. I didn't want to get into all the crap that led up to me doing that last month, prefering to wait until we got together to talk. I also didn't want to antagonize him, thereby making him shut down and be unwilling to talk to me.

He called me this afternoon to confirm for tomorrow. 11AM at Starbucks. Details to follow...

On a related note, I had date #2 with A1 last night (who should probably just be called A from now on since A2 is likely out of the picture). We had a nice time. He's a very sweet guy, very attentive and will make someone a great boyfriend - I just don't know that it will be me. I was honest with him and told him that I was still reeling a bit from my breakup with R and that I wasn't looking to get involved in anything serious. He said that was fine and that he would just let me take the lead with where we go from here. See... great guy. I just don't know if I'm into him. Though, he did lose points when he went in for the wet sloppy kiss again after walking me to my car. Yeeeesh.

I also spoke on the phone yesterday with C. Turns out he's a former colleague of a very good friend and running partner of mine (CL). So of course I had to text CL to get her opinion on him. She said: Nice guy, really cute, not macho. Whatever that means. Hopefully I'll hear from him next week (he's away for the weekend) and we'll get a chance to meet. Oh, and he also lives in my neighbourhood. Jeez, maybe I should stop dating guys from my 'hood for fear that I'll run into them at inappropriate times!

Not what I needed

2009-09-10T21:32:00.004-04:00

Well, I caved and called R on Tuesday morning. I'm not sure what possessed me to do that, but it was something I felt I needed to do. I called him at 7:30AM. It rang three times and went to voice mail. I can't even remember what I said in my message other than, "I'm not really sure why I'm calling you."

He called me back within about 10 minutes. We talked about nothing to start, but then we talked about other things, too. I asked him if he was free this week to get together. He suggested Thursday; I said that worked for me.

The rest of Tuesday, Wednesday and most of today (Thursday) I had been contemplating what I wanted to get out of this meeting/talk. I decided that my main goal was to take my heart back (so that I could ultimately give it to someone else). But I wasn't really sure how I was going to do that. I still have so many unanswered questions where he is concerned - questions that I feel only he can answer. My main one being, How did we go from talking about dreams and houses and families, to not talking at all within the span of a couple of weeks?

Anyway, around 1PM today I sent him an e-mail to see if he was still available to get together tonight. As of a few minutes ago (9:15PM) I hadn't heard from him so I poured myself another glass of wine. I decided to check my work e-mail. He replied to my note at 6:15PM saying that he was still on the boat and would call me later. Um, yeah, OK.

This is exactly what he did in the week leading up to our breakup; I tried to make plans with him and he'd get "busy" doing something else, leaving me hanging. So. Not. Cool. What kind of person behaves that way?? To me, that behaviour says, You are not important to me. And to top it all off, (in the past) he's tried to make it look/sound like I am the one being unreasonable where this is concerned, trying to pin him down to a timetable over which he has no control.

Anyway, I haven't decided what I am going to do/say if/when he actually calls me. I reeeeeeally want to be able to move on, regardless of whether we ever get a chance to talk. I'm just not sure how I am going to do that.

ETA: He called me at 10. Some whole excuse about a problem with his boat, blah-blah-blah. Anyway, the latest status is that he is going to call me on Sunday (since we're both busy between now and then). I'm not holding my breath.

Oh, and...

2009-09-07T19:55:00.001-04:00

Seeing your ex's profile pop up (and on-line) on the dating site you met on doesn't help things, either.

Nothing new

2009-09-07T15:59:00.002-04:00

I have nothing new to report in my dating life since Thursday night's date. I gave my number to a guy named C, but he hasn't called. I have also communicated on-line with another guy (K) but I don't know if it will go anywhere. I did relax my standards a bit with K since he is [gasp!] over 50! Actually, I think he's 50 or 51. OMG, that sounds so old to me! But then again, 45 sounds old, but I don't feel that old.

I'm also having thoughts about contacting R again. After the sighting last Thursday I haven't been able to get him off my mind. I really just want to talk. I have questions I want answered. Mostly I want to do this because I don't want to make the same mistakes in the future. And I need it so that I can (hopefully) get the closure I need so that I can move on.

I dunno.

A2 Date Report

2009-09-03T20:58:00.002-04:00

Where to begin...

A2 told me on the phone the other night that he has a thing about shaking hands when meeting for a first date (um, OK). He said it's like a "sign" to everyone in the restaurant that you are on a first/blind date. He also said he'd call me from the restaurant so that we could easily find each other. Fine.

I get to the restaurant at the appointed time (6:30). He's not there. I wait a few minutes, then decide to call him. I mistakenly call A1 (since their numbers are sequential alphabetically in my cell phone). I manage to hang up before A1 answers. Phew. I call A2 and he says he's walking up the street. I see him and go over to say Hi. He looks pretty much the same as his photo - no surprises (positive or negative). We sit on the patio and order drinks. A while later the waitress comes over to take our dinner order and I say that we haven't had a chance to look at the menus yet. I pick mine up, but he doesn't. He then says that he's already eaten dinner (huh? I thought we were meeting for dinner??) but to go ahead and order something if I wanted. Um, no, I don't think I will (feigned some excuse about not being hungry since I snacked on crap all day long, which is true).

The conversation was fine. He didn't give up much personal info about himself, even though I asked. He also didn't ask me much about me (which is Litmus Test #3, and how I can tell whether I think a guy is into me).

We are sitting on the patio, which is on the side of the restaurant. The restaurant is on the main street in my neighbourhood, so the patio is along the side street that feeds onto the main street. It's a one-way street going north. I am facing north, sitting right on the edge of the patio. About an hour into our date I notice a familiar car: It's R (my ex). He is driving north on the side street, then makes a right-hand turn onto the main street, in the direction of where he lives. Wow - that's my first R sighting post-breakup. My heart sinks a little, but I manage to keep it together.

About 20 minutes later, A2 gets up to go to the bathroom (he's already paid the bill). I am sitting there by myself and guess who drives by AGAIN??? Yeah. This time instead of turning right (towards where he lives), he turns left (heading downtown). Now, unless you know my neighbourhood, where R lives, and how the one-way streets and dead-ends are configured, you'll have to accept my word that I can't see any reason why he'd be driving up that street a second time within a 20-minute timeframe, unless he had done it deliberately.

In the meantime, I check my cell while A2 is in the bathroom and notice that A1 has called and left me a message. I guess he saw that I called his cell earlier. I haven't called him back (nor have I listened to the message). I'm not in any hurry. We communicated a bit by e-mail today and he asked if I wanted to get together next week. It looks like we'll have date #2 on Friday. I think I'll need to have The Talk with him that night, though.

Anyway, back to A2. We parted with a "thanks for the drink it was nice meeting you" but that was it. He's a bit too anal and rigid for my taste. I don't think we share similar values, so I really don't see any point in seeing him again. I seriously doubt I will hear from him again, anyway. I don't consider it a waste of my time because every guy I go out with brings me closer to the one I'm meant to be with.

So, onto the next prospects...

Litmus Test

2009-09-03T08:29:00.003-04:00

I have a couple of litmus tests (LT) I use to help me know whether I am into a guy or not:

1) How do I feel as soon as I get a call/e-mail/text from the guy? Do I get excited? Am I all happy? Do I want to reply right away? If yes, then I'm into him.

2) How do I feel about the prospect of seeing him, or even running into him unexpectedly?

On those two litmus tests, I'd have to say that I am NOT really into A1. Last night during my run I was actually dreading the thought that I could bump into him as I was running in our neighbourhood. Every time I saw a guy walking a dog I thought, "Is that him?" On LT#1, I didn't reply to his text right away, and in fact as I'm writing this post an e-mail from him came through and I'm not in any big hurry to read it!

So, that tells me a lot about how I feel about him. I'm not quite sure if my lack of interest is because of him specifically, or if it's due to the realization I had the other night that I'm not ready to get into another relationship (ready to date - yes; relationship - no).

Anyway, off to read his e-mail now...

A1 Date Report

2009-09-02T12:32:00.004-04:00

Since you asked...

We met at the restaurant. I got there right at 7:30 and he was already waiting outside. We recognized each other right away. There was a line-up, but he had already put us on the waiting list for a table.

I looked pretty good - dress, high heels, hair blowed dry (after my spin workout, I needed to!). He was dressed more casually (shirt, jeans, sandals).

Since we had to wait a few minutes for our table I took him over to see my new car (since he'd asked me how it was), which was only 1/2 block away. By the time we got to the restaurant, we only had to wait a few more minutes for our table.

Conversation was good. He's nice, personable, showed interest in me, etc. I found him fairly attractive, but I wouldn't say that I was instantly physically attracted to him.

After dinner I offered to drive him home (so that he could hear my awesome stereo - LOL). We drove the long way around so that we could hear the best part of the song (Won't Get Fooled Again by The Who). I pulled up in front of his place and then it happened: he went in for the kiss.

I was dreading this part because although I liked him, I really wasn't feeling like kissing him (and certainly not as passionately as he wanted to kiss me). I have to learn to say no in situations like that and not worry about hurting the guy's feelings. Anyway, he's not a very good kisser (at least not the way I like to be kissed). He said he'd like to see me again and I said yes, that would be nice.

After he got out of the car, my initial reaction was one of disappointment. I wasn't disappointed in him, but I was disappointed that he moved so quickly. I wanted to have the opportunity to build up some anticipation for a first kiss. Now that's gone.

He sent me a text last night, about an hour after I got home (had a nice time, want to see you again, etc.). I didn't reply for two reasons: 1) I just wasn't in the mood to reply, and 2) because I don't have a QWETRY phone and I hate having "conversations" via text (I prefer e-mail for that). So I sent him an e-mail this morning (telling him that). We've now exchanged real e-mail addresses.

He's going away for the weekend and I'm busy the next two nights, so I suggested he contact me when he gets back.

When I got home last night (before I'd received the text) I poured myself a glass of wine and talked to my friend, L, on the phone. He's my best friend and is my "dating coach" of sorts. He knows me really well and I trust his judgement. As we were talking and he was giving me his thoughts I started to cry. At first he said, "Are you listening to me or watching TV?" I squeaked out, "No, I'm crying." I realized in talking things through with L that I still have some unresolved issues about R and how our relationship ended. I'm still a little gunshy and not ready to get into another relationship right away. I guess that's good news (for me, since I figured it out now rather than later), but it's still hard.

So, onto my next First Date with A2 tomorrow night. I've also connected with another guy on-line "C". I gave him my number but told him that I have limited availability to talk between now and Saturday as I'm out every evening. We'll see how that goes.

Are two dates better than one?

2009-09-01T08:23:00.003-04:00

HV referenced "The Book" in one of her posts. I have also read "The Book" and mostly agree with the stuff the author is saying. One of the tips is to date up to three guys at the same time.

At first I was resistant to the idea, but I gave it a try. It wasn't as tough/weird as I thought it would be (though I did have to keep track of their names/details so that I didn't get them all mixed up - not quite a spreadsheet, but close!). The idea is not to put all your emotional eggs in one basket and to take your time to get to know lots of guys. Eventually, some of them will drop off and others will start to rise to the top. Now that I'm back in the dating game after a brief hiaitus, I'm trying to apply the same approach. The only thing I'm unsure of is how much to tell each of the guys about my dating plans. I want to be honest, but I also don't want to turn them off, either. I also don't want any of them to feel that they are in competition with each other (a la Bachelorette).

I have two dates set up for this week, plus I'm communicating with a third guy(though it hasn't gotten past the e-mail stage yet):

The date with A1 is tonight. We are meeting for dinner. I spoke with A2 on the phone last night. He called while I was driving my new car, so I asked if I could call him back once I got home. Our conversation was good, but we didn't connect quite as well as A1 and I did. A2 is a cop and is a little bit jaded (I think), having been exposed to some of the worst aspects of society/humanity. I am a much more optimistic and positive person. You could argue that I need someone more realistic than I am to balance out my (sometimes naive) enthusiasm, but don't want someone to dampen it too much.

When A1 and I were communicating by e-mail last week I told him about my planned trip to Vegas in December and he'd joked about asking to come with me in any capacity (pool boy, drink valet, lotion applier). So, when he called the other day, the first thing he said on the phone as, "Hello, I'm applying for the position of Towel Wrangler for you in Las Vegas." LOL. I like that kind of attitude.

Fire, Air and Water: I am a fire sign (Saggitarius). We tend to get along well with other fire signs (Aries, Leo). We also get along fairly well with air signs (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) who do a good job of "fanning our flames" as long as they don't "blow out the fire." Water (Cancer, Pisces, Scorpio) and Earth (Capricorn, Virgo, Taurus) tend to put our fire out.

A1 is a Gemini. A2 is a Cancer. Based solely on the one conversation I've had with each of them so far, I'd say that the Air/Water description I gave above is pretty accurate. I'll know for sure once I've met them both.

First Date

2009-08-31T07:45:00.002-04:00

So, I officially have a first date in Round Two of my dating exploits. A1 called me yesterday afternoon and we talked for over an hour. We're meeting for dinner tomorrow night in our neighbourhood.

We hit it off quite well on the phone. We never ran out of things to talk about and we probably could have talked for another hour if I hadn't ended it by saying that I had to go make dinner (which I didn't - I really wanted to get back to following the IMC racers on-line). Besides, I didn't want to waste all our conversation and have nothing left to talk about on Tuesday.

On paper, things look good: he's my age (6 months older), lives in my neighbourhood, likes to cook, is a good conversationalist, etc. I guess the only thing up in the air is whether we have any physical chemistry. From his photo he seems to be my type (bald, taller than me, not skinny), though he does have a goatee and I'm really not big on facial hair.

We are meeting at the restaurant tomorrow. I hope I remember what he looks like! Though I'm pretty easy tp pick out of a crowd, so he'll likely spot me before I spot him.

Numbers Game

2009-08-30T14:12:00.002-04:00

You'd think the odds would be in our favour: a quick search on PoF shows 393 women in the Toronto area between 36 and 46. When doing a search for men in that same age group, there are over 600!! 40 pages of profiles to scroll through!

In the age range I am searching for (42-48) there are 585 men and 177 women. Those are pretty good odds!

What does that say? That men are more likely to do on-line dating than women? That men are more likely to sign up for free sites such as PoF?

Interesting.

More on Profiles

2009-08-29T13:09:00.002-04:00

OK, I know I'm a bit of a spelling/grammar N@zi, but sometimes a person's bad spelling makes for an unintentionally funny headline. How about this:

"Do you have the lips of an angle? I am looking for a woman how has the kiss of an Angle."

Um, what kind of angle? Right angle? Acute angle? More like obtuse angle. LOL

"love's music playing guitar like's going too movie's specialy drive in at port hope (love it!)enjoy's soccer, the beach, and nice drive's in the country."

"Nobody reads this stuff anyway's. Ask me and I'll tell you. Picture's on request."

Enough with the apostrophes!!! Argh!

"i can give you a diatribe of who i am but that might be mundane. however it's probably better to get to the cruz of who i am and what makes me tick.

Diatribe? Are you really that self-critical and bitter? Cruz? That just sounds gross! At least he used "mundane" correctly.

Then of course there's ALL CAPS GUY, or cAP lOCKS iMPAIRED gUY. Or _./'\._ .•¤**¤•.•¤**¤•.•¤**¤•._./'\._*•. .•* •. .•*/.•*•.\ •¤**¤•.•¤**¤•.•¤**¤•. /.•*•.\ whatever the heck THAT means! And even Emoticon Guy (dancing bananas, rock hands, dancing smiley, etc.).

Other words/phrases that turn me off:

Class/classy (shudder)
Lady/Ladies (honestly, I'd prefer Gal/Girl to Lady!)
Someone to complete me (gag)

The list is long... I guess that's why I haven't found anyone yet. LOL

Profiles

2009-08-29T07:55:00.004-04:00

I'm always interested in reading other people's profiles. Especially women, because I like to see how they present themselves. I wonder what types of profiles get more hits than others. I'm sure that the photo has a LOT to do with it. But what kids of user names and headlines (that show up ahead of the profiles) attract guys the most?

This is what people will see when I show up on a search on PoF (the photo at the left here on my blog is the photo I use). Comments are welcome (I can take it - I think):

Kitchen goddess!
"Totally normal and cool; not a whack-job." - that's what my best friend Leo says about me. I'm young looking (35, not 45), young-at-heart (25, not 45), great smile, awesome cook, fit, great friend, Toronto Ontario

To see the rest of my profile they have to click on my username or photo. PoF only shows the first X number of characters in your profile, without line breaks, so how much shows is up to them, not you.

Is this sending a compelling intro? Would a guy want to click on that link?

Update: So, the two guys I am communicating with right now both have names starting with A, so I will name them A1 and A2.

A1: 46, Gemini, lives near me. We have plans to get together on Tuesday. We chatted quite a bit on-line yesterday afternoon. He sounds nice, has a good sense of humour, and I think we'll get along. He works in the telecom industry and made a comment about having "computer geekery" skills (he's helping a friend buy and set up a computer today), but I don't really know what he does.

A2: 47, (profile says 44, but he fessed up to this in our first e-mail), Cancer. This is the one I spoke about in my last post. We had connected many months ago, but then lost touch, then I started seeing R, then he contacted me again. He replied to my message yesterday and said he's be open to talking and getting together. He's a cop. I think he's in Vice because he made a comment about how he only meets prostitutes and lawyers in his line of work. He plays the guitar. He's working nights this week and then has the week off starting Monday, so he has my number and will call when he can.

Bad form?

2009-08-28T09:56:00.002-04:00

Back in the spring I was chatting with a few guys on line, setting up dates, etc. I met this guy (rockstar) and we seemed to hit it off on-line, but never met in person (he dropped off for a bit). Then I met R and we started dating. I got an e-mail from rockstar (while R and I were still together) trying to re-connect. I replied saying that I was seeing someone.

So, I am now back on the market. I didn't go looking for rockstar deliberately, but when I was on-line today he came up in my search (as did a few others guys I'd corresponded with) and was active as recently as today. I thought, what the heck - drop him a line to let him know that you're interested in meeting him. So I did.

Is that bad form (or just weird)?

BTW, I haven't heard from A yet (the one who suggested we get together on Tuesday) even though I can see that he's been on-line recently and has read my message.

All the cool kids are doing it...

2009-08-27T21:35:00.004-04:00

So, I haven't posted here in a while. I have another private/personal journal I write in, as well as a great on-line running forum that I post on that meets most of the needs that writing a public blog fulfilled.

But I thought I'd start things up again since a few of my friends have started blogs recently. The common theme among them is a sort of "Adventures in Internet-Datingland" approach. So here goes my contribution to that...

I guess the first important piece of information is that I recently broke up with someone that I'd been seeing for a few months. We met on-line. I had been "dating" lots of guys at that point, but when I met R I knew that there was something different about him. He was the 9th of 10 guys I went out with in a 12-month period - hardly a prolific dating life, but it had gotten more active in the first few months of 2009.

I'm not sure really what happened to cause the breakup. Even though our relationship was short-lived, it was pretty intense and we'd started to make plans for our future together. We just seemed to fit really well. But then I started to feel him drifting away from me toward the beginning of July. Part of that was due to his work/travel schedule, as well as some traveling on my part. All of these were things that had been planned long before we met, so we knew that we just had to make it to mid-August before all our previously-scheduled commitments were over and we could spend more time together. But as I said, once July approached, he started to become distant and the time we spent apart was difficult to bridge. Finally, the week after I got back from Lake Placid (and many attempts to talk and resolve things), things became unbearable for me and I decided to end it. Other than a very heartfelt e-mail I sent him a few days later (and a very brief reply on his part) we have not spoken or seen each other since the first Monday in August. I don't plan on contacting him, and knowing him, he is unlikely to contact me (stubborn Scot that he is).

It doesn't seem like a lot of time has passed, but I really feel like I need to get back "out there" and resume dating. I still have a bit of bitterness over how things ended with R, but I believe that I can put that aside and give my full attention/effort (and eventually my heart) to someone new.

So here goes...

I'm back on PoF (free site), re-posted my profile on F-S (but haven't paid yet), and am also thinking of joining another site that matches based on chemistry (but it's expensive and I don't really want to pay for that right now).

Anyway, I've met one guy: A. He lives in my neighbourhood and he asked if I'd like to get together on Tuesday. I replied "yes" (this morning), but I haven't heard back from him yet. Details to follow...

Majorca!

2008-04-14T14:54:00.005-04:00

I'm just back from my cycling trip to Majorca! What a paradise that is! There were more bikes than cars on the road. Sea, mountains, farmland... you couldn't ask for anything more! I rode 511 kms in 6 days. My two longest rides were 105K and 113K. Lots and lots of climbing!

The weather was cool, especially at the start of the rides in the morining, but got up to about 20-22C by the afternoon. Perfect riding weather. Mostly sunny, though we did have two overcast days. Luckily, no rain until late Saturday afternoon (and I wasn't riding then).

This is the sunrise over the Mediterranean the first morning we arrived. This was the view from my balcony. Gorgeous!

We had one rest day mid-week, so we took the bus into Palma, which is the main city, about an hour away from where we were staying in Alcudia.

I ate like a pig while I was there, but it was worth it.

The Yellow Line

2008-02-19T17:00:00.002-05:00

Yes, I realize I've been AWOL for a while. I have an internet running forum that I post regularly on, and now with "Crackbook", it's hard to find time to update blogs like this. Anyway, here's where I'm at.

I've managed to break through my long-time fat barrier and post a new low of 157.6 pounds! The great news is that I started 2008 a full 10 pounds lighter than I started 2007, so 164 on Jan 1/08. But with some diligent eating/exercising, I'm now just below 160. My short-term goal is to get to 155 by the time I go on vacation (cycling in Spain) in early April. I'm pretty sure I can do it.

The thing that helped me break through the old barrier of 165 was to exercise less, which also allowed me to eat less. Instead of the 1800-2000 calories I was eating before (in order to fuel my ultra-long workouts), I am now only eating about 1500-1700 calories per day (excluding those I take in during long bikes/runs in the form of sports drink or gels). And I increased the intensity of my workouts, but kept them all in the 40-60-minute range. Once I start going longer than 60-90 minutes on a workout, it starts to wreak havoc on my appetite. That's partly why after flirting with 157, I am now back up to 159-160 without any new weight loss in the last two weeks: my mileage has increased in preparation of a 30K race I'm doing at the end of March.

During this weight loss process I've also borrowed from The Biggest Loser and implemented my own "yellow line." This is the weight that I cannot allow myself to go above. Over the holidays I set it at 165 and I did get very close to it in early January. Now I've lowered my yellow line to 161, so I don't leave myself much wiggle room. Mostly because I don't want to give myself too much license to slack off.

So, I'm only 4 pounds away from my short-term goal, but those four pounds seem very, very far away at this point. My long-term goal (by end of summer) is to get to 150 and be able to wear a two-piece bathing suit in public. I'm not sure if I want to go any lower than that - I don't want to give up my Clydesdale/Athena status - ha ha!

Races for this year: Two long-course tris (June & August) and a 70.3 in September. By July, I'll also have to decide if I want to do Ironman again next summer. I'm on the fence at this point.

Ciao for now!

Long-Term Fat

2007-08-16T19:14:00.000-04:00

I have this theory that there’s a difference between Long-term fat and Short-term fat. How I define those is as follows:

Short-term fat consists of those few extra pounds gained or lost in the short term. For example, I weighed 165 a few weeks ago and gained seven pounds and was up to 172 a few days ago. As of today, I’ve lost some of that weight and I’m now down to 168 again. That’s Short-Term Fat and I find that particularly easy to lose with some diligent eating over a week or so. In reality, some of that “fat” might have actually been water or some other type of weight gain, not necessarily 100% fat.

Long-term fat consists of that fat I gained over the previous 15-20 years that brought me to an all-time high weight of 235 pounds in October of 1996. In the first year, I was able to lose 20-25 pounds of that, however my weight kind of stabilized at 210-215 for a while (likely that 20-25 pounds was only gained in the previous 1-2 years). In 1999-2000, I was successful in losing another 35-40 pounds of Long-term fat to bring me to 170-175. I managed to gain some of that weight back over the next few years (back up to 185 in 2002-2003), but then got diligent with my eating/exercise in early 2003 and managed to lose 10-15 pounds. I stabilized at 173-178 for quite a while. My next breakthrough in burning Long-term Fat came in the fall of 2005 when I was able to lose another 10 pounds taking me to a new all-time low of 165 pounds. I’m up a few pounds from that now, but that’s my new “baseline” of Long-term fat that I am trying to break through.

So, why the distinction between Short-term and Long-term fat? Well my theory is that Short-term fat is relatively easy to lose as your body has been that weight before and it easily adapts to that level. But Long-term fat is much harder to get rid of as it’s never been burned before. It requires new levels of calorie reduction and exercise to burn it off. And it’s damned hard to lose! It also requires much more of a lifestyle change and permanent changes to eating habits – not to mention the psychological and emotional changes that go along with it.

Of course, I have nothing but my own anecdotal experience to back this up, but that seems to be the way it works for me.

My current “Long-Term Fat Loss Challenge” is to break through that 165 barrier and get to 160 by mid-fall. I am realistic in thinking that it might not be feasible to expect that I will lose any weight in November and December as that’s peak holiday party time, but I hope to be able to maintain whatever I lose by the end of October all the way through until January. That’s when I can focus on my next goal: 150!

When last we left our heroine...

2007-08-07T20:05:00.000-04:00

She was reporting in on two recent races. Well, I've run (and swam and biked) two more since then and I am now done for the summer.

Short reports:

July 8: Did a sprint tri (750m swim, 20K bike, 5K run) and won my category (that I like to call "Fat Chicks Over 40", or Clydesdale F40+). I also had a personal best at the distance, which made it all that much more sweet. My time was 1hr, 27 minutes.

August 5: Did a long course tri (2K swim, 56K bike, 15K run) and finished 12th of 12 in my category (W40-44), but took 6 minutes off my previous PB on that course from 2005 and took 3 whole minutes off my swim time (37 minutes), which I am totally stoked about. My finishing time was 4hrs, 20 minutes.

My racing season is now done, so my focus will be on:

1) Healing these stupid injuries (hamstring, glute, plantar fasciitis)
2) Losing some weight (Goal: 160 by my birthday in December)
3) Painting and decorating my condo
4) Going on dates

The weight part will be hard because I seem to have this 166-168 set point that I am fighting. If I can break through that and get to 160 and stay there for a while I will be super happy. I am not going back to the dietician because it was the most useless way to spend $450. The only thing she told me was to reduce my proportion of carbs down to 55% (from 65%) and take in fewer calories. Ya think!?? I'm not sure what my strategy is going to be, except I am going to experiment with exercising less. Yes, that's quite the concept, isn't it! My theory is that all the hard training messes with my appetite and my metabolism, so it just wants to hang onto fat. I'm going to keep all my workouts to less than 60 minutes (mostly 30-45 minutes) and also incorporate some weight training twice a week. I'm also going to try really hard to eat about 1600 calories per day. That will be really tough for me as I tend to get squirelly on anything less than 1800. I'm hoping that the reduction in exercise will help me do that.

Painting and decorating will be fun. I already have my colours picked out (two shades of medium/dark beige, plus a brick-red accent wall), so it's just a matter of buying the paint and getting started. And I think I found a solution to my window covering/hardware dilemma (thanks 1kea!).

Dating, well I'm not sure if that's going to be more or less difficult than dieting! So far it's been a big old pain that hasn't yielded anything. My relationship with the non-BF is getting in the way a bit (it's working well for him, just not so well for me), so I'm trying to figure out the right balance there.

Two for the price of one!!

2007-07-02T14:59:00.000-04:00

Yes I have two - count 'em - two recent races to report on. Of course, that's simply because I've been such an inconsistent blogger that I never got around to posting one from my race three weeks ago. Here goes...

Race #1: 2K swim, 55K bike, 15K run (Sunday, June 17, 2007)

We got to the race site nice and early (and scored a primo parking spot, too). I set up my transition area, then just stood around and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, we made our way down to the lake for the start. I saw BMan and Stella and wished them both well on their races. I was wearing my brand new sleeveless wetsuit. Technically, it wasn’t “brand new” since I had swam in it for about 10 minutes the day before. I LOVED the wetsuit. It was awesome. I was a bit nervous for my friend L who was doing his longest swim in a race ever. He had done 1000m at Bellwood last year, but this was double that distance and he was a little worried. He was in the wave after mine, so I knew I wouldn’t see him until somewhere on the bike.

I was in the fourth wave starting at 8:16AM. This wave consisted of women 30-44, all wearing bright pink caps. The gun went off and I started swimming. Within a minute, my goggles started to fog, so sighting became difficult, especially since we were swimming into the rising sun. I just followed the pack and hoped they were going in the right direction. Then my goggles started to leak. This wasn’t horrible because the small amount of water inside actually worked to clear the goggles. At the first turn, I had to stop for a few seconds to clear them, though. I think I stopped once or twice later in the race to clear them again. Swimming into the channel, I started to get passed from the faster swimmers from the wave behind (Men 40-44).

OK, here I have to go on a rant: I understand that if you place yourself at the front of your swim wave that there’s a certain amount of jostling for position that happens. That’s part of the sport. Generally speaking, you’re talking about people who are all strong swimmers. But if you are at the front of your pack coming up on the slower swimmers from the wave before yours, it’s totally rude and unsportsmanlike to get physical with those slower swimmers, just because they’re in your way. Go around them, not over or through them! Sheesh!

So, after getting jostled a few times by the silver capped guys, I tried to maintain my form and just get it done. I don’t think I took the straightest line at the end, but I still managed to get out of the water at 40:45, which was within my predicted goal time. There was a 250m run from the lake to the T-zone (and timing mat). I just took my time and only jogged lightly on this section. I took my time in T1. The official stats show it as 4-something because of where the timing mats were, but by my watch, it was 5:27 (including the jog up from the lake). I didn’t rush, put all my gear on, struggled with getting my odometer re-set (I should have done this before the race – duh!). Grabbed my bike and off I went. I honestly don’t know where all that time went! Most people’s transitions were around 3 minutes. I think I must have baked a batch of cookies while in transition. Ha ha.

Off on the bike… I got on my bike with no incident, but my first test of the day was about to happen. How was I going to feel sitting on that saddle after my accident earlier in the week? [Note: I had fallen off my commuter bike the Tuesday before the race and jammed the saddle up into my, um, girlie bits. They were still swollen on race day.] Well, it felt fine! It didn’t hurt any more than how it normally hurts to sit on a saddle. There’s a short out-and-back section (turnaround at 12.5K) where it’s kind of cool to see people you know. I got passed by Stella then by Bman. Just as I was exiting the O&B (17K mark), I saw L on his way in. I was sooooo relieved to see him on his bike and smiling, which meant that he had made it through the swim without incident. I kept a nice pace for the first 25K or so. There were a few climbs that required my granny gear and even getting out of the saddle (more to stretch my legs than because I had to). The bike course is very technical. And many of the turns happen either at the bottom of a big downhill (so you have to slow way down to make the tight corner), or have significant uphills right after, but you’ve lost your momentum in the turn. The section from 25-38K was beautiful, tree-lined and shady. The road here was in OK condition (not great) and the ups and downs were manageable (except for one short steep part that I struggled with, even out of the saddle). But once we made the turn onto Brittania Rd., it was a whole new race. There was a killer hill at the start of this section, followed by lots and lots more hills (up and down) and lots and lots of turns – think roller coaster ride! There were a few where (even standing) I was concerned that I would tip over from going too slowly. But I made it, though my legs were a little fried. Just after the 45K mark, we turned back onto Brunel and I new I could basically coast from there to transition. I didn’t want to hammer as I wanted to save my legs a bit.

I flew into T2, dismounted and checked my watch: 2:12:25. Cool! My original goal had been 2:10, but when I saw how hilly it was, I revised that to 2:15-2:20. So I came in close to my original goal and was happy. T2 went without a hitch. I was in and out in less than 2 minutes (even with walking from my bike to the run exit).

I started running and thankfully the first part was slightly downhill. There was a short uphill section about 500m into the run, but there were so many spectators I didn’t want to walk. At this point I ran into my friend, D. We ran/walked together for a bit, but I know that he’s a much faster runner than I am, so when I needed to take a walk break, I told him to go on. The run wasn’t too hilly, just a few gently rolling ups and down (that might as well have been mountains since my legs were so dead after the bike ride). I hit the 2K marker at 12:45, so right on my 6:30 goal pace. I ran when I could and walked (with aggression) when I couldn’t. For every cup of water I drank, I put two over my head. It was sooooo hot and there wasn’t much (if any) shade on the way out. At about the 4K mark I heard a voice call my name from behind: it was L! He had made it safely off the bike, so now I had nothing more to worry about. After a hug, we ran together for a bit, but I sent him on his way as he is a much speedier runner than I am. 5K split was 32 minutes, which was just fine with me. After the turnaround, things got a bit better as we had a bit of a headwind and there was a touch of shade on that side of the road. Again, I ran when I could and walked when I couldn’t run. My 10K split was 1:06, so I had definitely slowed down. My hamstrings and glutes were screaming at me in the last 4K or so. I walked a lot here. When I hit the 13K mark I really tried to run as much as possible since there were only two kilometers to go.

As I was getting ready to take a walk break on a slight incline at 13.5K, I could see a woman from my club in the distance. We are in the same age category and I hadn’t seen her since T1, so I didn’t know that she was ahead of me. I used that as motivation to keep running and see if I could catch her. I caught her just after the 14K mark. I also took advantage of the final 750m downhill to the finish to turn on the jets and ensure that I finished strong, leaving everything on the course. By my watch, I did the final kilometer in a little over five minutes! I crossed the line in 4:38:53, good enough for 3rd place in the W-Clyde 40+ division (though I didn’t find that out until later when I checked the results on-line).

Overall, I’m happy with my race. I think I did the best I could on the day, on that course. The only thing I would change is not wasting so much time in transition.

Report #2: 10K Road Race (Sunday, July 1, 2007)

The weather: PERFECT! About 15C with a light breeze off the lake. The sun was in and out, which was also perfect.

The race: Last week I told my friend (& hostess for the weekend) Jo-Jo that I wasn't planning on "racing". I was looking at this as a social weekend "with a pesky little 10K in the middle." This morning, I told her that I wasn't going to make a decision about whether to "race" it until about 4K in. I told another friend, Jane, at the start of the race that I was just hoping to come in under an hour. Well, after the first kilometer, I knew I was feeling good and should go for it. My legs were feeling "light", which is not something I've felt on a run in quite a while.

After my first kilometer I looked down at my watch and it said 5:50. Wow! That's a good pace for me and I was feeling like I wasn't really working very hard, so I picked up the pace a bit to see how I felt. This next section was pretty flat and when I hit the split on my watch at the 2K marker it read 5:22 - wow, that's my fast tempo pace! I was feeling good, so I just went with it. I guess I AM racing today, afterall. I was running well in the third kilometer, but then there was a hill just before the 3K mark. Surprisingly, my legs felt light and I felt strong going up the hill (not normal for me as I usually struggle on hills). Everything was going well until I hit the 5K marker when I looked at my watch and it said 5:11. Wow! That's the pace I do my speed work at!! Little did I know, there had been a very slight downhill grade (and that I'd notice it on the return lap between the 6th and 7th kilometers.

After the final water station (around 8K) I was tracking this woman in front of me. Every time I gained on her, she'd pull away again. But I didn't let that bungee cord go and just hung on to the back of her for the rest of the race. Little did I know, she was in my age category and took 5th place (and I came 6th) of 13 women.

Here's how the race went by the numbers. My splits are as suprising to me as anyone:
1K - 5:50 (just starting out easy)
2K - 5:22 (flat)
3K - 5:27 (there was an uphill)
4K - 5:21 (another uphill)
5K - 5:11 (slight downhill grade)
[turnaround at 5.5K]
6K - 5:13 (still feeling strong)
7K - 5:24 (I'm going for it )
8K - 5:21 9K - 5:16 (it's hammer time)
10K - 5:11
Finish: 53:42 (by my watch, 53:44 chip time)

That's a new PB by 1:16 (and my previous PB was set on what I think might have been a short course). Last year, I ran this race in 59:10 on a brutally hot day (and I wasn't really "racing" last
year, either), so I took more than five minutes off last year's time!

I'm getting more pumped going into my next race this coming Sunday. It's a Sprint Tri (750m/20K/5K) and I hope to finish under 1:30, with my goal time being 1:26. I did this race five years ago in 1:29, so I'd really like to beat that time.

Whassup???

2007-05-31T21:18:00.000-04:00

1. I had a great trip to Italy. Rode close to 500km over 7 days. It was a great group of people (24 of us in total). Lots and lots of climbing, though it's all switchbacks, so it seems a bit more manageable. I also swam in the Adriatic. I can't remember the last time I swam in salt water. It was cold, but not frigid (and I was wearing a wetsuit). I can't wait to go back next year, though I hear the trip might be to Spain.

2. My back is pretty much healed, though I do feel pain while cycling up hills. I have to be more diligent about doing my exercises (gluteus medius and maximus, plus hamstrings).

3. Dating life is non-existant. Oh well. At least I have my health (and all my own teeth). Ha ha. Funny thing (sort of), I was at the funeral for my non-BF's father and one of his female relatives commented on how good looking I am. Her exact words (said to him, not me) were, "I'd do her." And she's straight! Ha ha. I guess I should be flattered. Though I'd really prefer to get that kind of attention from single guys. Oh well.

4. Racing: I'm training for my next tri, which is a 2K/55K/15K event on June 17. I've never done this race before but I have done one of similar distance. I expect it to take me about 4.5 hours.

5. Weight. Ugh. I spent over $400 on a dietician and it really made no difference at all. Honestly, I did all the work (food journal, etc.) and she didn't really provide me with anything that I couldn't (and didn't already) do myself. I might have dropped 5 pounds, but I could have done that on my own just by logging my food as I did. Anyway, I've seen some unflattering photos of myself and don't like what I see in the mirror, so I have to do something. I just think I might have more success if I wait until the fall when my training drops down (and I'm not so hungry all the time). Though to be honest, I'm never really NOT training for something. Maybe in November and December, but that's holiday season and who wants to be dieting then?? Pffft. Right now, I'm fluctuating between 168-170.

6. Work. It pays the bills. End of story. I'll likely be getting a new boss and I'm not too jazzed about that, but I have to keep an open mind.

Things coming up in my life over the next few months:

- Going camping next weekend with five other friends. Looking forward to that.
- Race June 17 (described above)
- 10K race July 1
- Sprint tri July 8 - I'm racing against a friend who is evenly matched with me (we're in the same age/weight category). That should be fun (yet scary) since I've never raced against anyone before. I hope I win!
- Trip to Lake Placid at the end of July for training and to watch friends race the Ironman.
- Long course tri (2K/56K/15K) the first weekend in August.

The rest of my summer is pretty open.

Getting better

2007-02-17T10:37:00.000-05:00

My chiro has been a saviour this week. She's magical! I'm feeling a lot better now and I got the go-ahead from her to run if I feel OK, so I'm going to head to the treadmill this afternoon. Yay! I still have lower back pain, and bending over is still hard and painful, but it's coming along.

I also met with a dietician last week to see if I can drop these last 20 pounds. We're going to try for 10 pounds between now and when I leave for Italy in mid-April. This is a weird week to start because my activity level has been so low, but we're starting me at 1800 calories and will adjust from there. I'm still hovering around 170, though I'm not seeing spikes up to 173 like I had been before, so that's good. I'm fine as long as I can prepare my own food, but I was on a course for two days this week and went out for dinner on Thursday, so it's been hard to gauge my caloric intake (let alone control what's in my food).

I've also started communicating with a couple of guys on-line, so might have a pre-date with one of them this weekend. They are both triathletes, but they don't live in my city, so that could be a problem. We'll see.

I had applied for a new job at my company and had an interview a couple of weeks ago. Well, I got the call on Thursday that I didn't get the job. No biggie, I'm just bored in my current job, that's all. But then I had a meeting with my director yesterday afternoon and it looks like I'll be getting to work on some more interesting projects, so things are looking up.

Time to clean my bathroom...

laid up

2007-02-12T09:36:00.000-05:00

argh. i'm flat on my back - and unable to use caps, sorry - from a freak dressing incident. i had just done a 2-hour bike ride and was taking off my shorts when... pop. aaargh.

i've been hobbling around since saturday. i'm trying to get in to see my physio guy today. i hate it when my body doesn't do what i want it to do.

i just have to remind myself that it's 2 months to italy and i have to do whatever required to be healthy for that trip.

argh.

It's Official

2007-01-21T20:41:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am having a mid-life crisis.

That's the bad news. The good news is that I'm not having an affair with a 25-year-old or buying a sportscar I can't afford. Instead, I'm taking a trip to Italy with a bunch of strangers. Hmpf.

Seriously, I am having a mid-life crisis of sorts, but at least I'm aware that this is what's happening. And I'm not eating or drinking myself into oblivion. So that's good.

But it still makes for some tough times emotionally. I'm questioning a lot of things about myself and what I want from life. I'm trying really hard to figure out what I want my life to be (actually, this is the easier part). The harder part is figuring out how I'm going to go about achieving it. Sigh.

Oh, well... onward.

Revolutions

2007-01-11T20:04:00.000-05:00

I don’t really like making New Year’s Resolutions. It implies that I’m “bad” in some way and need to resolve to be better. I like to set goals for myself and then put a plan in place to achieve them.

That said, there are some things that I would like to be better at doing this year. One of them is being a more frequent blogger. Truth be told, I started my blog so that I would have an outlet to write about my feelings and the things that were going on in my life. But what I’ve found in the last little while is that I have many more outlets for this, including family and friends, so that the blog itself isn’t as necessary for that purpose.

I’m going through a bit of a personal revolution right now. I don’t want to call it a “mid-life crisis” because it’s not as bad as that. Maybe “renaissance” is a better word. Either way, I am definitely at a turning point right now. The good thing is that I am in a much better place than I was when I went through this 8-10 years ago. And, I have the benefit of experience from that time to help me through this.

The other thing I am grateful for is that I know that, however painful it might be at the time, the end result is very much worth it. And I will end up being happier than I ever thought possible.

I’ve also realized how multi-dimensional my life is and how happiness/contentment in one area doesn’t necessarily translate into overall happiness. I guess a little more balance is in order. But what I have to decide is whether I am willing to make sacrifices in one area of my life in order to help improve things in another area.

The other thing about this blog is that it’s kind of evolved over time. I’ve used it as a soapbox, to entertain, to track weight-loss progress, to document training goals and accomplishments, and sometimes just to vent or rant. I guess it will kind of continue in that vein. I’ve decided that I don’t owe anything to anyone in terms of keeping it up to date or writing about what anyone in particular wants to read about. As the saying goes, Dance like nobody is watching (or, in this case, Write like nobody is reading).

So, what is actually going on in my life write now?

Weight: I’m still hovering around 170-172. I’d really like to be 150. My “lowest weight ever” is 164.5. That said, I’m not really locked into a number on the scales so much as I’d like to be a particular size (e.g., a 10). I want to get my waist measurement down below 32 inches. I want to get these rolls of fat off my abdomen and back. If I can do that, I really don’t care about my actual weight. And given the fact that I have a fair amount of muscle mass, I likely will never be 135 pounds.

Training: Notice, I don’t even refer to it as “exercise”. To be frank, I love physical activity. I love being active. I don’t mind going to the gym. I love going for runs and bike rides with my friends. I don’t see it as a chore or a duty in any way. Lack of activity is not my vice; food is. My training goals for this year are:
· 30K race at the end of March – would love to come in between 3:00 and 3:10
· Cycling in Italy (April) – I have to get my butt in gear to be ready for eight days of cycling. [Gulp.]
· Triathlon: I have two goal races that are about the same distance (2K swim, 56K bike, 15K run). My PB at this distance is 4 hours and 24 minutes. In the first race, my goal is just to complete it since it’s a very tough course. In the second race, I’d love to take a few minutes off my swim and bike times.
· Running: I haven’t ruled out the idea of a fall marathon. I always said that I’d never run another marathon (unless it was part of Ironman) as the training is just too much. But I really don’t think that I’ve come anywhere close to my potential at that distance (PB of 4:48). The other option is to try to run a 2-hour half marathon, which is close to seven minutes faster than my current PB. A tall order, to say the least.

Food: Ugh. I have a love-hate relationship with food. I love it – a bit too much. The fact that I even have a “relationship” with food is an indication to me that there is a problem. I’m trying to eat less. I’m trying to eat for fuel and not for emotional reasons. I’m trying not to eat mindlessly. All of this is hard for me.

Work: Kinda sucks right now. Mostly because I’m bored (guess where I’m writing this???). I’ve applied for two jobs internally, but I’m not even really that jazzed about either of them. We’ll see what happens in the next few weeks.

Family: This area is pretty stable and my relationships here are good. Nothing much to report in this area.

Social: My social life is intertwined with my exercise life since the vast majority of my close friends and acquaintances are recreational athletes like I am. I’m very happy with the status of my friendships and they bring a lot to my life. The only thing I wish is that I could maintain closer relationships with old friends who aren’t part of my regular exercise-social group. I guess that’s just something I have to do.

Love Life: Kinds sucks right now, too. I’ve realized recently how much of a void this is in my life. I’ve done a pretty good job of filling the void with other things, but since the short-term relationship I had last spring ended, I’m really feeling it. All the things I’ve used as a substitute in the past (work, exercise, food) just aren’t cutting it anymore. The problem is, I don’t really know what I need to do to make a change in this area. It all seems so random. If you go looking for it and can’t find it, you’re told to just “relax and let it happen.” If you relax and wait for it to come to you, you’re told to “get out there, meet people, join a club doing something you love to meet like-minded people.” So, which is it??

Community: This is an area where I am really lacking. I feel bad about the fact that I do very little in terms of social/community work. I’ve made a commitment to myself that I will do one volunteer activity per month this year. I did one in November (Habitat) and another one in December (Scott Mission), but I have to figure out something to do this month. Ideally, I’d like to do the same thing every month, rather than have to figure out something new on a monthly basis. But I need to find the opportunity that is right for me. To some extent, my position with the Tri club would constitute as a community/volunteer activity, but it just doesn’t seem the same to me.

Education: Hmmm, that one has really been on the back burner for the last few years since I started training for running and triathlon. I guess it all comes down to the issue of balance again. And it’s also related to my job woes, since I don’t really know what I want to “do”, so I don’t know what type of education I should be pursuing.

So, that's where I am right now: in a bit of a holding pattern. Let's hope that 2007 brings me some clarity and peace of mind.

I Resolve...

2007-01-10T17:51:00.000-05:00

To be a more frequent blogger this year. Sorry.

Getting ready to head out for a run (hills). My big news is that I'm "training" for my spring vacation to Italy! It's a 10-day trip with eight days of cycling, so I've got to get in shape.

I didn't gain too much weight over the holidays and I'm back to where I was before (around 171), even flirted with 169 a couple of days this week! Woo!

Exercising six days a week, sometimes twice a day. My total workout time is about 7 hours per week and will go up from there.

Ciao for now!

Four Birthday Kisses

2006-12-09T10:42:00.000-05:00

How much better can a birthday get?

Last night, it was my run club's Christmas party. We put in a few extra bucks on the bar tab every Wednesday night throughout the year and the leftover cash (that our "CFO" puts into a special account) funds all our food/drink at the Christmas party. We ate, drank and danced up a storm last night (my feet are sooooooo sore!). We closed the place down and I didn't get home until about 2:20AM. Thankfully, I had the foresight to drink a few glasses of ice water towards the end of the night, so I wasn't too hung over this morning.

What was that part about four kisses?

Right, well, at midnight last night it was my birthday. So, my friends decided that I should have a tequila shooter at midnight to celebrate. I usually prefer my tequila in a margarita, but what the heck... After the shooter, I got lovely birthday kiss from four of my cute running friends (one after the other - NOT simultaneously - get your minds out of the gutter). That's a pretty darned good way to start my 44th year!

[I refuse to let the evening be spoiled by the fact that I was the only one who didn't have a partner for the last dance of the evening though... hmpf! But it did bring back some bad high-school memories.]

Now, off to run through the streets of town in nothing but a bathing suit and a Santa hat! Oh boy, it's gonna be coooooooold!

Meltdown

2006-11-21T21:18:00.000-05:00

I had a bit of a meltdown last week.

Non-BF and I had a great time in Florida. Things were really easy between us - no disagreements, no awkwardness, no getting on each other's nerves... none of the normal kind of stuff that happens while travelling. We had a really great time.

We get back on the Friday night and I'm feeling really good about our relationship/friendship. I didn't talk to him much on the Saturday (we were both busy). He didn't come to run club on Sunday and I was busy the rest of the day. Finally we touched base on Sunday night. Turns out he had been with his other "friend" (S) on Saturday evening and most of the day Sunday. Hmmm. OK.

On Monday, I e-mail him to see if he wants to come on a trail run with some friends the following Saturday. He replies back that he can't as he's going out of town. Out of town? Where? Montreal. Montreal? What for? Oh, S is going there for business and she asked me to come along. You're going to MONTREAL?? MY HOMETOWN?? WITH HER???

I lost it (which, for me, means I shut down and stopped communicating, turning my anger inward).

Since he's my Non-BF (emphasis on the NON part), I don't have any claims on him, his time or whom he chooses to spend his time with. But I just could NOT deal with the fact that he was going away to Montreal for the weekend with S.

I don't really hold grudges and tend to get over stuff fairly quickly, as long as I've had a chance to wallow in self-pity and shed many tears. I think I cried myself to sleep three nights in a row over this. After that, I had calmed down a bit.

On Thursday, he came over to deliver my bike (his offer to pick up my bike at the shop was somewhat of a peace offering, I guess). Things were civil yet distant between us and he picked up on my coldness right away. When he finally called me on my behaviour, I broke down in tears in his arms. We talked about what was bothering me:

The thing is, I know that he's not the one for me (and that his heart is still on hold for someone else), but I just felt so threatened by the fact that I felt like he was pulling away from me by going away with S for the weekend. What I realized is that I have this huge void in my life that he had been filling (even though not entirely). A lot of the void was also masked by how busy I was all spring/summer with my Ironman training. But now that that's over, the void is this big gaping hole that I don't know what to do about.

I took a huge risk when I allowed myself to open up to him last winter. I had always prided myself on how independant I was and how I didn't "need" anyone. The downside is that once I allowed myself to open up and feel (and it actually felt very good, regardless of how much I felt exposed and vulnerable), I now also feel the loss since I don't have anyone to share that part of myself with (leaving me to feel even more exposed and vulnerable).

On the surface, I have a really great life, a home of my own, lots of great friends and many great experiences, but that's only the surface. Underneath I am unfulfilled, empty and lonely. None of those things matter to me without someone to share it with.

As much as I am still sad and hurting, I'm very glad that we were able to have such an honest convesation. He provided me with some valueable feedback and his perspective on things. I know that he has my best interests at heart and will do whatever he can to help me fulfill my dreams.

The other good thing is that I know I've been here before (about eight years ago, in fact) as I was going through my physical transformation. I felt a similar sense of exposure when I first started losing weight as I didn't have a layer of protection anymore. At the time, I thought I was going to lose my mind or just cry myself into oblivion. I didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't know if/when I'd ever get what I wanted. It was a really tough time.

But what I learned from that experience is that, no matter how hard times are, I will come through it. I will get what I want (even if it doesn't come in the form I think it will). So, I'm holding onto that knowledge, no matter how small or fragile a hope it might be. Because it's all I have right now.

Back from my mini-vacation

2006-11-11T16:16:00.000-05:00

My non-BF and I went to D1sney for a couple of days. He won the trip through work. We were only there for two and a half days, but it was so nice to get away and relax.

We had one free park pass (each), so we chose to go to Epc0t. That was a good choice. I really like the "Soarin'" ride. And "Mission to Mars" was intense.

We laughed at the Canada pavillion. The girls working there were dressed like lumberjacks and the movie about Canada was 23 years old!! Heck, some of the biggest buildings in downtown Toronto weren't even in the movie! Sheesh! I found that most of the indoor spaces smelled old and musty. Blech! Time for a facelift, Epc0t!!

I kind of ate like crap (meaning, whatever I wanted) while I was there (and even a bit since getting home last night), so I have to reign myself in a bit. I haven't stepped on the scales since I've been back. I think I was 171 before I left.

Today, I've just been running errands and drywalling a bit. I bought new running shoes since mine were almost toast.

I've pretty much recovered from my half marathon last weekend (we ran while we were in FLA and it felt good). I think I'll run 12K or so tomorrow. Next weekend, I'm meeting up with some friends to do a trail run (not a race, just a group run).

Next week, it's back to diligently working out. Note to self: Must start weight training again. Meh.

New Half-Marathon PB!

2006-11-05T15:19:00.000-05:00

I wasn't sure what to expect going into this race. It's been a long year of IM training and I wasn't sure if I had rested enough. I had thoughts of "PB" dancing around in the back of my mind, but I wasn't sure if I had it in me. I got my current PB (2:09:14) at this same race last year, so I was willing to give it another shot to see if the course would be good to me again.

I was relaxed going in. I didn't feel any pressure, just the normal pre-race excitement. It was great connecting with lots of my friends from the running club, too.

My plan was to try to stay in front of the 2:15 pace bunny (BG) and hold onto the 2:00 bunny (DG) as long as I could. Well, I lost sight of DG before the first kilometer marker (which I'm sure was off because my watch said I ran it in 4:51!). The 1-mile marker seemed to be right, though (9:40).

I also decided to follow my "average pace" on my SDM and use that as the gauge. For more than the first half, I was just under 6:00/km. I was kind of shocked by that because it's about 10 seconds/km faster than I normally run this distance. But I was feeling good, so I stuck with it.

This was also the first time in a long time that I raced with music. I pre-programmed my Nano with the best running tunes I could find, and tried to put them in order that I'd want/need to hear them.

The downside to running with music is that I couldn't hear my watch beep for walk breaks, so I had to keep looking at my watch. As a result, I didn't take them regularly every 10 minutes and they weren't a full minute long.

By the time I hit the 14K mark, my average pace had started to slow down to about 6:04 (this was the up-hilliest part of the course). It stayed at 6:04 all the way until the 18K mark when I decided to go for broke. I took my final walk break at the aide station there and then hunkered down and drove it home.

Just as I was getting to the 19K mark, an old favourite "earworm" of mine and my friend BG came on: "S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y-NIGHT! S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y-NIGHT!" That really got me going and I picked the pace up significantly. Then at the 20K mark, "Clocks" by Coldplay came on and I thought, Yeah, this is the perfect song to take me home. Finish before it's over, La.

Well, I hammered as hard as I could and as I got close to the finish line I saw the clock turning from 2:06:59 to 2:07:00. Yes, it was going to be a new PB!

Official chip time: 2:06:55!! Oh, baby! That was 2 minutes and19 seconds off my previous PB! That's smokin'! I really feel that sub-2:06 is within my grasp now. I honestly didn't think I had it in me as it seemed so far away from my previous PB of 2:09:14 (which had taken me 6 years to achieve).

Anyway, I'm sore. My hammies are killing me, but my friend's hot tub is calling my name, so I'll end my report here.

Snow

2006-10-29T15:28:00.000-05:00

It snowed here this weekend. Actually, I was up north at a cottage for the weekend and it snowed there.

The view from the cottage door

I went for a run this morning. Mine were the first footsteps in the snow. I love that.

My footstep

Down the road a bit

So nice and white... not for long!

I ran almost 7K. Not super far, but I have a race next Sunday (1/2 Marathon), so that's fine. Besides, I was taken aback by the beauty, solitude and freshness. I had to keep stopping to admire it.

Ten Years

2006-09-30T22:12:00.000-04:00

It just occurred to me that this month marks my 10-year anniversary of starting my fitness and weight-loss lifestyle. Oh, I had tried in the past and made half-hearted attempts at it, but this was the first time that I actually stuck with it and was successful.

It was a fairly long process (getting started, that is) - from the time I saw Bob Green on Oprah and bought his book that day; to finally getting signed on at the company gym and going for my first workout: about a month in total. So, things got kicked off the second week of September and I stepped on the treadmill for the first time at 6AM, Friday, October 11, 1996.

Weird, you might think, to start a fitness regime on a Friday. And the Friday before a holiday weekend, to boot!

I still remember how I felt when I got off that treadmill: I thought my legs and feet were detached from my body and I felt like I was floating across the room. The redness didn't leave my face until well after lunch. But after that long holiday weekend, I was back to the gym at 6AM on Tuesday morning and every weekday morning after that for over a year. To be honest, I was afraid that if I missed just one morning that I would quit altogether and fail yet again. I was partly motivated by fear.

But here I sit (yes, alone again on a Saturday night - oops, laundry is done... be right back), ten years later weighing at least 65 pounds lighter than I did that morning back in October of 1996. My losses were not dramatic at first and I hit lots of plateaus along the way, but I'm very proud of what I've accomplished. I don't know what the stats are, but I know that it's only a very small percentage of people who have been able to maintain a significant weight loss for 5 or more years.

I started at 235 pounds. The first 20-25 pounds came off fairly quickly. During that time, I also started running and even took up triathlon in '99. But as active as I was, I was unable to crack the 200-pound mark. In the fall of '99 I decided to do something that I had been considering for some years but never had the courage to do: have breast reduction surgery. I also discovered the power of the low-carb diet and was able to shed another 40 pounds in about 4 months so that I'd be within the guidelines that my surgeon recommended for me. On the day I went in for surgery, I was down to 174 pounds. I only lost about another five pounds post-op before I started to gain a bit back. I gained/lost off and on for the next couple of years.

By January of 2003, my weight had creeped back up to 188. I started my own version of "boot camp" and was able to lose about 15 pounds in the following months. That summer, I completed Ironman Lake Placid (2.4-mile swim, 112-mile bike, 26-mile run) in 16 hours and 33 minutes, weighing about 178 pounds, which is kind of where I hovered for the next 2-3 years.

Earlier this year, I finally was able to lose another 10 pounds or so, and post my "lowest weight ever" of 164 pounds. My weight creeped up a bit during Ironman training again this summer, but I was able to stabilize around 172. And I felt like my weight was distributed differently than it had been when I was at that weight before.

After my summer adventures, I allowed myself to eat and drink whatever I wanted and the other day I stepped on the scales and saw 175.6lbs. Oh, no... I've worked much too hard to get this weight off, I'm not going to let it creep back on again.

So, I took a radical approach and cut a bunch of stuff out of my diet. A friend of mine recently did a "cleanse" where he wasn't allowed to each much of anything other than chicken, fish, vegetables and rice. No caffeine, no sugar, no dairy, no wheat. Well, there was no way I could go full steam with a plan like that, so I made a couple of little changes:

1. No sugar, except where it was unavoidable (my soy milk contains sugar as do some condiments and things like that)
2. Limit dairy to milk in my coffee (no lattes, no cheese)
3. Cut way down on wheat and flour (no pasta, no mini-wheats for breakfast, no bread)
4. No potatoes, so the only "starches" I'm eating are rice and corn
5. Obviously, since sugar/flour are out, no baked goods of any kind. That includes processed treats like granola bars and the like.
6. No alcohol

Only one exception: When running, I am allowed to take energy gels, sports drinks and protein shakes (post-run), even though they contain sugar, wheat and/or dairy.

The first week has gone pretty well. I switched to oatmeal for breakfast with just a touch of real maple syrup. I was able to stay away from pasta/flour. I did cave a bit and allowed myself one low-fat chocolate pudding per day as a treat (otherwise I'd go mental).

My stomach kind of protested a bit, although I'm not quite sure why. I've never been one to have stomach issues, but I've been noticing little pains and discomforts over the last week. And the good news is that as of today I'm back down to 170lbs.

So, that is how I'm celebrating my 10-year anniversary: By re-committing myself to good eating.

Some Before & After photos:

July 1996 (my security badge photo)

September 1996 (in Chicago, days before I bought Bob Green's book)

September 1999 (my first half-marathon)

November 2005 (the New Me!)

Home alone on a Saturday night...

2006-09-16T20:12:00.000-04:00

How pathetic am I? Yes, I'm home alone on a Saturday night, just me and my piles of boxes and stuff to sort through. I mean, I don't really have to sort through any of it right this minute, but I really have nothing better to do.

How exciting is my life? Well, I bought new white sheets today (300-thread count) with some crisp brown piping along the edge. I laundered them and they came out of the dryer in a mass of wrinkles, so I spent the next 45 minutes ironing them. Argh! I HATE ironing! I didn't bother with the fitted bottom sheet (how would you iron that anyway, what with the elastic all around the edge??), but the pillow cases and top sheet had to be done.

And I did this as my former non-boyfriend lay on my bed after popping by on his way out on a date WITH ANOTHER GIRL!! [In his defense, he came by to drop off one of my drawers that he had fixed for me since the runner along the bottom had broken off and was a big pain to open/close.]

Oh yes, I have quite the life!

So, my bed is made with my fresh new sheets. And I'll be sleeping in it alone, yet again.

[Sigh]

But the good news is that this same former non-boyfriend is taking me on a trip to D1sney in November! He won an award at work and the trip is his reward. I was very happy when he asked me to go with him. I had to juggle some commitments at work to be able to go, but it all worked out.

To be honest, I probably would have been pretty devastated had he asked one of his other non-girlfriends to go with him, although I didn't tell him that. I told him that I would of course be honoured/excited if he asked me to go, but that if he chose to take someone else that I wouldn't be mad at him or hate him. I did tell him that I'd be disappointed, but it wouldn't be an end to our friendship or anything.

I was trying to play the "all cool" card, but that's often gotten me into trouble in the past as it sometimes appears that I don't care (when I really do). I wanted him to know that I did care, but I didn't want him to take me simply out of a sense of obligation or because he was worried that I'd be mad at him if he didn't. I wanted him to take me because he wanted to share this experience with me and nobody else.

But I know that the person he really wanted to share it with is the same person who still has a stranglehold on his heart. And that person isn't me.

Square One

2006-09-07T21:19:00.000-04:00

I'm having a feeling of deja vu. Here I am, another race season behind me and September in front of me and I'm STILL at virtually the EXACT. SAME. WEIGHT. I was last year. Grrr.

I hate having to get back on the weight-loss bandwagon every fall. Every fall I tell myself that this year will be different. And to be honest, I did pretty well last fall, managing to shed a fair amount of weight, getting down to a new alltime low of 164 pounds.

But after another season of training for/racing triathlon, I'm right back where I was this time last year: 172 pounds. [sigh]

That said, I do know that my body composition has changed somewhat and that I am "thinner" than I was this time last year - I can see it in my face. And to be honest, I'm actually about 3-4 pounds lighter than I was this time last year. Not a major difference, but lighter none the less.

In the scheme of things, I'm not entirely unhappy with the way my body is right now. But that doesn't mean that I'm not still motivated to make some changes.

I've cut out a lot of junk food this week (except that I caved today and had an ice cream bar at break because our department was celebrating the achievements of some of the staff). But I'm still really, really hungry all the time as my body is still recovering from my race and is craving certain things and wants more volume of food. I know that if I just hold tight for a week or two things will be back to normal in no time.

I started back running again this week. Actually, I went for a 20-min run last Friday, followed by a 70-min run on Sunday and another 38 minutes last night. And I made an appearance at the gym on Tuesday for some elliptical and weights. I'm feeling pretty good (except for the fact that my biceps, shoulders and abs are BURNING IN PAIN now). I've signed up for another race in November (half marathon) so that will give me something to train for and look forward to. I just hope I've recovered enough to start back into training.

The Big Weight-Loss Lie

I've come to the realization that the scales lie and that burning more calories than you consume does not necessarily result in weight loss. Also, that if you see a 1-pound loss on the scales that it does not necessarily mean that you burned 3,500 more calories than you consumed. I've discovered this, you see, as I've seen my body weight fluctuate from 169 to 174 within a 2- to 3-day period. There is NO WAY that my calorie intake/expenditure has manifested itself in such rapid (and random) body weight fluctuations. And I don't blame it on the scales or on variations in the time of day that I weigh myself. I weigh myself unclothed daily and can sometimes see fluctuations of two pounds from one day to the next. So what gives?

The conclusion I've come to is that there are far more things going on in our bodies on a daily basis that affects how much we actually "weigh". And I'm trying not to stress myself out over those fluctuations. Likely, it's nothing more than water retention/expulsion that is causing the fluctuations. What I'm looking for now is a downward trend as opposed to a lower weight day after day. For people who are also increasing their level of physical activity, they're also building muscle mass and bone density, which can sometimes appear as a weight gain (even though they may be losing fat).

So, I'm still journalling my food (to keep me honest so that junk food and poor snack choices are more the exception than the rule) and weighing myself daily, but I'm not going to stress myself out over every little fluctuation in body weight. The key word here is: "trend". That's what I'm looking for, a downward trend. And smaller clothing sizes.

The other part of this lie is that the rate at which we burn calories does not stay constant. Calculating (or even estimating) calorie expediture is nearly impossible, even with expensive testing. The thing is, I know from personal experience that when I am training for a distance event like a marathon or long-distance triathlon that I have no chance at all of losing weight. I believe that my metabolism goes into conservation mode and holds onto all its fat, rather than using it as fuel. I think cortisol (the stress hormone) might have a role to play in that, but I have to research that a bit further.

I really wish that someone could tell me exactly how much I should eat and in what fat/pro/carb ratio so that I can lose my excess fat weight and keep it off. It's not that I'm not willing to exercise and eat well - it's just that everything I know how to do doesn't seem to be yielding results, so something must be off.

Bah! Enough about food and weight loss! I wanna just live my life and have some fun. Things I'm looking forward to this fall:

- Getting my condo in shape and building storage and an office space so that I'm not surrounded by boxes upstairs anymore.

- Socializing with friends and drinking some really good wine and hosting dinner parties at my place.

- Maybe even going on a date (or two or three), although I'm not holding my breath on that one.

[Actually, I should explain: I'm still really close friends with the guy I was seeing back in the spring, but we both decided that we wanted different things (meaning: I wanted an exclusive relationship and he did not) so we ended that aspect of our relationship. But I honestly think we are closer than ever and care very deeply about each other. He's the last person I talk to before bed every night. It's going to be hard for me to date anyone else so long as the two of us are still such close friends, but I guess we'll deal with that if and when the time comes. One of the most positive things that came out of our brief encounter was the fact that I am now more optimistic than ever about my prospects of finding the partnership/relationship that I want.]

I'm tired now, so I'm going to end this. Night, all.

La's Ironman Canada Race Report

2006-09-03T11:00:00.000-04:00

People often ask me, “What do you think about for 15+ hours while you’re out there during the race. To be honest, I was mostly thinking about what I would write in this report. I’d tell myself, “Oh, remember to write about this part in your report.” So here it is, the report that was 15 hours (and many months) in the making.

In some ways, the second time around is harder – harder to stay focused through training, but also harder on race day because you remember how much pain you’re going to feel. But in other ways, it’s so much easier – easier to make it through the tough times because you know you can do it. And you know that any pain is worth the feeling of crossing that finish line.

The week leading up to the race was very relaxed. My hotel was right across the street from the beach and less than 1K from where the finish line would be. One of the benefits of having done this before was that I wasn’t stressed by all the pre-race preparations since I’d “been there, done that” three years ago. On the Friday before the race I went for a drive along the bike course. Penticton has a single-loop bike course (as opposed to two loops in Lake Placid and three or more loops on many other courses). The countryside in the Okanagan Valley is spectacular! There were vineyards, orchards and horse farms all along the way. I also got a chance to see the challenging course that I would be riding on Sunday. The climb up through Richer Pass was definitely going to be a challenge, but did not appear to be impossible. And the climb to Yellow Lake seemed to be over before it even began – in the car, that is.

I had tons of friends out in BC – either as competitors or spectators. The friends who were staying at my hotel nicknamed themselves “Team Candy Ass” since they were not racing (although Emma and Lynn are previous Ironman finishers themselves). It was great to see people I knew almost everywhere I went. Penticton is a small city, so you’re always bumping into people. I had two friends from Vancouver (Melly & Craig), one old high school friend, Allison, plus tons of friends from the Toronto Triathlon Club – Neil, Jacob, Jen, Chris, Dave, Ed, Heather – plus Kathryn and Leslie, two friends from my neighbourhood. My mum and my friend, Leo, were also there to support me and cheer me on.

I tried as much as possible in the days leading up to the race to stay on “Toronto Time”, so that I wouldn’t have a hard time getting up early on race day. I was in bed by 9PM most nights and always up by 6AM, so when my alarm went off at 4:20AM race morning, I was actually already awake. I had some breakfast and then just waited until it was time to leave. I had prepped everything the night before (all my transition and special needs bags), so all I had to do was walk over to the site and put my last-minute things in place. Things always take longer on race morning than you expect as there are lineups for everything, so I was getting a little stressed by the length of the port-o-potty lineup I was in. In the end, I had plenty of time. I gave Kathryn and Leslie hugs for good luck and made my way down to the beach.

Walking through the archway leading to the beach, I started to get a little teary. It was all I could do to hold back my tears and not break down. It was all very emotional. Once I made it to the beach, I spotted Team Candy Ass by the fence so I went over to say Hi. They were all dressed up with these red/silver metallic wigs and had huge signs for me, Neil, Jacob and Ed. My sign had my head on the body of Ursula Andress (a Bond Girl from the ‘60s) that read, “Lesley as The Bond Girl” (in honour of the occupation I listed on my race entry form). I posed for some photos with my sign and said farewell to my cheering section and headed to the water’s edge.

My goggles were fogging before the race even started, so I was fiddling around with them trying to clear them when one of the lenses popped out! OMG – the race is less than 5 minutes from starting and I’m missing a lens in my Seal Mask! I didn’t panic and just calmly worked the lens back into the frame of the goggles.

The countdown began and then the cannon went off! BOOM! 2,350 competitors entered the water. I positioned myself a bit to the left and sort of in the middle of the pack. It was a bit crowded at first, but I swam a line about 25m off the buoy line, so it wasn’t as crowded over there. Some woman swam right over me (my butt/legs), so I kicked her. I mean, c’mon! If someone is in your way (i.e., in FRONT of you), then you should go around them, not over top of them. Making the turn at the first houseboat was a bit crowded (1600m and my watch said 30:45), as was the next 450m to the next turn (39:xx). After making that turn, the sun was right in my eyes, so I couldn’t see where I should be swimming. I just followed the pack and hoped they were going in the right direction. Eventually, I spotted a landmark that I could sight off – a large construction crane that was right at the beach. That really helped. I fought the urge to look at my watch after that. I told myself that it wasn’t important. As I got to the beach, the crowd had moved into the water and were standing there thigh-deep cheering us all on. I glanced at my watch as I stood up: 1:20:xx!! Woo hoo!! Goal #1 on the day was met! I figured I sacrificed some time by swimming an outside line that would be less crowded and I was OK with that.

Transition went well. I went to two male strippers (how bad does that sound!!) and my wetsuit was off in no time – they even helped me up off the ground. I grabbed my bag and ran into the tent. It was really packed, but I managed to find a chair. I changed everything so that I’d be starting the bike in nice dry clothes. I put some of my own sunscreen on (it burned on my face) but then got one of the volunteers to spray some onto the backs of my arms/shoulders since I couldn’t really reach there. I grabbed my bike and was off. I forgot to hit the split on my watch until I was already on my way up Main St., so I wasn’t sure how long I’d been in transition.

The crowds on Main St. were at least six people deep! It was like being a the Tour! I spotted Leo who took a photo of me as I went by. Then I heard another friend call my name and I gave a wave to her. Next thing I knew, I was making the turn onto South Main with a nice gradual downhill and a tailwind. The scenery here is gorgeous – breathtaking, actually. I brought a single-use camera so that I could capture some of the beauty (photos to follow). The first challenge on the bike came at about the 15K mark with a 1K climb upMcLean Creek Road. I had seen the climb during my drive on Friday and wasn’t worried about it. It wasn’t unlike the climbs I’ve done here at home. Neil passed me at the beginning of the climb. The crowds started to get thick again as we came into Okanagan Falls (OK Falls). The next 40K or so through Oliver down to Osoyoos was flat to downhill, so my average speed really picked up. At this point, Ed passed me. I did stop once along here to use the “spa” while a volunteer held my bike for me (they were all soooooo nice and helpful). By the time I made it to Osoyoos my average pace for the first 67K was 29kph. That’s just unheard of for me. But then the climb to Richer Pass was ahead of me and I knew my pace would begin to decline from there.

Richter was just as tough (and beautiful) as I thought it would be. It was stinking hot, too. I had been leapfrogging with this man named Marty along the way from OK Falls to Osoyoos. When I passed him on the climb to Richer, I said, “You’re not going to let a girl pass you on this climb, are you??” We both just laughed. The crowd support along here was great. The weird thing was that the aid station was not at the top of the hill, but part way up the final climb. I thought that if I stopped to refill my bottle here that I wouldn’t be able to get going again, so I grabbed a bottle of water and held onto it for the last climb. I then pulled over and refilled my bottle. I was pretty wiped when I got to the top, so I didn’t fully enjoy the descent that followed. This climb is followed by a series of what they call “rollers”, but I would say that they’re fairly significant climbs themselves. I passed the 90K mark in 3:35 and was feeling quite good. As expected, I was passed by several people during the bike course, but I lost count at how many people (men and women) commented on how much they liked my orange flowered jersey. At the 100K mark, this guy passed me and said, “Looking good” (or something to that effect) and then we both realized that we knew each other – it was my friend Brian’s friend, Tim, whom I’d met during a training ride in the Gatineaus back in May.

The next stretch of the course (aka, The Out and Back) was brutal, but mostly mentally. I knew that the Special Needs area would be here and that it would be at the 120K point. But this section was hot and hilly, both of which I hate. The good thing was that after all the climbing on the way in, it was mostly downhill on the way back out. At this point, I also started to have some stomach issues as well as some major chaffing in the creases of my legs that made every pedal stroke painful. I really wanted this bike ride to be over.

There’s a fairly flat section leading up to the climb to Yellow Lake, which starts at the 143K mark. I still had some liquid with me on the bike, but it was warm and salty and the last thing I wanted to drink. I saw Team Candy Ass along here and that helped to pick up my spirits, if only for a short time. The climb was brutal – mostly because of the heat and the fact that I was just exhausted. Kathryn passed me somewhere along this climb. I couldn’t drink on the climb and my eyes and mouth were full of salt and sweat. By the time I got to the aid station at the top, all I could say (yell, actually) was WATER!! I guzzled half a 700mL bottle at once and then grabbed another to put on my bike. I knew that there was maybe one more little climb before I began the descent into town. I was struggling a bit along here when I saw my friend Jennifer from Edmonton with her sign that said, “How Badly Do You Want It?” Well, that was exactly what I needed to see. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and just pressed on for the final 20K. The descent was great, but VERY windy, so I had to ride the brakes most of the way. I still managed to get up to 69kph, though. Luckily, it wasn’t too crowded on the course at this point, so I had a clear shot at the descent. Cars were not a factor, either.

As I was approaching the end of the descent I spotted my friend Chris. I was surprised that I was able to catch him as he’s a much faster cyclist that I am. He eventually caught back up to me and we rode side-by-side for a bit while he told me that he’d been having trouble with his tires all day and had a severe wobble at speeds over 40kph, so he had to hold back the entire race. That really sucked for him.

The ride back into town was great – all downhill with lots of cheering fans. I heard a runner call my name, but I wasn’t sure who it was (I later learned it was Dave from the Club). I saw Kathryn heading out on the run just as I was getting off my bike and we said Hi to each other. I hit the split on my watch and it was 7:36-something, but since I hadn’t hit my swim/bike split right away, I knew that it was off by a bit. My official bike split was 7:38:20. That was 49 minutes faster than Lake Placid. Woo!

T2 was uneventful. A volunteer came over to help, but I told her that I was fine and didn’t want my stuff dumped out of my bag. I grabbed my Fuel Belt, but it felt very tight around my stomach and was quite uncomfortable. I started my 7:3 intervals on my watch and began to run. Well, my body would have none of that, so I started walking right away. The course starts with an out-and-back along Lakeshore Drive, right past my hotel. I knew that my mum and Leo would be there, and they were. I gave my mum a big hug and said that I’d see her again in about 6 hours (when we had to do the same out-and-back before crossing the finish line). Leo ran with me for a bit, then Chris caught up to me and we ran/walked a bit together. I needed to walk, so Chris continued on, but I could always see him in the distance as he wasn’t moving very quickly.

My stomach still did not feel good. I tried using the “spa” at about the 2-mile mark, but I didn’t get any relief. You know the old limerick:

Here I sit, broken hearted
Paid my dime and only […]

You can fill in the blank.

I visited several “spas” along the way, all with the same lack of results. This was the major reason why I was reduced to a walk in the first half of the marathon. Every time I tried to run the gas in my intestines started to hurt. My pecs and abs were also sore, so running was hard on those, too.

I decided to dump my Fuel Belt early on when I saw my friends Sara and Colleen (from Edmonton) at about the 3-mile mark. I took what I thought I needed from my pack and decided to rely on the aid stations for everything else. It was a risky move (I’d never run without my own “stuff” before), but I took a chance. I got through on grapes, pretzels, Gatorade, Pepsi, ice and chicken soup. Actually, it was the Pepsi that ended up being the best thing, especially towards the end. Can’t go wrong with sugar and caffeine, eh?

About an hour into the run/walk, I met up with my old “pal”, Marty, again. We walked together for quite a while – almost to the turnaround. We were going at a good clip (we were “walking with aggression” as Lisa Bentley would say), so we actually caught and passed Chris at one of the aid stations. Marty was a 64-year old from North Van doing his first IM. Walking and chatting with him was a nice distraction. Eventually we parted ways when I said that I wanted to try running a bit (he couldn’t as he had an injured knee).

The nice thing about an out-and-back marathon is that you get to see all your friends – regardless of who is in ahead/behind. Before my turnaround, I saw Craig, Melly, Neil, Ed and Kathryn. After the turnaround I saw Chris, Leslie and then Jen. I was glad that Leslie and Jen had made it off their bikes as I hadn’t seen them all day.

There’s a fairly long downhill leading to the special needs area at the turnaround, so I decided to try running. It felt pretty good. I grabbed my bag and took a few things out, but mostly dumped everything else. The little bottles of Scope that I had put in both mybike and run special needs bags were really great as I was starting to feel like my teeth and tongue had sweaters on them from all the sugary stuff I’d been eating. I also grabbed my headlamp, but it wouldn’t fit on my head with my hat, so I wrapped it around my wrist and carried it. It ended up being a godsend out there in the dark, that’s for sure.

I saw that my time at the turnaround was 3:25 (or so) and I thought to myself that there’s NO WAY I’m going to walk the rest of this marathon and post a 7+ hour time. No way! So I figured I better start running some. The other benefit of having done this before was that I remember from Lake Placid in ’03 that when I finally did run the last mile or so into the finish, it didn’t hurt as much and was much easier than I expected. At the time, I thought if I had known that, I would have started running sooner! I kept that in mind as I began to run. And sure enough, it really did feel better to run than to walk. The only thing keeping me from running earlier was my stomach, but by the half-way point that really felt better, so I was able.

When I got to the top of the climb that I had run down before the turnaround, I spotted my friends Jennifer and Jordan (from Edmonton) on their bikes. They stayed with me for quite a while until it got dark and they had to ride back. It was great to have some company along the way. I was also able to start running again at this point. At first, I just ran the downhills. Then, I ran some of the flats. I wasn’t running by any prescribed intervals, just running when I felt I could and walking when I couldn’t run anymore. I was determined to run the final 3 miles into town since it was a nice gradual downhill.

Someone commented to me when I was power-walking that I looked like a school teacher who was marching out to the schoolyard to discipline some children! Quite the description! But mostly the comments from people were about how good a pace I was running. In the second half of the marathon I passed so many people that I lost count. When I was running, I might have actually been doing 10:30 or so per mile. I was trying really hard to do some math to figure out if I could make my 15:30 goal time and by my feeble calculations, I knew that it was possible, but only if I ran much more than I walked, so I kept that in mind.

I spotted Sara and Colleen again at the 23-mile mark, so I grabbed my Fuel Belt from them and continued on my way. I did have to take a couple of walk breaks along that stretch, but I always set a limit like a cross-walk or a light post where I’d start running again.

The final run down Main St. and Lakeshore Drive was great. I could hear the finish line announcer in the distance and that really got me going. I took one final walk break before hitting Lakeshore where I knew that Leo and my mum would be. I saw Leo first and he ran with me until we got to where my mum was sitting. She was surprised to see me so early! I gave her a big hug and a kiss and dropped off my Fuel Belt, glow stick and flashlight with her. Leo ran the last stretch with me and then left me just before the finishing chute. There was a man a few feet in front of me and Leo said, “You’re going to have to pass this guy or let him go, otherwise you’ll ruin your finish line photo.” I let him go as he was running at a good clip. As I was in the final stretch, there were two women walking in font of me, so I blew past both of them and had the finish line all to myself! All I remember the announcer saying was “Lesley T of Toronto – who lists her occupation as Bond Girl”. Sadly, I don’t remember the song that was playing.

Final time: 15:32:32! My run was 6:13, which was only 4 minutes faster than Lake Placid, but faster is faster, so I’ll take it. Overall, I was almost a full hour faster (59:45) than my first IM, so I was very happy about that.

I got my medal, T-Shirt and finisher’s hat. My “catchers” took me into the food tent and I got two slices of pizza. They offered me fruit and some other things, but I said that I’d had enough of that stuff out on the course – I wanted REAL food.

Although I would have liked to stay to see my other friends finish (Chris, Leslie and Jen were still behind me), I just couldn’t stand or sit any longer – I needed to be horizontal. Leo walked me back to the hotel and then went back to watch the finish and try to find Jen, who was still out there somewhere.

Final stats:

Swim: 1:20:52 (87/146 in AG W40-44, 1540/2352 overall), pace: 2:08/100m
T1: 9:23
Bike: 7:38:20 (124/146, 2144/2352)
T2: 10:33
Run: 6:13:26 (109/146, 1751/2352)
Total: 15:32:32 (117/149 in W40-44 age group, 1949/2352 overall, 10/12 in Athena 40+ category, 19/26 in Athenas Overall)

Although I don’t place a lot of stock in AG rankings, I thought it was interesting that I placed higher in the run than the bike! I never think of running as my strong suit, so I expected that I’d place higher in the bike, but that wasn’t the case. And my Athena ranking wasn’t that great, but it doesn’t really matter.

Overall, it was a great experience. The OK Valley is GORGEOUS and I could certainly see myself doing this race again in the future (but not next year).

At the Awards Banquet on Monday they showed the race video. Thanks to Team Candy Ass, I made it onto the video posing with my Bond Girl poster before the swim start. Emma and Lynn also made it on with their wigs, costumes and signs. Neil even made the cut as they interviewed him while he was climbing Richer Pass!

To anyone thinking that they’d like to attempt this challenge themselves in the future, I say: GO FOR IT! You will not be disappointed.

I’m going to end this awfully long report with my overall thoughts on this accomplishment and try to put things into perspective for myself. After my first IM in Lake Placid I was quite emotional at the finish, but also a little bit let down. As I was sitting in the change tent all alone I had this feeling of “Is that all there is?” This time, I didn’t have the same feeling. I guess the difference was that in my first race I perhaps expected something magical and special from Ironman that I just never found. I didn’t have that same expectation this time around. I realized that it’s fine to have a goal – even really big goals like this one – but that the true meaning comes in the weeks and months of training FOR the goal, rather than in achieving the goal itself. I’m not sure how else to describe it. Yes, I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished, but it’s not something that anyone with the appropriate training and dedication couldn’t do. I don’t consider myself “changed” or “special” in any way – which is what I expected the first time and was let down when I didn’t feel it. In the days leading up to the race everyone was parading around town in their T-Shirts advertising which races they had done. They wore them like badges of honour, almost. I deliberately went the other way and wore nothing other than my one Cervelo T and a couple of my run club Ts. Other than the participant’s wrist band (and my tattoo) there was nothing about me that would suggest that I was a competitor in this race (in fact, they often mistook Leo for the competitor and me for his support crew, instead of the other way around). I guess I’m saying this because I kind of feel a little bit like Dorothy at the end of The Wizard of Oz when Glinda says to her, “You’ve had the power all along.” And that’s very true – Ironman did not make me who I am, I already was that person and Ironman just confirmed it. So, whether your dream is Ironman, Kona, Boston or your first 5K or try-a-tri, know that you already ARE that person – achieving those other goals will only serve as external validation. Be proud of yourself, wherever you are in your journey.

Swim, Bike, Run, WOO!

2006-08-29T21:43:00.000-04:00

I'm back. Full report to follow. The short story is:

Swim 1:20
Bike: 7:38
Run: 6:13
Final: 15:32:32

Most goals met! I had an awesome time racing, as tough as it was. Took 55 minutes of my Lake Placid time in '03.

Time to rest now...

Penticton Bound!

2006-08-21T10:12:00.000-04:00

Well, kids, I'm off to Penticton, BC (via Kelowna, BC) tomorrow morning. The day I have been training for the last 6+ months is less than a week away. Next Sunday, August 27th at 7AM PDT I'll be at the starting line with 2500 other people getting ready to swim 3.8K (2.4 miles), bike 180K (112 miles) and run 42.2K (26.2 miles). Yes, this is the Ironman.

I had lofty goals at the beginning of the year that I'd be able to take 90 minutes off my time at Lake Placid in 2003 and finish in 15 hours. I'm not 100% confident that I can do that, but I do know that (elements willing) I'll be able to do better than last time.

Goal #1: 16:59:59 (i.e., make the midnight cutoff)
Goal #2: 16:32:00 (faster than last time)
Goal #3: Sub-16 hours
Goal #4: Sub-15:30
Goal #5a: Swim sub-1:20
Goal #5b: Bike sub-8:00
Goal #5c: Run sub-6:00
The Stars Align Goal: Sub-15:00

All I have left to do before I leave is:

1. Pack. Well, all my stuff is IN my suitcase (piled up), I just have to arrange it properly so that it all fits.
2. Clean house. My kitchen and bathrooms are in desperate need.
3. Go for an easy swim (only 20-30 minutes at the pool across the street).
4. Chill out!

My flight is at 8:10AM tomorrow. I fly to Kelowna then get my rental car and drive 45 minutes south to Penticton. I can't wait!! With the time change, I'll get in around 10AM their time. Since on race day I'll be getting up at 4AM, I don't want to get off Eastern time too much in the five days before the race, so it will be early to bed and early to rise all week.

Catch you all on the flip side! Full report to follow some time next week.

Oops!

2006-07-13T17:16:00.000-04:00

Sorry, I guess I've been gone for a while. Still loving the condo. Broke up with the guy, but we're still the best of friends (really!). Training like CRAZY for Ironman (less than 7 weeks to go!). So, I don't really have much time to write.

This weekend, I'll be going on a 6-hour bike ride followed by a 1-hour run/walk. Did 5:45/0:35 last weekend. I'm pretty zonked. I'm training about 12-14 hours per week right now.

Weight is OK - hovering around 170-172, which is up about 5 pounds from my lowest weight ever, but still within a good range for me (for now). Will probably get serious about it again in the fall.

La, out!

Yes, I'm still alive

2006-04-19T22:32:00.000-04:00

Ack! Whou would have thought that moving and training for Ironman would keep me so damned busy! I barely have time to check e-mail, let alone post a journal entry. Oh, well...

Training is going OK. I still have not been on my bike as often (or for as long) as I'd like. I really feel like I'm behind the eight ball. Sigh. Running is fine and so is swimming. In fact, I'm doing a 5,000m swim this weekend for the Arthritis Society! That's 200 lengths of a 25m pool! Yikes! The longest distance I've ever swam was 3,800m and that was nearly 3 years ago. On Tuesday, I did swim 3,500m, so I'm close. I guess I'll have to do the final 1,500m on guts, determination and adrenaline! There's a bit of a hiccup in the actual event (I might have to go tomorrow night instead of Saturday night as planned - their mix-up). I hope to get it sorted out tomorrow.

The condo is great. I'm still trying to find "homes" for things and storage is a real issue. I have lots of space, but no actual storage, so I'm going to build some, but these things take time. I've been living here for 4 weeks now (4 weeks today, in fact!) and it really feels like home now. When I went to my old apartment last week to pick up the last bit of junk the landlord was there working on the apartment. He said, "I guess you're going to feel nostalgic for this place." My reply was, "No, I will never feel nostalgia for this place," then mumbled under my breath, "And I can't wait to get the hell out of this hole!" Ciao! Au revoir! Auf wiedersehn!

Weight-wise - I'm up a few pounds. I gained back about 5 pounds, mostly through just not paying attention and eating whatever the hell I wanted to eat. It's not the end of the world, but it's just not where I want to be. I'm back to logging my food now, so I hope that will help.

I'm going to my 25-year high school reunion in a couple of weeks. That should be a treat! Since I went to an all-girls school, likely it will be lots of talk of husbands and children. I have nothing to contribute to that conversation, so maybe I'll just drink. But it will be nice to catch up with friends whom I've lost touch with (could care less about most of them, but there are a few that I kind of miss).

That's all the updates I have for now. Hopefully I'll be able to post more regularly.

It's been a long time!

2006-03-31T18:59:00.000-05:00

Well, I finally managed to dig my computer and modum out of the pile of boxes in by bedroom and get back on-line. It's been over a week (10 days, in fact) since I moved, so I thought it was about time.

The move took much longer than expected due to an old, lame mover guy (the other young guy did all the work). Anyway, I'm here now (the only one in the whole building, actually) and it's starting to feel like home.

I had a great race last Sunday: 30K in 3:14:50, 10 second ahead of my goal and a full three minutes faster than when I did this race back in 2004. Yea! So this has been a recovery week.

The bad thing about recovery weeks is that my appetite still thinks I'm training as hard as I was before, but I am sitting on my ass most of the time, so the pounds have started to creep back on. It's only about 4-5 pounds from my lowest weight ever, but that's 2-3 more than I am am really comfortable with. So, back to the good eating and hard workouts next week.

That's all the time I have to update. Things are still good with my "friend". More later...

I've got keys!!

2006-03-15T17:43:00.000-05:00

OK, it's official now - I have my keys! I am a homeowner! Yea!!

They still have to do some work on my place, but it will be all ready for me to move in next Wednesday.

Time to run now...

Finally moving!!!

2006-03-14T20:43:00.000-05:00

Yea!! The day is finally near!!

I got a call from my lawyer last Monday saying that I would be taking possession on Wednesday, March 15th (um, thanks for the nine days notice!). I did my home inspection yesterday and I get my keys tomorrow! Yea!!

Here are a couple of photos:

The Living Room Window

The Kitchen (minus the range hood microwave yet to be installed)

The other side of the kitchen

Upstairs bedroom/loft

Food/exercise have been going well. I'm "tapering" for my race on the 26th. I'm going to Montreal to party this weekend (yea!). I'm up a pound or two from my lowest weight ever (yesterday 164.8, today 165.4).

Dating's been going well! We have a great time together and we're keeping it light for now, which is good. Not getting much sleep, though. I just feel really comfortable with him and things are very easy between us. I'm enjoying getting to know him in ways I never have before, even though we've technically known each other for seven years! Crazy!

Getting to the source

2006-03-07T17:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I think I've isolated the source of my back pain - my bike saddle! I've had this nagging pain around the tailbone for the last couple of weeks that culminated in the run from hell two weeks ago.

I went to physio and J said that it was likely that I had strained the ligaments in that area. We were trying to figure out how that might have happened and I suspected that it might be my bike since that was the only new thing in the equation physically.

Well, last night I did a 60-min bike workout and I discovered where it is that is putting tension on those ligaments - when I sit up straight. Normally, I'm leaning over in the aero position, but when I'm doing one-legged drills (especially) I am sitting very upright and it puts a strain on my sacrum. So, I'm going to try adjusting the seat slightly to see if that helps. Unfortunately making it more comfortable for sitting up makes it less comfortable when in aero, so it's a bit of a tradeoff. And I hope to spend more time in aero while cycling that sitting upright, so I'll have to see.

If all else fails, I'll just have to look into getting a new saddle. But man, are they expensive! Usually over $100! More, if it's a really good one.

OK, so I'm on my way out the door to go to my run clinic, so that's it for now.

Long time no see!

2006-03-05T18:54:00.000-05:00

Oops! Goodness, it's been a while since I've written! What's been going on with me, you ask?

Well, first - the Olympics. I was totally engrossed in the Olympics for three weeks and every spare moment of time was spent watching as many events as possible on TV. And when I wasn't watching Olympics, I was talking on the phone with friends about the Olympics. Phew! Now that they're over, I've got some sense of normalcy in my life.

Workout-wise, it's been pretty good. I've done 95% of my workouts and 100% of my runs. I had a rough run last Sunday (24.5K in 3:07) with horrible lower back pain, so I was a bit worried about my planned 27K run yesterday. Since I had to run alone this week, I made a last-minute decision to run for time (3hrs) rather than distance. I also played it safe by doing two 45-min out-and-back routes so that I wouldn't ever be too far from home. It was a good thing, because at the end of the first loop (90 minutes), I had to pee SO BADLY, I was glad that I could run into my apartment before heading out for my second lap. The second lap was different that the first, but again I just ran out for 45 minutes and then back home. I was very happy with my run, even though I didn't cover the 27K I had hoped (it was only 25.5K). I took today off as I had to work at a booth at the Bike Show to promote the Tri Club my friends and I are organizing.

Food-wise, things are going OK. I've stopped logging my food on Nutridiary, so I guess my weight is the best gauge. I think I forgot to report that I had a new lowest weight ever of 164.6 on February 27, which was a big milestone for me. My weight always seems to fluctuate up and down by a few pounds every day and I often see a few days of gain after a new low weight, so I'm kind of using my upper range as the gauge of my progess. Lately, I've been topping out at 167, whereas a few months ago, my high end was around 170, so it's all good.

Dating-wise, I think I mentioned that I had been communicating with two different guys. Well, one has fallen by the wayside as it seems that he is dating someone else. Bygones. But the other one has really developed into something good. We're great friends and everything between us is based on mutual respect, friendship and - most importantly - honesty. I have never been involved in a relationship with anyone that was so honest. It's very refreshing. I've had a bit of a personal renaissance (thanks, J, for that word) and I really like where I am now. This guy certainly isn't the love of my life and he's been clear that he's not looking for anything long-term right now, but we're enjoying ourselves. So, for now, it's all good.

I don't have any major plans for the week, just the usual workout stuff.

Is it Friday yet?

2006-02-23T21:26:00.000-05:00

Not quite yet...

It's been a really boring week at work and I've been doing all I can do to keep busy. I've got a little more to do over the next couple of days, but things are definitely slow.

The downside to that is that it gives me far too much time to think. And it's never good when I spend too much time thinking. I have this way of talking myself in or out of things too easily. When I'm spending too much time in my head, bad things can happen.

I'm still communicating with a couple of guys, both of them very different, both of whom I care very deeply for, both for very different reasons. These are actually guys I know in real life - not on-line dates or anything. And it's not even like I'm really trying to decide between them because one of them isn't really in a place where he's ready to be in a relationship as he's in the process of ending one and definitely needs time to figure things out. The other guy is ready, willing and able, but I'm just approaching that one with caution because I don't know if I can really see myself with him as a romantic partner. We're compatible on some levels, but on others we are just not on the same page. Argh.

And as a result of my communication with the two of them, I haven't been following up with the guys who've e-mailed me from POF. They seem nice enough, but I don't know if I have the energy to devote to communicating with any more guys right now. It's confusing enough trying to deal with my conflicting feelings for two guys, let alone adding any more into the mix.

The thing I've realized is that, as flattering as it is to have two guys paying all this attention to me, I really am a "one man gal". Having more than one person in my life is just far too confusing for me.

***

Workout-wise, it's been a pretty good week. I made it to the gym on Monday morning. On Tuesday, I did 10x100m strides as a speed workout. Last night, I ran with my club and we did a 7.8K route and I managed a pace of below 6 min/km, and that's even with two stop lights where I didn't stop my watch. Today was my rest day and tomorrow I'll head back to the gym. The plan for Saturday is to go to Mega Training Day again (3-hour bike ride, 75-min yoga, 90-min swim). On Sunday, I have to do a 25K run, so I can't go too hard on Saturday.

Food-wise, it's been OK. I haven't eaten too much junk, but I was probably a bit high on calories a few days. I was up a couple of pounds this week, so I have to keep that in check. And I might have to go back to journaling my food if my weight doesn't go back to where it was.

It's interesting, because at the beginning of this weight loss phase I used to get obsessive about weighing myself every day and journaling every morsel of food I put in my mouth. And the result was weight-loss, but I didn't always like the way I felt about myself because of that borderline obsessive behaviour. Now, I'm hardly journaling at all, yet still weighing myself daily, and I'm not feeling as obsessive. I actually feel quite happy about where I am, regardless of what the scales say. The harsh reality is that I haven't been losing weight as consistently as I had been in the past. I've kind of hit a plateau. I think I might just have to maintain, though, for the next four weeks until my race is over. Since my mileage is starting to get up there, dieting is starting to get a bit hard. So, I'll stay where I am for now and hope not to re-gain any weight.

So, THAT's what it looks like!!

2006-02-19T20:56:00.000-05:00

I just got home from seeing an exhibit at the Science Centre called Bodyworlds 2. It's an exhibit of human bodies, body parts and organs that have been preserved through plasticization.

It was a fascinating exhibit and interesting to see all the muscles, tendons and nerves that I am oh so aware of during a long run or bike ride. Damned piriformis!! There you are, you devil, you! How the heck am I supposed to stretch out something that's so far inside my freaking butt?? Oh, sciatic nerve... you're a nasty little bugger! Don't laugh, hamstrings & iliotibial band! I saw you both, too!

I tried not to look at their faces as that kind of freaked me out a bit - made me realize that these are real human bodies - people! - who had been preserved. I'm not being very eloquent in my description of this exhibit because the word fascinating is the only one I can come up with.

As an athlete, I found it quite helpful to be able to "see" the parts of my body that give me trouble. Being able to visualize my problem areas makes it a bit easier to deal with them.

***

I talked with my friend LT on the phone for almost 90 minutes today. This is the friend from my run club that I've gotten to know a bit better recently. I'm still not sure if I have any kind of romantic feelings toward him, but we had a good conversation. Most of it was superficial talk about Olympics and such, but the reason he actually called me was because of something I had said to him in an e-mail on Friday that worried him.

I shared with him a parable about a frog. Apparently, if you boil water and throw a frog in it will leap out on instinct of self-preservation. But if you put a frog in cold water and then turn up the heat, the frog won't ever jump out and eventually boil to death. I told him that I am like the frog. He got a little freaked out about this story because he's quite sensitive, especially where animals are concerned. All he could think about was this poor frog, boiled to death.

I reassured him that it was a parable and that it was meant to be read symbolically, not literally. Anyway, what I was trying to tell him is that if he (or anyone) pushes me too far or turns up the heat too quickly, I will jump out of the pot and hide under a rock.

AND, I'm still not even sure if he is someone I even want to get into hot water with!

Saturday

2006-02-18T19:34:00.000-05:00

It was bitterly cold this morning. -11C with a wind chill of -25. Brrr! Of course, I had a group run planned for this morning. Of course! Grrr (brrr).

I set my alarm for 5AM because I wanted to watch the men's Super G on TV. I draged my ass outa bed, turned on the TV and lay on the couch. After 17 skiers, the Canadian guys were sitting 2nd and 3rd. Rock on! There were still some big names to come, but still. Anyway, they ended up postponing the race because of weather and decided to re-start it a few hours later. So, my 5AM wake-up was totally wasted as I had to leave at 8AM and the race hadn't started yet. Grrr.

We left the city at 8AM to drive out to Burlington to run. The wind was howling, so I was not optimistic about the warmth of the clothes I had selected. It was quite cold at the beginning. I had to pull my fingers out of my gloves and hold them in a fist inside the palm of the glove to keep them warm. But as soon as we got onto the winding road in a residential neighbourhood, the wind disappeared and it was lovely. The sun was shining and I was dressed perfectly.

We ran just over 23K and it took us 2:35. The last 7K were hard because it started to get windy again and I also was feeling some weird back pain. It was like a side stitch, but it was in my back. It eventually went away, but it was quite painful at the time. By then, my left leg was also bugging me as my hamstrings had started to seize up in the cold. I'm feeling OK now, but it's still a bit tender.

I spent the rest of the day vegging on the couch watching Olympics. I'm not into napping - my down time usually consists of lying on the couch, channel surfing. In fact, I'm watching Bobsleigh right now.

I don't think we won any medals today. We won a Gold and a Silver in men's Skeleton yesterday - what a freaking CRAZY sport!! Head first on a sled at 100 kph! CRAZY! I think I'd prefer to try Luge.

Speaking of crazy sports, how about Snowboardcross!! Like roller derby on snow boards! I think we won a bronze in that after both Canadian women wiped out in the final (one of them managed to get back on her board). The American girl totally lost it, though - she had a huge lead going into the final 20m of the race and on the final jump was showing off by taking big air, crashed and lost the Gold! How embarassing! I'll bet she's pissed!

The Next Big Thing is the Canada/Sweden Women's Hockey Gold Medal Game on Monday at 2:30PM. 2:30PM??? Don't they know some of us have to work?? Sheesh!! I think I'll have to (cough) go home (sneeze) early on Monday. Either that or convince my boss and some other co-workers to head to a pub to watch it.

***

I don't think I've journaled any food in the last two weeks. My weight is OK - it's up about 2 pounds from my Lowest Weight Ever that was recorded on February 10, but that's not a huge amount. I think I'm PMS right now, so it could be that. But if I don't see the number going back down I'll have to get back on the Nutridiary bandwagon.

Non-Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T21:02:00.000-05:00

I got V-day wishes from two guys today. Both married. I got a cryptic V-day message from a single guy I know, but I wasn't sure what he meant by it. Something about how people celebrate V-day in Korea. Neither of us is Korean. And although nice, he's not someone that I am even mildly interested in.

My on-line running friend and I had a great e-chat today. I think we've come to agreement on what is (or rather, is not) going on between the two of us. The good thing is that I still have a great friend and we still have this mutual admiration thing going on. As I said to him today, people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I'm not sure which category we fit into, but I'm not going to question it right now. As long as we can continue our harmless flirting (which, at this time, is boosting both of our self-confidence), then I'm OK with that.

It's still a little sad, though, because he said some really nice and positive things about me. Why is it that the ones who aren't in a position to get involved with you are your biggest fans? I've got enough married "suitors", thank-you-very-much!

The next part of my V-day was spent with my friend LT who helped me pick out tile for my new condo. I got a call late Sunday from the RE Agent saying that if I wanted them to install tiles for me, I'd have to deliver them this week. LT and I had been having a conversation about how strong, independant women like me need to ask guys for help every once in a while. So, when he offered to come with me, I took him up on the offer. My car is now filled with 120 square feet of porcelain tile for my kitchen and powder room. It must weight 400 pounds (not a word of a lie), so my car is riding a little low and doesn't have much pick-up. I'll drop it off tomorrow morning. The powder room tiles are beige(ish) and the kitchen tiles are a slate grayish/green. I think they'll be nice.

LT is another guy from my run club whom I've gotten to know a lot better in the last couple of months. We've actually known each other for almost seven years, but he's kind of faded in and out of the group a bit over that time. He flirts with me shamelessly, too - except that he is actually single. We're about the same age (he's nine months older) and have had some really great conversations lately, but I'm not really physically attracted to him and he's also a bit too high strung for me (cannot sit still for 30 seconds). I really don't see anything developing there.

Tonight, I went to my running clinic and we did a speed workout. Well, they did a speed workout; I just did a slightly up-tempo run. I have my killer hill workout tomorrow night, so I wanted to save something for that.

So, that is how I spent my V-day. Nothing romantic at all, but not a bad day. Actually, the worst part of my day was getting an e-mail from my mum saying that she didn't put any cinnamon hearts in the mail to me this year. She said the cost of the postage was more than the cost of the candy! So sad.

Just a quick update

2006-02-12T14:39:00.000-05:00

It's a gorgeous, cold sunny day here. I met BG for a run at 8:30 and we ran 21.3K in 2:30. It felt mostly effortless, although the last 3-4K are always tough. I think that's a little slow, but we did have a few stoplights, so that could be why.

My DVD player seems to be on the fritz. I rented Elizabethtown last night and couldn't get it to play. The screen just kept showing "Now Reading" and would never actually play. After fighting with it for 30 minutes I finally decided to give up. Then I remembered that I could actually watch it on my laptop, so that's what I did.

It was a charming little movie with a really great soundtrack (as all Cameron Crowe movies are - except Vanilla Sky, which just sucked). I quite enjoyed it.

Today, I'm wathing Olympics on TV. We won another medal today - a bronze in the women's 3,000m speed skating (Cindy Klassen). That adds to the gold we won yesterday in women's moguls (Jennifer Heil). Go, Canada!!

Next up: more house cleaning! I had workout-interruptus yesterday (long, boring story about my bike), so I spent the day cleaning instead. I still have to give the kitchen a good cleaning, change my bedsheets and tidy up my bedroom.

I'll probably go to the gym after work tomorrow before my tri club meeting. Tuesday and Wednesday I have my running clinics (but won't be doing two back-to-back hard workouts like I did two weeks ago). We're having a launch/social for our new triathlon club on Thursday. That makes for a pretty full week!

Lowest weight EVAH!!

2006-02-10T20:15:00.000-05:00

Oh yes, girls and boys, La posted her lowest weight EVAH this morning: 165.2lbs! Woo! The other day, I had posted a 166.2, which was the lowest weight that I had been back in December, so I finally was able to re-lose the weight I gained over the holidays (only took me eight bloody weeks! Bah!). But today, I made my way into uncharted territory.

If my normal weight fluctuations are at all predictable, I full expect that I will see a few days of increase before I see another decrease, but I'm OK with that. I'm just happy to be making progress. Yea, me!

I had a good but brutal workout today. I went to the gym at lunch (hadn't been in two weeks - gah!) and planned to do 30 minutes on the elliptical, followed by some core and stretching. Well, I got on the machine and started "pedaling" away. All was good for the first 20 minutes. I got into a groove with my tunes but started to see that my HR was creeping upwards. I had been maintaining around 150 (which is a good hard tempo for me) and then it started to creep up towards 160. At about the 22 or 23 minute mark all of a sudden I hit the wall and had to scale the intensity way back. I went at a lower intensity for the last 2-3 minutes of my program and then did the full 5-minute cool down (but my HR would only go down to about 135, which is high for a cool-down). Even when doing my hamstring curls with the ball I could feel my heart beating in my chest.

I suspect that I might be getting sick. I'm feeling that little scratchiness in my throat that is indicative of a pending cold. I've been sucking on zinc, taking my Vitamin C, drinking lots of fluids and also took some ASA this evening. I'll know better in the morning whether this is going to be a real cold or not.

***

I did laundry after work today and on the drive home I started to feel a little down. I was thinking about how happy I was this morning about my new lowest weight. I was also thinking about how happy I am with myself and what I've been able to accomplish physically as well as in other aspects of my life. I'm relishing the new sense of self-confidence I have recently acquired. And I was thinking about some of the very flattering and remarkable things that people (virtual strangers, really) have said about me (and to me) recently.

So why am I sad? Well, with all these great things in my life, I am asking myself why don't I have the one thing - the ONLY thing - I really feel is missing: love and companionship? And why am I choosing to focus on the one incomplete part of my life instead of all the great things? So, part of my sadness is in the fact that I am dwelling on the negatives instead of celebrating the positives.

I'm sure it's just a small phase that will pass in due time, but it really has me perplexed (and mildly sidelined emotionaly) right now. And with all the pending Valentines-related stuff going on this weekend and into Tuesday, I'm much more sensitive to it.

It's also somewhat compounded by the fact that I have struck up a friendship with a guy with whom a relationship isn't possible right now. And I know that our flirty friendship isn't really good for me (since it isn't going to lead anywhere, at least not in the forseable future), but I'm having a hard time putting an end to it. Or rather, redefining it and not letting myself get too wrapped up in it. But it is working for me on some level, which is why I am not able to end it. I like the attention. I like the flirting. It's the only thing like that that I do have right now. If I give that up, then I have nothing (in that area of my life). And to be clear, I don't want to end the friendship; I just want to be able to extracate myself from the emotional attachment I have created towards him. That's not an easy thing to do.

Anyway, that's where I am right now: Happy, sad and maybe getting sick.

Edit: Oh, one other thing I forgot to mention... One of the conversations I had with said "friend" today was about my inability to get a date. He said, "I guess that must be tough for Ironmen since you're so busy with your training and have so little spare time." I replied that this was not, in fact, true. As an example, I said that I had just been out to dinner with 13 other triathletes (four of us training for Ironman this year), so we do have time and will make time for a social life amidsts our busy training schedules. But I also told him that there is a general perception among those who don't do what I do that I am just so incredibly busy and over-scheduled that I couldn't possibly find time to date or have a relationship, which is entirely not true.

I kind of equated it to the same syndrome that the most popular girl in school suffered from: none but the cockiest of guys asked her out because they all thought she was out of their league and would never agree to go out with a guy like him. So, Miss Popular was left at home on a Saturday night, dateless.

I kind of feel that way myself a lot of the time. People have this perception and impression of who I am (as evident by some of the overwhelmingly positive feedback I've had recently) and to some people that is intimidating. I can't for the life of me figure out why. I mean, I'm just a dork who puts up a good front. I want my confident appearance to put people at ease, not scare them away or make them feel uncomfortable around me. I am perplexed (and clearly, quite full of myself - ha!).

All time low!

2006-02-08T17:26:00.000-05:00

Well, I am happy to report that I again weighed in at an all time low of 166.2lbs this morning. That matched my previous low on December 15, 2005. So, all of my holiday weight gain is now GONE!

However, that does not mean that I'll keep going down as I tend to post some small (and sometimes not-so-small) gains in the days after a new low.

Regardless, I'll take it!

Getting ready to head out for an 8K run.

Oh, and I have to make a shameless plug: My friend Cheryl is going to be on 0prah tomorrow!!!! She lost 100 pounds and they're doing a follow up show on her as she used W1nona Judd as her inspiration to lose the weight. Anyway, I'll be glued to my TV tomorrow afternoon! I've actually never met Cheryl, but she is a member of my on-line running club/discussion board, so I feel like I know her as well as I know any of my (oh so limited) readership. So watch the show! It's going to be soooooo cooool!!

The Week Ahead

2006-02-07T21:05:00.000-05:00

I just got in from my hill workout. We did 6 hills this evening, but the total distance of the workout (6.8K) was far less than we did last week (10.1K) as we had a much shorter warm-up and cool-down run.

The run felt really good. I kept an even pace through each of the hills and was able to maintain my intensity througout the entire workout.

I've fallen off the food journaling bandwagon. I haven't recorded much since lunch on Friday. From what I can tell, I did pretty well yesterday and today, so I'm not too worried. I probably should continue to log, though, just so that things don't get out of hand.

I'm still at this weight plateau that ranges between a low of 166-ish and a high of 168-ish. Wednesdays seem to be my lowest weight days, although I'm not quite sure why. I was at 166.8 this morning, so hopefully I'll be a little lower tomorrow (since that's the day I report into the weight loss thread on my running forum). I'd love to be closer to 160. I just feel like I haven't made much progress in the last few weeks.

That said, I have two pairs of pants I bought recently that are actually feeling a bit baggy. So, maybe my body is just doing that repositioning of fat and muscle. My legs (especially my quads) feel as solid as tree trunks and I feel very strong, so I'm happy about that. I'm just really frustrated by all the abdominal and back fat I have that doesn't seem to want to go away.

I might have to change things up a bit in terms of the balance of carbs, protein and fat and pay more attention to that balance on a daily basis, rather than simply on the total number of calories consumed.

The plans for the rest of this week are:

Run tomorrow night, probably about 8K at an easy-ish pace. I'll see how I feel. I definitely won't be doing another hard workout like I did last week.

Thursday: I'll probably get off work early and then I have to take my bike back into the shop. I hope I can figure out a time to get a workout in because I have a meeting for my tri club at 5:30 and then a dinner out with some friends at 7:00. Hmmm, might have to skip my workout on Thursday.

Friday: I'm planning on swimming, but as I always do with swimming, I usually make a last-minute decision. I don't think I have any plans for Friday night, but that's just as well because I have a busy workout day on Saturday.

Wait!! OMG, I totally know what I'm doing on Friday - watching the first night of the Olympics!! I LOVE the Olympics!! I have to check out the TV schedule so that I know when the good stuff is on. I'm going to be out all day Saturday, so I hope I don't miss anything good!

My long run for this weekend is scheduled for 22K. Yowsa! That's the longest run I've done since late October. It'll be fine.

Oh, my aching...

2006-02-05T14:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday: did 2:15 on my trainer with a group. Lots of hill climbing, so my quads and glutes were burning by the end.

Met up with some friends for dinner & drinks last night. After three margaritas, we headed to another pub where I had one more beer. I didn't get home until after 1AM, so it was close to 1:30 before my head hit the pillow.

I had already arranged with BG, my running partner (who was out with our group partying last night), that we would meet at 9:30 instead of 8:30 for our 20K run. Here I was thinking that the extra hour of sleep would make a difference. Ha!

Today: I slept until about 3:30AM when I had to get up to pee. After that, I tossed and turned until about 6:30AM when I was fully wide awake. I managed to stay in bed (although awake) until about 7:30AM. I then got up, had breakfast and waited around until it was time to go running.

It's insanely windy here today. We were supposed to get a storm overnight, but all it turned into was very high winds and rain, not the 10-15cm of snow they had predicted. I think areas outside the city got hammered, but we were spared (thanks to Lake Ontario! Woo!).

BG and I did an out-and-back route, intentionally running into the wind so that we'd have it at our backs on the way back. At some points it was quite comical as we did our best Marcel Marceau impersonations of "man walking/running into the wind". At one point, a gust came off the lake that was so strong that it actually picked up all 195 pounds of him and slammed him against me! It was quite comical. By the time we were getting to the last 5K I started to feel my quads and glutes from yesterday's workout. I was perfectly fine energy-wise, it was just muscle fatigue that got the best of me. I was very thankful when I finished the run that the washroom at the store had one of those handicapped bars next to the toilet because I wouldn't have been able to lower myself onto the seat otherwise! Or get back up, for that matter!

I'm now about to make some meat sauce for lasagne. Mmmmmm. Might invite myself over to CL/KL's for dinner with lasagne in hand. If not, it will just be me and a big ol' pan of meat, cheese and pasta! And I'm not saying that's a bad thing...

Go Steelers!

Flirting

2006-02-02T19:48:00.000-05:00

I am the first person to admit that I am a horrible flirt. And I mean that I am bad at it. I don't know how to do it. I can't always tell if someone is doing it with me, I don't know how to respond to it, and I can't tell if they're flirting with/without intent. I also get scared that flirting will lead me down a path with someone that I am not comfortable going.

I decided that I better educate myself in the art of flirting. The weird thing is, I didn't go about it in the way I normally learn how to do a thing. Normally, I go out and buy a book and study everything I can about a subject. And to be honest, I have perused through the self-help aisle in the bookstore and glanced through a few "Flirting for Dummies"-type books. They all seemed a little contrived to me.

So, how did I educate myself, you ask? Well, I just went out there and took advantage of some flirting opportunities and just went with them!

The first one started with a running friend of mine. We had been e-mailing about some stuff and next thing I knew, there was this full-on flirting happening. And the flirting continued when we saw each other in person, which was a big new step for me. Usually, I would cower when confronted with real live flirting, but for some reason this time I just allowed myself to go with it. Now, I don't think this flirting will lead to anything because I'm not particularly attracted to this guy and I don't think we'd really be compatible, but the flirtatious exchange is a lot of fun and good practice.

The next one kind of came out of the blue. There's always been a lot of innocent banter on the running discussion board I am on. I think I wrote about the flirting that started with one of the guys in a recent entry. Well, things have kind of escaled from there because now we've taken our communication off-line and are bantering back and forth quite a bit during the day. The funny thing is, he works right across the street from me so we were even joking about being able to wave to each other from our windows. We're actually going to see each other at a group meeting on Saturday night, so it will be interesting to see how things pan out in person. It's easy to flirt from behind the relative safety (and anonimity) of your keyboard, but a whole other thing to do it in person. He said he'd be late getting there, so I'll be nice and relaxed after having had a few beverages (but not too many!).

Anyway, I'm not looking at either of these things as anything more than some innocent flirting and giving me some practice in a much needed skill.

The other by-product of this flirting has been an increase in confidence. I've actually had a lot of feedback lately from people (both male and female) who have noticed it. In fact, I've even noticed it. I'm not 100% sure where it's coming from, but I'll take it!

I think part of it came when I finally got to a point where I was able to release some of my hangups about my weight and how my body looks. It was almost like magic that as soon as I did that, that the burden I was previously carrying was replaced by confidence. I fully admitted/disclosed my weight. I ran around in my bathing suit. I stopped making apologies for my size. And in return, I really started to like and appreciate the person I've worked so hard to become.

People always say that the biggest turn on is self-confidence. I'm going to keep trying to put that one to the test.

***

On the exercise front, I am totally bagged. Rule #1 of training: don't do hard workouts on back-to-back days. The quality of both workouts suffers and you just end up tired and prone to injury and sickness. In fact, I started to feel a bit of a scratchiness in my throat this afternoon. I bought some zinc lozenges at the drug store, so hopefully that will help to nip this in the bud.

Last night's workout was a 2x10-min tempo run. We did a 2.75K warm up (17:07), followed by some drills/strides. We then did a 5-min out-and-back, where we had to run at 85% effort for five minutes, then turn around and run back at the same level of effort (thereby being 10 minutes in total). The goal was to get back to where you started, which would indicate an equal pace for the return lap. We then got 2 minutes rest before doing it all over again. I managed to get to the same turnaround point the second time around, which meant that I was able to hold my pace on the second set. I think I covered about 950m on the way out and another 950m on the way back (twice). So, including the warm-up and cool down run, I ran a total of about 9.4K.

I had planned to ride my bike tonight because I took Monday as a rest day, but I am just so bagged from my last two days' workouts that I'm taking the night off. I'm going to swim after work with CL tomorrow.

I have an appointment with my AT at 7AM tomorrow, which will be good. Hmmm, I better go shave my legs! Ha ha.

Back on track... sorta

2006-01-31T20:56:00.000-05:00

Well, after yesterday's lack of working out, I certainly made up for it today. It was my running clinic night and I knew that hills were on the menu, but I never really know how far we'll go in total. Tonight, we did five hills but our total mileage was just over 10K because we had a long run to get to/from the hills. I didn't push things too hard because I know that I have another tough workout tomorrow night.

This running on back-to-back nights thing has been a big experiment for me, because I normally don't like to (or rather, my body doesn't like me to). And it's been especially challenging because every second week I have back-to-back hard run nights with hills and/or speed those two days. So far, I've held up OK. After my race at the end of March, I'll go back to running only twice a week and increase my cycling to three times a week.

I'm scheduled to run 20K (12.5 miles) this Sunday, which is the longest distance I've done since my half marathon in November.

My training stats for this month are pretty impressive (well, the running stats are):

Running: 136.1K (84.6 miles)
Cycling: 221K (137 miles) - all of this on my trainer
Swimming: 3,250 meters (pathetic)

I also did some cross training in the form of:

Elliptical: 14.5K (9 miles)
Strength/Pilates: 2 hours, 20 minutes

Today's food was pretty good (I didn't log it, though). I had my normal breakfast, some yogurt for a snack, Lean Cuisine for lunch and some toast with natural peanut butter and some chocolate soy milk for a snack before my run. I had some leftover w/w pasta with pesto sauce after my run. And the last 1/3 of the carton of B&J's so it's now completely gone. Oh, and a glass of wine.

I'm reading this Carmichael book on nutrition for athletes and I may have to start increasing my calories. I haven't finished reading the book, but he seems to be suggesting keeping your intake of calories consistent on a daily basis during the four phases of your training year, regarless of the amount of activity you do each day. I find that a little weird, but I'm willing to give it a try. Right now, I take in the appropriate number of calories on a daily basis, depending on how many calories I expend through BMR and exercise, less 500 calories.

So, if I take the total amount of calories I burn in a week, subtract 3,500 (for a 1-lb weight-loss) and then divide the rest by seven, that should be what I eat daily. And he has a formula for how to calculate those calories based more on how many grams of carb and protein you need based on your body weight. I think I need to finish reading the book before I make any drastic changes to my diet, though.

But he did have two interesting points:

1) When you change your diet drastically, it takes your body a while to adapt to the changes as it isn't getting the food it expects to be getting. He suggests changing just one meal a day (i.e., breakfast) for a week before then changing your lunches for a week, then finally your dinners the following week.

2) Our bodies don't work on a 24-hour clock that re-sets at midnight as far as calorie consumtion and expenditure are concerned, so tracking things on a weekly basis might make more sense than daily. That way you can cut yourself some slack for those days where you go over calories because as long as it all balances out over the week (or, in my case, comes under), then you'll be fine.

Food for thought (sorry, bad pun).

No Workout = No Ice Cream

2006-01-30T19:42:00.000-05:00

Argh! I bailed on all my workout options today. Instead of having some B&J I opted for chocolate soy pudding with strawberries marinated in balsamic vinegar. mmmmm.

Now, there is still a remote chance that I might drag my bike out into the middle of the living room, thereby requiring me to actually ride it while watching TV. But I haven't 100% committed to that.

I have two hard workouts coming up tomorrow and Wednesday, so I'm resting up for that. Right... I'm resting up for that.

Actually, my sciatica is acting up today - it has been all weekend - so I'm not particularly motivated to exercise right now. Although it hurts more to sit than to actually ride my bike.

Today was an OK food day, but yesterday was kind of crappy, so I'm still trying to do damage control.

***

There was a bit of a situation happening on my on-line running club discussion board. Someone posted a "date report" (kind of the way people would post a "race report" had they just completed a race) and as these things go, the conversation quickly morphed into something different. I also added fuel to the fire by starting a post asking the other single people what they'd be doing for Valentine's day. Well, that thread also got majorly hijacked and went down a road that I didn't want it to go. Some of the awkwardness was because there are a few people on the board who have recently ended long-term relationships and marriages (involving children), and two of them actually hooked up with each other, which is what actually precipitated the breakups of their marriages. Although it's not entirely public knowledge on the board, there are a few of us who know (and with varying levels of support vs. contempt for the parties involved), whereas the rest are in the dark. I'm sure all will be revealed to everyone else as early as tomorrow, though.

I know that whole paragraph was pretty cryptic and you're probably saying to yourself, "So?" It's just that sometimes it's hard to separate your on-line life and friends from your "real" life and friends. And in the case of this club, I actually do know some of them personally "off-line".

And, I kind of got caught up in the mix as one of the newly-separated guys in the club (whom I've met once in person) started publicly flirting with me. He only just revealed to all of us today that his marriage has just ended, so it was news to all of us.

The trouble with flirting (for me) is that I have a hard time differentiating between flirting with intent and flirting without intent. My normal (fat girl) perception is that guys are never flirting with intent with me. And the times when I think there might actually be intent, I'm often embarassed to find out that there isn't.

All this flirting/inuendo was happening in full view of all the other members of the forum. I played along as best I could, but then I started to get uncomfortable with the responses, especially because it appeared that a few of the members were encouraging us to hook up. And this guy is really nice and sweet, so I wouldn't want to do anything to embarass him (or myself) publicly with anything I might say. I was just trying to keep the mood light and witty, without revealing my actual feelings in a public forum.

And it's not because I don't like him or wouldn't consider him someone I would date, because that's not the case. It's just that he's very newly out of a marriage with two kids and self-admittedly still has some issues to deal with and therefore not in any position to be dating just yet. Assuming that he was even flirting with intent, which I am still not clear on.

Anyway, there's a big group of us getting together on Saturday night, so we'll see where the conversation takes us. It's always a lot easier to get your point across and read people's true intentions in person as opposed to on-line.

The other thing that I'm dealing with is trying to move past an attachment to someone else that isn't very healthy for me at the moment. Well, actually it hasn't been healthy for me for a very long time, I just wasn't ready to let it go. I'm working on it, though. I'm just having a hard time switching off my feelings, but if I can work on switching off my overactive imagination/brain, then that will likely help. But it's a slow process. The "easy" solution would be to just replace my feelings for him with feelings for another, but that doesn't really solve my problem, it simply defers it and, admittedly, will likely compound it. What you resist, persists, right?

Anyway, as a result of an interesting and revealing dream I had on Friday night (Saturday morning, actually), the pieces have finally started to come together, so I'm trying hard to work through that.

Blonde?

2006-01-29T19:31:00.000-05:00

So, how do you think I look as a blonde? Ha ha - it's just a wig.

I got together with some friends today to film a video for a friend of ours who is in the hospital. First, we filmed a "sock puppet" play of the day she had a bike accident and slammed into a tree (a stalk of broccoli substituted for the tree). Then, we filmed a scene from an episode of Seinfe1d that she likes (the one with the black and white cookie). To do the scene, we had people off-camera who were reading the lines while the people on-camera were acting it out. We had this black wig for Elaine and we kept switching the person who was playing Elaine (and the wig along with it) in each mini-scene. There were five of us altogether who played the role of Elaine (the same guy played Jerry throughout). It was pretty funny and lots of fun to do.

I made a pretty decent dinner tonight, although it looked like a bomb went off in my tiny kitchen afterwards. I'm not the best at cleaning up after dinner - usually the TV or my computer are calling my name and I neglect to clean up right away. But then I end up with a mound of dishes to do at a later time, which is no fun.

I also remembered that my friends (enemies?) B&J were in the freezer, so I made a bargain with myself: no Ice Cream until I had fully cleaned up the kitchen. I know, I know... food shouldn't be a reward, but I was going to have it anyway, so I had to make a deal with myself to ensure that at least something good came out of it.

In the end, I did all the dishes and portioned out another 1/4 of the carton. The other half-carton is still sitting in the freezer. I will "earn" my next portion by swimming after work tomorrow.

This is a Test… This is Only a Test

2006-01-29T16:14:00.000-05:00

Buoyed by my newfound self-confidence and self-control where food is concerned, I decided to test myself on Thursday. I bought a carton of ice cream. Zoiks!

Now, let me just say that ice cream (which, in my mind is personalized to be referred to as “Ice Cream”) is one of my biggest weaknesses. I cannot have it in my apartment as I do not know when to say, “Stop” or, “Enough is enough.” In fact, there probably isn’t such a thing as “enough” where Ice Cream is concerned.

It almost doesn’t even matter what flavour, although I do have my faves, which basically includes anything with chocolate, coffee, caramel, toffee, marshmallow, almonds, pecans or cashews. If someone made an ice cream with ALL of those ingredients, I would be a slave to its goodness.

The urge to buy the Ice Cream – which I had successfully controlled for longer than I can remember – was spurred on by a discussion on my running forum about ice cream. I mentioned that I had not been able to find my fave flavour – B&J’s Coffee Heath Bar Crunch – as they ever only had the vanilla variety whenever I went into the store. Also, I’ve been very good about not buying Ice Cream and taking it home, rather indulging in a scoop here and there in a shop or restaurant.

Then, Thursday evening I was in the grocery store and my gaze was drawn to the freezer cabinet where the Ice Cream was. Normally, I spend my time in the Lean Cuisine section of the frozen foods aisle, then fixing my gaze straight ahead without a sideways glance into the frozen treats section. But all that talk of Ice Cream earlier in the day made me look.

And then I saw it: B&J’s Coffee Toffee Crunch! My fave flavour had been RENAMED! But it was still my beloved! I guess the name change is because we don’t have Heath Bar here (the closest thing is called Skor). I was in heaven!

It was $6.49 (CAD$) for the 500mL carton. Without guilt, I picked it out of the freezer and popped it into my cart, right next to my fresh produce.

I never got a chance to have an afternoon snack, so I hadn’t eaten since 1:30PM. I did laundry after work and then grocery shopping, so by the time I got into the car to go home around 7PM I was ravenous. I find I get something akin to “low blood sugar rage”, which is that I start to get very angry and agitated when my blood sugar drops too low.

I managed to get some food into me relatively soon thereafter and then I went in for the kill… B&J’s Coffee Toffee Crunch has 300 calories per 125mL (1/2 cup) serving. That’s ¼ of the container. OK, I can do that. I portioned out what I thought was ½ cup into a little bowl and settled in for some cold, creamy goodness.

It was like heaven. I had missed it so much. I did have one scoop of green tea ice cream over Christmas, but that was no comparison to this. I don’t think I had had “real” ice cream since the summer!

After nearly licking the bowl clean, I hunkered down to watch TV and read some blogs. Just about the time The Office was starting, I could hear these muffled screams coming from the kitchen. I’m not sure if it was Ben or Jerry, but one of them was calling my name. I opened the freezer door and there it was staring at me – mocking me – DARING me! I opened up the lid and peeked inside. Hmm, there’s a little around the edges of that top quarter of the carton that never quite made it into my bowl – better clean that up.

But I’m happy to say that after that half-spoonful of Ice Cream, I put the lid back on, put the carton back in the freezer and closed the door.

And there it's been ever since.

I went out Friday evening and didn’t get home until late, so no temptation there. Saturday, I rode my bike in the morning and then went out for the rest of the day. I went to KH's place for dinner, so no opportunity to indulge as I went to bed as soon as I got home (although I did have cake at her place).

Today, I ran in the morning and then went for brunch at a friend's place. I think I overindulged a bit on all kinds of goodness there, but thankfully there was no ice cream.

So now here I sit on my couch. I KNOW that it's there in my freezer, untouched since Thursday. I think that's some kind of new record! My goal for the next few days: no more than ONE ½ cup serving at a time.

This N That

2006-01-24T17:51:00.000-05:00

So, we had a federal election here yesterday. Predictions came true and we now have a Conservative government, albeit a minority. It’s a small consolation, but at least they won’t be allowed to run amok with their right-wing agenda and will be kept in check. I voted for the incumbent in my riding and she won, so I’m glad about that. I hate voting for losers. Ha ha. The sad thing is, we’re likely to be headed back to the polls within the next 12-18 months as minority governments rarely last that long.

I still have not overcome my pool agoraphobia. Well, that’s what I’m calling it, anyway. Apologies to those of you who do suffer from real agoraphobia. I’m not sure what the word is for “fear of inconveniencing other people and being inconvenienced.” Because whatever it is, that’s what I have.

An extension of that has to do with personal space. I try very hard not to take up more than my fair share of personal space, I don’t like to infringe on other people’s space and I resent it when people infringe on mine (or take up more than their fair share). It could be in the lineup at the coffee shop, on the streetcar or in cars on the road. I just think it’s very inconsiderate, bordering on aggressive. Just give me a reasonable amount of personal space. Please!

Last Friday at the pool, CL and I were commenting to each other about a woman we observed in the shower and change room. Honestly, she was naked (and that’s not the worst part) and felt the need to scrub every single part and orifice of her body! In front of everyone else! I mean, honestly… I don’t appreciate you hoisting your leg up in the air so that you can dig into your crotch with a loofah! Sheesh! Then, while changing (and drying herself with the same diligence with which she had washed) she used two locker spaces, PLUS she hung her wet bathing suit to drip dry on the door of the locker right next to mine – when the TWO she was already using were on the opposite side of the change room! Argh.

Anyway, all of this as my pitiful excuse as to why I didn’t go swimming last night. I just couldn’t bear the whole “production”. While I am swimming, I am very content (although usually bored) while doing my workout. But if anything disrupts my pace/rhythm – watch out! I had packed all my gear yesterday morning. I had a 7AM appointment with the Marquis (my athletic therapist who enjoys inflicting pain on me) and had planned to swim after work. In fact, I even took the time to redesign and print a swim workout before I left the office. Even put it in a plastic sheet holder to protect it from the water! But something happened on my walk towards the pool…

I was debating the logistics of whether to get my car and drive to the pool, or whether to leave it where it was, walk to the pool, pay the extra few dollars to park after 6PM and just leave it there. Well, I wasn’t half way to the car when I just made up my mind that I was going to bail on swimming altogether. My rationalization included the fact that I still had to vote (the polls were open until 9:30PM) and that I could do a bike workout on my trainer instead. The bike trainer won.

So, I got in the car, drove to the polling station, cast my vote (the whole process from the time I parked my car until I was back on the road couldn’t have been more than 90 seconds), drove home (just around the corner), changed into my cycling gear, set up my bike and rode for 40 minutes while I watched Ellen on TV.

I ate some of my leftover pumpkin soup and a tiny little (200-calorie) frozen dinner, then TWO little chocolate soy puddings (103 calories each) and I was STILL almost 500 calories under for the day (that’s 500 more than the 500-calorie deficit I was already working with). I just wasn’t hungry.

Today, I went to the gym at lunch. The Marquis gave me some hamstring-strengthening exercises to do, as well as some stretches for my hip flexors. It seems that the combination of weak hamstrings and tight hip flexors is tipping my pelvis out of alignment, which is putting a strain on the hamstrings. At the gym, I warmed up on the elliptical for 15 minutes then did 30 minutes of core, hamstrings and stretching. I only held the plank for 60 seconds, but I did manage 2x15 girlie pushups.

Tonight, I have my running clinic and I think we’re doing hills again. Probably four hills this time. I don’t have my speed clinic tomorrow night, so I can go hard tonight and then just have an easier (but longer) run tomorrow. Normally, Thursdays are my recovery days, but I’m going out after work on Friday so I won’t get a chance to work out. I think I’ll go to the gym again on Thursday.

Things are quiet at work this week because I met the deadline I had and got the stuff to the printer by noon. I have a few exams and assignments to mark, but I should be done that fairly quickly tomorrow morning. I’m back in the classroom for two more weeks starting next week, then I’ll get a bit of a break again.

Oh, I had another epiphany while in the shower today. I was thinking about how when I move I will likely want to install a new showerhead. I like the hand-held kind with different settings (as opposed to the “rainfall” type that are so popular right now). Just like in that Seinfeld episode, I like a shower with good pressure. The rainfall showerheads don’t have enough pressure to get all the shampoo out of my hair. Anyway, the epiphany was about whether to install it myself or ask someone to come and do it for me. I installed the one I have now, but it does leak because I didn’t have the right tools and I didn’t have enough thread tape. But I know that I CAN install one properly. I was thinking about the perception that we “independent women of the new millennium” give off that we don’t “need” anything (i.e., from men), which is why they are intimidated by us. Well, part of the thing with me is that I don’t want to be a burden or inconvenience on anyone, which is why I just learn to do things myself.

There is this woman I know who is a little socially awkward and nobody really likes her much. It’s kind of sad, really. But in a way, I identify with her. In my mind, I AM her, and I’m worried that people look at me with the same pity and disdain as they look at her. A while back she needed with something in her apartment. When she asked a couple of guys in the group to help her out, nobody wanted to help her and they all made excuses that they were busy or something. My heart sank for her. And, granted, it was a pretty shitty thing of those guys to make excuses just because they didn’t like her (although, she does have a reputation for sucking you into her vortex if you allow her to get too close). So, cut to me: part of me doesn’t want to ask anyone (man or woman) for help because I’m afraid that they will feel the same way about me as they do about her.

I now know this not to be true and that there are a bunch of guys I know (both single and married) who would happily help me out with stuff like that, should I only ask. I still feel weird asking, though.

Why I Hate Swimming

2006-01-22T16:00:00.000-05:00

I met CL on Friday after work and we went for a swim. I had planned to do 1,600m and that's what I did. It took me just under 32 minutes, so I maintained a sub-2:00/100m pace, which is exactly where I want to be.

During the swim it came to me: I don't hate swimming - I actually love the feeling of moving though the water; I hate sharing a lane with other swimmers! My aversion to swimming is based in the fact that everyone else gets in my way, and I am also worried that I am getting in other people's way. Swimming is not a social sport like running or cycling, so I don't actually enjoy swimming with others (except to meet up so as to provide motivation to each other).

So, if I were to ever win $1MM, I would rent myself a pool for the days and times I want to swim and keep one lane just to myself. I'd let my friends swim in the other lanes. Generous of me, isn't it! Ha ha.

Seriosuly, I'm going to have to get over this as my training starts to ramp up. Luckily, once the lakes warm up, I won't have that problem.

I barely worked out yesterday. I met H&P for dinner/drinks on Friday night and, although it was not a late night, I slept right through from 11:30PM until 9:30AM Saturday morning! I spent the morning cleaning and re-organizing my boxes so that I don't have to play "moving box obstacle course" in my living room anymore. I met J for coffee in the afternoon and then came home and baked a cake for a party I was going to in the evening. I snuck in a bike ride for 58 minutes while my cake baked.

This morning, I ran 18.5K with my friend BG. The group we started out with took off like a flash and we couldn't keep up. Well, HE could have, but not me. The weather was perfect for running today: sunny, no wind and temps just around the freezing mark. Lovely! Our total time was 2:10, but that included my pee break and all the stoplights along the way, so BG said that our pace was likely about 6:47/km (right where I wanna be).

I'm a little stiff and sore right now, but I have an appointment with my AT tomorrow morning (7AM). I'm also planning to swim after work before I go to vote (don't even get me started on this stupid election). So, busy day all in all tomorrow.

Food-wise, I didn't even log my food yesterday and have no clue how many calories I consumed. I ate hors d'oeuvres at the party as well as a piece of the cake I had made. I earned a few more calories today with that long run, but I'm not really that hungry. I had bacon after my run (!) along with French Toast. Oh, and a pint of beer (it was almost noon). Yeah, not the best choices but I don't think I went over calories. I just finished a bowl of pumpkin soup I made this afternoon. Yummmmm!!

Speed, baby!

2006-01-18T22:17:00.000-05:00

Just got in from my speed workout. We did 7x300m (or so). The entire loop was a 1K rectangle, so we ran hard on the long sides and recovered on the short sides. The hard intervals took me between 1:32 and 1:35, which is good that I was at least consistent and was able to maintain my pace throughout the workout.

I was also glad that I was not the slowest in the group. I was running with two other women and I managed to stay with them the whole time. I suspect that they were not giving it as much as I was on the hard intervals, though. In any case, there was still one guy who was behind us, so I was not the slowest.

The entire workout took about an hour, including the warm-up run, the drills we did before/after and the cool-down run. I think we ran about 7-8K (probably closer to 7).

I felt really great after the run; must be the endorphins. I then met up with my other running friends at the local pub for some food. When I'm feeling particularly naughty, I indulge in the group portions of wings, nachos and beer. Tonight, I was feeling virtuous, so I opted for a salad with grilled chicken and a ginger ale. Came in under calories today. Woo!

Tomorrow is supposed to be an off day, but I feel like I should ride my bike or something. One long bike ride per week just isn't enough and I don't know how else to fit one in before Satuday. I'm supposed to swim on Friday evening, so that means I won't get an "off" day this week. Swimming is good for active recovery (I won't push my pace), so I think I can manage it.

In the long term, I'm going to have to plan in a bike ride earlier in the week, probably Monday evening after swimming (once I start swimming on Mondays again, that is). Either that, or do a workout in the morning before I go to work. It's just so hard to fit it all in!

Time for bed... want to get back to the sweet dreams of my hot running coach that I had last night... zzzzz

Rain, rain, go away!

2006-01-17T22:02:00.000-05:00

After last week's "heat wave", the weather has gone to pot in the last few days. Saturday and Sunday we were in the deep freeze. Then today, pouring, driving rain, wind and barely-above-zero temps. Grrr.

Tonight was my clinic for the Around the Bay race. It's a small group and I really didn't much want to go for a run in this shite-for-weather, but we were having a nutrition talk, so I went because I wanted to hear what the RD had to say.

The winds had blown down a tree on the main street in my neighbourhood so, couple with the rain/wind, that made for horrid traffic getting to my clinic. When I got there, I found out that the RD had bailed at the last minute, so we were just going to run - no nutrition talk. Grrrr. Oh, and we were doing hills. I hate hills.

Anyway, I sucked it up and ran the hills. It was dreadful outside, but I still managed to squeek out three hill repeats. The entire workout only took 28 minutes, which is about all I wanted to do tonight. I have another tough workout planned for tomorrow (not on purpose, but I have two clinics running concurrently so every second week I have two back-to-back tough runs).

I've been doing pretty well calorie-wise this week, but I've only seen the scale creep up and up every day. I'm sure it's just PMS, but I still hate seeing numbers go UP instead of DOWN. Grrr.

Oh, and I gave Coffee/Pilot Guy the easy let down. You know, he may just be shy, but I don't really go for shy guys. I like confident guys. Guys who have social ease. And that doesn't mean loud and overbearing - quiet and shy are mutually exclusive characteristics. Quiet confidence is a good thing; cocky confidence is not.

Example: a few years ago, I needed a date for a work event I was going to. I asked a friend (who was actually engaged to someone else at the time) to be my escort. Even though he had never met any of those people before, he didn't need me to hold his hand. He jumped right in and held his own in conversations with my boss and our VP. That's the kind of confidence and character I want in a guy. "Shy" just doesn't cut it with me.

I am Athlete, hear me roar!

2006-01-15T17:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's workout:

After getting up at 6:20 and driving 70K in a near-blizzard to get to my workout, I did the following:

3-hour indoor bike ride. On one side of me, an Elite-level 20-something cutie named James. He races at the ITU level (i.e, the same guys who go to the Olympics, although he has not yet made the Canadian Olympic Team). On the other side of me, a 60-year-old, 4-time Ironman and his 5-time Ironman age-group winning wife. Although I'll never race at the ITU level, I hope I'm still doing Ironman at 60!

60 minutes of the hardest core workout I have ever attempted. And I say "attempted" because I couldn't do all the reps of the workout as I am just not strong enough yet. I'm only mildly sore today, but I know that by tomorrow I'll be in agony. Don't make me laugh, OK?

60-min swim workout. Since I was so bagged from the other workouts, I kind of sandbagged this one and only swam about 1200m in total. I still managed to stay under/around 1 min/50m, so that's good.

I was so bagged when I got home at 6PM that I just got Swiss Chalet and called it a night.

I didn't log or journal any of my food yesterday, but whatever I ate, I'm sure I more than burned that in exercise.

Today's workout:

16K run. Temp, -12C with wind chill of -20C. Brrr! Considering I ran IN SHORTS on Thursday, it was a bit of a brutal awakening. We ended our run downtown at a coffee shop and then took the streetcar back to the store. Well, in the 2-3 minutes I spent standing in the shelter waiting for the streetcar to come, I completely froze up and my fingers actually turned white! They didn't thaw out until I was in the shower later.

===========

Flo made an interesting comment in her post yesterday. She said, "I am an athlete" and (I'm paraphrasing) that makes her different than all the other weight watchers. No truer words were ever written!

I've known this about myself for a while, but never really knew how to make the distinction. Or even how important it is to make that distinction. My nutritional needs are very different than someone who does 30 minutes of aerobic activity 3-4 days a week. In a normal week, I work out 5-6 days for at least an hour at a time, and much longer than that (2-4hrs) on the weekends. That's why I've always said that I can't "diet" while in heavy training mode. I need all the calories I can get!

My goal is to lose up to 15 more pounds by the end of March, because after that my workout mileage and intensity is going to ramp up significantly and I won't be able to focus on weight loss at that mileage/intensity level.

So, if anyone has any suggestions on how this athlete can lose weight, I'm open to hearing them!

I've also started to make this distinction with respect to dating. I am not "active", nor am I interested in dating someone who is simply "active". I am an athlete. I train. A lot! I'm interested in dating another athlete, not someone who's idea of activity is "rollerblading on the boardwalk". That might sound harsh, but this is a HUGE part of my life, including my social life. Anyone who does not already lead that kind of life (or is actively trying to get into it) is only going to feel left out of mine. I know of two couples (off the top of my head) who broke up after a couple of months because the other person thought their partner spent too much time running/training and socializing with other runners.

That's not to say that I don't also enjoy other things. But someone who would rather sleep late on a Sunday morning, then head over to the Home Despot to look at lawnmowers is not really going to "get" me.

Oh yes, and this very well could all be a huge rationalization/excuse on my part. Sigh.

Endorphins

2006-01-12T17:31:00.000-05:00

Now I remember why I love running so much: endorphins!

I had an endorphin-filled run today. We've been blessed with warmer than normal temperatures the last couple of days. It was 8C (about 46F) and sunny here today. I don't know if it was the sun (which we haven't seen much of the last few weeks), the fact that I ran in SHORTS, or the endorphins from the 8.5K run I did this afternoon, but I feel awesome!

I finished up my training course early today (just after noon), so I was home by 2PM, which was great. I threw on my running gear (shorts, l/s shirt, vest and cap) and head out for my planned 8.5K run. The route I took was great because there were long stretches without stoplights (as hitting red lights just interrupts my rhythm).

I'm way under on calories today, so I need to get some in me pretty soon. I didn't have time for a proper lunch, so all I had was a multi-grain bagel with a slice of cheddar. I think I'll put a sweet potato in the oven as that is my current favourite treat. And much better for me than plain old white potatoes.

I'm back in the office tomorrow so I'll try to head to the gym at lunch or right after work. I have a 40th BD party to go to in the evening, but I can't drink up a storm as I have Mega Training Day on Saturday.

MEGA TRAINING DAY! Say that like it's being spoken through an echo machine, just like MONSTER TRUCK JAM! Ha ha.

Full report to follow on Sunday.

On a completely different note...

I was watching TV and the Pussycat Dolls came on singing their latest song. What the heck does, "I'm a stick with you" mean??

Yeah, yeah, I know... it's just the "hip" way of saying "I'm GOING TO stick with you." Sometimes I really hate the way people in popular culture speak, especially in the hip-hop culture. Actually, the thing I hate is that it's become acceptable - cool, actually! - not to enunciate or pronounce things properly. Grrrr.

[La gets off soapbox and ends rant]