Meltdown

I had a bit of a meltdown last week.

Non-BF and I had a great time in Florida. Things were really easy between us - no disagreements, no awkwardness, no getting on each other's nerves... none of the normal kind of stuff that happens while travelling. We had a really great time.

We get back on the Friday night and I'm feeling really good about our relationship/friendship. I didn't talk to him much on the Saturday (we were both busy). He didn't come to run club on Sunday and I was busy the rest of the day. Finally we touched base on Sunday night. Turns out he had been with his other "friend" (S) on Saturday evening and most of the day Sunday. Hmmm. OK.

On Monday, I e-mail him to see if he wants to come on a trail run with some friends the following Saturday. He replies back that he can't as he's going out of town. Out of town? Where? Montreal. Montreal? What for? Oh, S is going there for business and she asked me to come along. You're going to MONTREAL?? MY HOMETOWN?? WITH HER???

I lost it (which, for me, means I shut down and stopped communicating, turning my anger inward).

Since he's my Non-BF (emphasis on the NON part), I don't have any claims on him, his time or whom he chooses to spend his time with. But I just could NOT deal with the fact that he was going away to Montreal for the weekend with S.

I don't really hold grudges and tend to get over stuff fairly quickly, as long as I've had a chance to wallow in self-pity and shed many tears. I think I cried myself to sleep three nights in a row over this. After that, I had calmed down a bit.

On Thursday, he came over to deliver my bike (his offer to pick up my bike at the shop was somewhat of a peace offering, I guess). Things were civil yet distant between us and he picked up on my coldness right away. When he finally called me on my behaviour, I broke down in tears in his arms. We talked about what was bothering me:

The thing is, I know that he's not the one for me (and that his heart is still on hold for someone else), but I just felt so threatened by the fact that I felt like he was pulling away from me by going away with S for the weekend. What I realized is that I have this huge void in my life that he had been filling (even though not entirely). A lot of the void was also masked by how busy I was all spring/summer with my Ironman training. But now that that's over, the void is this big gaping hole that I don't know what to do about.

I took a huge risk when I allowed myself to open up to him last winter. I had always prided myself on how independant I was and how I didn't "need" anyone. The downside is that once I allowed myself to open up and feel (and it actually felt very good, regardless of how much I felt exposed and vulnerable), I now also feel the loss since I don't have anyone to share that part of myself with (leaving me to feel even more exposed and vulnerable).

On the surface, I have a really great life, a home of my own, lots of great friends and many great experiences, but that's only the surface. Underneath I am unfulfilled, empty and lonely. None of those things matter to me without someone to share it with.

As much as I am still sad and hurting, I'm very glad that we were able to have such an honest convesation. He provided me with some valueable feedback and his perspective on things. I know that he has my best interests at heart and will do whatever he can to help me fulfill my dreams.

The other good thing is that I know I've been here before (about eight years ago, in fact) as I was going through my physical transformation. I felt a similar sense of exposure when I first started losing weight as I didn't have a layer of protection anymore. At the time, I thought I was going to lose my mind or just cry myself into oblivion. I didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't know if/when I'd ever get what I wanted. It was a really tough time.

But what I learned from that experience is that, no matter how hard times are, I will come through it. I will get what I want (even if it doesn't come in the form I think it will). So, I'm holding onto that knowledge, no matter how small or fragile a hope it might be. Because it's all I have right now.

Back from my mini-vacation

My non-BF and I went to D1sney for a couple of days. He won the trip through work. We were only there for two and a half days, but it was so nice to get away and relax.

We had one free park pass (each), so we chose to go to Epc0t. That was a good choice. I really like the "Soarin'" ride. And "Mission to Mars" was intense.

We laughed at the Canada pavillion. The girls working there were dressed like lumberjacks and the movie about Canada was 23 years old!! Heck, some of the biggest buildings in downtown Toronto weren't even in the movie! Sheesh! I found that most of the indoor spaces smelled old and musty. Blech! Time for a facelift, Epc0t!!

I kind of ate like crap (meaning, whatever I wanted) while I was there (and even a bit since getting home last night), so I have to reign myself in a bit. I haven't stepped on the scales since I've been back. I think I was 171 before I left.

Today, I've just been running errands and drywalling a bit. I bought new running shoes since mine were almost toast.

I've pretty much recovered from my half marathon last weekend (we ran while we were in FLA and it felt good). I think I'll run 12K or so tomorrow. Next weekend, I'm meeting up with some friends to do a trail run (not a race, just a group run).

Next week, it's back to diligently working out. Note to self: Must start weight training again. Meh.

New Half-Marathon PB!

I wasn't sure what to expect going into this race. It's been a long year of IM training and I wasn't sure if I had rested enough. I had thoughts of "PB" dancing around in the back of my mind, but I wasn't sure if I had it in me. I got my current PB (2:09:14) at this same race last year, so I was willing to give it another shot to see if the course would be good to me again.

I was relaxed going in. I didn't feel any pressure, just the normal pre-race excitement. It was great connecting with lots of my friends from the running club, too.

My plan was to try to stay in front of the 2:15 pace bunny (BG) and hold onto the 2:00 bunny (DG) as long as I could. Well, I lost sight of DG before the first kilometer marker (which I'm sure was off because my watch said I ran it in 4:51!). The 1-mile marker seemed to be right, though (9:40).

I also decided to follow my "average pace" on my SDM and use that as the gauge. For more than the first half, I was just under 6:00/km. I was kind of shocked by that because it's about 10 seconds/km faster than I normally run this distance. But I was feeling good, so I stuck with it.

This was also the first time in a long time that I raced with music. I pre-programmed my Nano with the best running tunes I could find, and tried to put them in order that I'd want/need to hear them.

The downside to running with music is that I couldn't hear my watch beep for walk breaks, so I had to keep looking at my watch. As a result, I didn't take them regularly every 10 minutes and they weren't a full minute long.

By the time I hit the 14K mark, my average pace had started to slow down to about 6:04 (this was the up-hilliest part of the course). It stayed at 6:04 all the way until the 18K mark when I decided to go for broke. I took my final walk break at the aide station there and then hunkered down and drove it home.

Just as I was getting to the 19K mark, an old favourite "earworm" of mine and my friend BG came on: "S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y-NIGHT! S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y-NIGHT!" That really got me going and I picked the pace up significantly. Then at the 20K mark, "Clocks" by Coldplay came on and I thought, Yeah, this is the perfect song to take me home. Finish before it's over, La.

Well, I hammered as hard as I could and as I got close to the finish line I saw the clock turning from 2:06:59 to 2:07:00. Yes, it was going to be a new PB!

Official chip time: 2:06:55!! Oh, baby! That was 2 minutes and19 seconds off my previous PB! That's smokin'! I really feel that sub-2:06 is within my grasp now. I honestly didn't think I had it in me as it seemed so far away from my previous PB of 2:09:14 (which had taken me 6 years to achieve).

Anyway, I'm sore. My hammies are killing me, but my friend's hot tub is calling my name, so I'll end my report here.