I got an e-mail from M (the guy I had the friends talk with) asking if I had time to get together to talk about triathlon. Hmmmm, OK. I said I was busy every night, but free during the day over the weekend, so we are meeting on Sunday afternoon. In my mind, he’s beating a dead horse. There is NOTHING he can do to change my mind and make me interested in dating him. I’ve told him that I’m not interested in him as anything more than a friend (and even that was a stretch – I really don’t see us ever “hanging out” on a regular basis). But I will still go and meet him for coffee.
I’ve also been communicating with J. We’ve exchanged a few e-mails (off the dating site) and I suggested we get together for a run. I haven't heard back yet. He lives in Mississauga (oy!) and is a runner, training for the half in May. He’s cute (from his photo), tall (6’2”) and looks to be pretty solidly built – definitely my type.
My other update (some, but not all of you know this) is that my ex, R, and I have been communicating again. It started last Friday when I sent him an e-mail with a link to a house listing. He called me that night and we talked for over an hour. It was good. Then on Monday I saw that he'd replied to my Friday e-mail (after I'd left for the day), so I did reply to that. There were some very racy e-mails exchanged, and then he called me again on Monday night and had another good long talk. We planned to get together on Thursday (last night). Well, an issue came up with his daughter and he had to spend the evening with her, so our plans were foiled. The last I heard from him last night was that we'd try to get together for lunch today.
I haven’t heard from him yet, so I have my running gear with me to head to the gym at lunch in case those plans fall through.
I think I'm going into this with a level head, not forgetting all the problems we had, but looking at it from the perspective of seeing if we have any common ground to move forward. I don't want to go back to what we had. I'm clear on what I need, and what I'm willing to give. If we can figure out a way that we can both get what we need, then great. If not, them I'm fine knowing that I did all I could to see if it could work.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The Talk
Well, it took me almost an hour of chit-chat with him on the phone before I got the courage up to give him the "just friends" talk, but I did it. It went fine.
My objective going in was to simply tell him how I was feeling, without projecting anything on him, and also allowing him to save face if he is in fact interested in more that just a friendship with me.
I started off by saying that I was very touched by the message he sent me the other night saying that he thought I was a truly amazing woman. I told him that I thought he was pretty amazing himself, stepping up and taking on his kids full time when their mother left. I wanted him to know that I respected him for that. He really is a quality guy.
Then I told him that I had learned a lot from my last relationship, one thing being that it's always best to put your cards on the table with the other person as early as possible so that neither one is wondering how the other one is feeling. So I said that what I was feeling right now was more of a friendship than anything else. I said that I didn't see it developing into anything more at this point and that I wanted him to know that so that he could decide how he wanted to proceed.
Actually, I think I might have said, "Maybe I will, maybe I won't" which in retrospect I wish I hadn't said because that might give him a little glimmer of hope that if he's persistent that he can win me over. That's the only thing I regret about the conversation.
He said he was fine with that, that he's always looking to make more friends and broaden his social circle, so I think he got it.
Oh, he also told me that he Googled me and found the article that was written about me a few years ago about my weight-loss journey. That bugged me just a little bit, but I know that we're in the information age, so it's to be expected. I could never Google him because he has a very common name (his last name being probably the MOST common Chinese name) and shares it with a provincial MPP and cabinet minister.
Well, that's it for now. I was excited to see that I got a message from J, another guy I'd been communicating with. It was a bit of a let-down because it was just a one-line reply to a question I asked him, nothing more. I also got a message from a guy named D, but he has a few strikes against him: 49, 5'7" and lives in Newmarket.
My objective going in was to simply tell him how I was feeling, without projecting anything on him, and also allowing him to save face if he is in fact interested in more that just a friendship with me.
I started off by saying that I was very touched by the message he sent me the other night saying that he thought I was a truly amazing woman. I told him that I thought he was pretty amazing himself, stepping up and taking on his kids full time when their mother left. I wanted him to know that I respected him for that. He really is a quality guy.
Then I told him that I had learned a lot from my last relationship, one thing being that it's always best to put your cards on the table with the other person as early as possible so that neither one is wondering how the other one is feeling. So I said that what I was feeling right now was more of a friendship than anything else. I said that I didn't see it developing into anything more at this point and that I wanted him to know that so that he could decide how he wanted to proceed.
Actually, I think I might have said, "Maybe I will, maybe I won't" which in retrospect I wish I hadn't said because that might give him a little glimmer of hope that if he's persistent that he can win me over. That's the only thing I regret about the conversation.
He said he was fine with that, that he's always looking to make more friends and broaden his social circle, so I think he got it.
Oh, he also told me that he Googled me and found the article that was written about me a few years ago about my weight-loss journey. That bugged me just a little bit, but I know that we're in the information age, so it's to be expected. I could never Google him because he has a very common name (his last name being probably the MOST common Chinese name) and shares it with a provincial MPP and cabinet minister.
Well, that's it for now. I was excited to see that I got a message from J, another guy I'd been communicating with. It was a bit of a let-down because it was just a one-line reply to a question I asked him, nothing more. I also got a message from a guy named D, but he has a few strikes against him: 49, 5'7" and lives in Newmarket.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Good, but...
OK, I know I owe you all a date report from Saturday. Here it is:
M picked me up at 6PM. He called me at 6PM sharp to say he was downstairs. I went down, gave him a hug, he took my skates and I got into the car (he closed the door for me).
As we were driving, he said, “I checked the web site for skating and there is a DJ playing after 8PM so I thought we’d go to dinner first, then skating.” Oh, OK. I thought we’d do it the other way around, but no big deal. The drive down was fine, we had to wait about half an hour for a table, but we just sat and talked. He told me about how his kids never see their mum as she moved out west and has little contact with them.
Dinner was good. Conversation was good. After dinner, we got our skates from the car and walked down to the skating rink. It was PACKED with people. It was tough to really skate because it was so crowded. But we managed OK. I don’t know how long we skated in total. We took one break because my back was sore. Then I said that I was pretty much done (I’m sore in about a million places from all the workouts I’ve done in the last week). We put on our boots and then walked back to the car. We had a nice chat and he told me more about how his wife left (2 years ago) and how he lost his house as a result. He didn’t sound bitter (actually, now that I think about it, he didn’t really show any emotion at all).
The drive home was fine. He asked me questions about my life and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. As we got close to my place, he asked if I wanted to go for coffee. I said that I was starting to fade and that I’d prefer to just go home. When he dropped me off, I gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek.
Yesterday, I sent him a text to say thank you. I got THREE text messages in reply, one of which said, “Next time how about making dinner?” He seems so intent on getting together to make dinner (I’m guessing at my place, since he and his kids live with his mum). I didn’t reply to that message. Then, later that night I get the following text:
“Before I head to bed. Gotta be up with the birds tomorrow morning.
Just wanted to say "you are truely an amazing woman. "
Oy.
This morning, I replied “Thanks. That’s very nice of you to say. TTYL.”
So, I am definitely NOT feeling the same way he seems to be feeling. I knew last night that I didn't feel anything for him because all I kept thinking as we were skating was, "I hope he doesn't try to hold my hand." That's not a good sign.
I don’t want to over-analyze things, and all I can do is be true to how I am feeling – about him, about myself, about how I want to feel – and right now I am not feeling it with him. He’s nice. There’s nothing “wrong” with him. I’m just not attracted to him.
My conundrum is how to tell him that. I can’t do that via e-mail or text – that’s just rude. Perhaps we could talk on the phone. My hesitation in telling him in person is the fact that he wants to get together to cook at my place, and I’d rather just meet for coffee and tell him in some neutral place. I’ve had this conversation before (with A several months ago), though that one was a bit different because I positioned it as not being ready to move forward after my last relationship. This time, it’s not about the fact that I’m not ready to move forward; he’s just not the guy I want to move forward with! And I can pretty much be sure that spending more time with him isn’t going to change that. I don’t want to string him along or get his hopes up. Or get tied up in a way that would prevent either of us from meeting the person we are meant to be with.
Sigh. I think a phone call is in order.
M picked me up at 6PM. He called me at 6PM sharp to say he was downstairs. I went down, gave him a hug, he took my skates and I got into the car (he closed the door for me).
As we were driving, he said, “I checked the web site for skating and there is a DJ playing after 8PM so I thought we’d go to dinner first, then skating.” Oh, OK. I thought we’d do it the other way around, but no big deal. The drive down was fine, we had to wait about half an hour for a table, but we just sat and talked. He told me about how his kids never see their mum as she moved out west and has little contact with them.
Dinner was good. Conversation was good. After dinner, we got our skates from the car and walked down to the skating rink. It was PACKED with people. It was tough to really skate because it was so crowded. But we managed OK. I don’t know how long we skated in total. We took one break because my back was sore. Then I said that I was pretty much done (I’m sore in about a million places from all the workouts I’ve done in the last week). We put on our boots and then walked back to the car. We had a nice chat and he told me more about how his wife left (2 years ago) and how he lost his house as a result. He didn’t sound bitter (actually, now that I think about it, he didn’t really show any emotion at all).
The drive home was fine. He asked me questions about my life and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. As we got close to my place, he asked if I wanted to go for coffee. I said that I was starting to fade and that I’d prefer to just go home. When he dropped me off, I gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek.
Yesterday, I sent him a text to say thank you. I got THREE text messages in reply, one of which said, “Next time how about making dinner?” He seems so intent on getting together to make dinner (I’m guessing at my place, since he and his kids live with his mum). I didn’t reply to that message. Then, later that night I get the following text:
“Before I head to bed. Gotta be up with the birds tomorrow morning.
Just wanted to say "you are truely an amazing woman. "
Oy.
This morning, I replied “Thanks. That’s very nice of you to say. TTYL.”
So, I am definitely NOT feeling the same way he seems to be feeling. I knew last night that I didn't feel anything for him because all I kept thinking as we were skating was, "I hope he doesn't try to hold my hand." That's not a good sign.
I don’t want to over-analyze things, and all I can do is be true to how I am feeling – about him, about myself, about how I want to feel – and right now I am not feeling it with him. He’s nice. There’s nothing “wrong” with him. I’m just not attracted to him.
My conundrum is how to tell him that. I can’t do that via e-mail or text – that’s just rude. Perhaps we could talk on the phone. My hesitation in telling him in person is the fact that he wants to get together to cook at my place, and I’d rather just meet for coffee and tell him in some neutral place. I’ve had this conversation before (with A several months ago), though that one was a bit different because I positioned it as not being ready to move forward after my last relationship. This time, it’s not about the fact that I’m not ready to move forward; he’s just not the guy I want to move forward with! And I can pretty much be sure that spending more time with him isn’t going to change that. I don’t want to string him along or get his hopes up. Or get tied up in a way that would prevent either of us from meeting the person we are meant to be with.
Sigh. I think a phone call is in order.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Add one more...
Now there's another guy named J. He also lives in the 905, but he doesn't have kids, so that's a bit easier to deal with. He's 42, 6'2", and (from his photo) looks to have more of a body-builder's physique than a runner's physique, even though he does run. I prefer that body type (though I don't like guys who are too muscle-bound). He's a bit shy (self-proclaimed), but expresses himself well in e-mail. He looks cute. On the surface, he seems more my "type" than M does, but until we meet in person, it's all speculation.
I also got a message from a guy (can't remember his name) that I haven't responded to yet. I think he's a runner, but I'm not attracted to him and he's too old (51 - and looks it from his photo). Plus, he looks to be one of those skinny/gaunt runner types that I'm not really attracted to. Shallow, I know.
My date with M is set for tomorrow. He is picking me up at 6PM to go skating, then to dinner. Personally, I think that 6PM is too late - by the time we get to dinner it will be after 8PM, I'm sure. We're going to The Keg, which is fine, but I don't know that a) I want to eat that much, and b) that I want him to spend that much money. I'm going to offer to split the bill. Can you feel the excitement in my voice??? Oy.
I also got a message from a guy (can't remember his name) that I haven't responded to yet. I think he's a runner, but I'm not attracted to him and he's too old (51 - and looks it from his photo). Plus, he looks to be one of those skinny/gaunt runner types that I'm not really attracted to. Shallow, I know.
My date with M is set for tomorrow. He is picking me up at 6PM to go skating, then to dinner. Personally, I think that 6PM is too late - by the time we get to dinner it will be after 8PM, I'm sure. We're going to The Keg, which is fine, but I don't know that a) I want to eat that much, and b) that I want him to spend that much money. I'm going to offer to split the bill. Can you feel the excitement in my voice??? Oy.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Date Number Two
So, I have a second date scheduled with M. We texted yesterday afternoon and he asked me to go skating on Saturday followed by dinner. I have mixed feelings about this:
- I'm happy to be going on a second date, skating is fun, dinner is fun. It will be good to see him again since that will give me a better sense of whether I am into him.
- He suggested cooking dinner for me at my place after skating, to which I replied, "Hmmm. Not sure about that" (because I'm not sure I want him to come over - I'm uncomfortable enough with the fact that he wants to pick me up, rather than just meeting there). Oh, and is it bad that when he texted: "Ceasar salad. Bruschetta. Pasta. Wine" my first thought was, "I don't like Ceasar salad."
- He's doing "all the right things" in how he is pursuing me.
- So far, I haven't felt any physical attraction to him. To answer Heather's question from my last post, it's not the fact that he is Chinese (culturally) that bothers me; I just don't find myself attracted to him. I suppose the fact that he is Chinese contributes to that, but it's not the main reason. I've found myself attracted to black guys and Indian guys in the past, but I don't think I've ever met an Asian guy who has turned me on. I have a few male Chinese and Japanese friends, and I've never been attracted to any of them.
- I'm worried, based on some comments he made while we were e-mailing (i.e., before we met), that he seems to be intent on pursuing me, and isn't interested in pursuing anyone else. I, on the other hand, want to keep things casual, keep my options open, go out with other guys, etc. For example, he was quite persistent in e-mailing me, even when I hadn't replied to one or two of his messages. I'd indicated that I was hesitent to date someone who had full custody of his kids and lived in Mississauga. Some things he's written:
"Obviously there is a mutual attraction or we wouldn't be at this point, so now to fill in some of the blanks to nudge you off the fence.....lol" [Um, where did he get the idea that there was mutual attraction?? Just because I replied to his e-mail doesn't imply attraction!]
"In a profile I had read sometime ago this person wrote, "the problem with POF is, that everyone is always looking for that one better." That thought has stuck with me for sometime now. I had to agree with that statement. There is so much choice out there on Pof that you get the feeling that the grass might just be a little greener with the next profile. I'll be honest, I've felt that way. I've had that What if feeling??? Well, I'd have to say I had that feeling up until the day I replied to your profile. I have no desire to seek greener pastures at the moment. At this point I'd say I've found a diamond in the rough so to speak. Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket just yet, heck we haven't even met yet, but I'd like to give this my best shot to get the opportunity to meet." [OK, this just scares me a little]
I guess I'm kind of feeling like the frog in the pot of hot water at the moment. I'm feeling under pressure to pursue and develop something that I'm just not sure is there for me, just because it is for him. I don't want to lead him on and have him spend all this money on me. I feel guilty about that.
So, I really don't know what to do. I will go skating on Saturday and try to be as open-minded as possible. But beyond that, I haven't a clue.
- I'm happy to be going on a second date, skating is fun, dinner is fun. It will be good to see him again since that will give me a better sense of whether I am into him.
- He suggested cooking dinner for me at my place after skating, to which I replied, "Hmmm. Not sure about that" (because I'm not sure I want him to come over - I'm uncomfortable enough with the fact that he wants to pick me up, rather than just meeting there). Oh, and is it bad that when he texted: "Ceasar salad. Bruschetta. Pasta. Wine" my first thought was, "I don't like Ceasar salad."
- He's doing "all the right things" in how he is pursuing me.
- So far, I haven't felt any physical attraction to him. To answer Heather's question from my last post, it's not the fact that he is Chinese (culturally) that bothers me; I just don't find myself attracted to him. I suppose the fact that he is Chinese contributes to that, but it's not the main reason. I've found myself attracted to black guys and Indian guys in the past, but I don't think I've ever met an Asian guy who has turned me on. I have a few male Chinese and Japanese friends, and I've never been attracted to any of them.
- I'm worried, based on some comments he made while we were e-mailing (i.e., before we met), that he seems to be intent on pursuing me, and isn't interested in pursuing anyone else. I, on the other hand, want to keep things casual, keep my options open, go out with other guys, etc. For example, he was quite persistent in e-mailing me, even when I hadn't replied to one or two of his messages. I'd indicated that I was hesitent to date someone who had full custody of his kids and lived in Mississauga. Some things he's written:
"Obviously there is a mutual attraction or we wouldn't be at this point, so now to fill in some of the blanks to nudge you off the fence.....lol" [Um, where did he get the idea that there was mutual attraction?? Just because I replied to his e-mail doesn't imply attraction!]
"In a profile I had read sometime ago this person wrote, "the problem with POF is, that everyone is always looking for that one better." That thought has stuck with me for sometime now. I had to agree with that statement. There is so much choice out there on Pof that you get the feeling that the grass might just be a little greener with the next profile. I'll be honest, I've felt that way. I've had that What if feeling??? Well, I'd have to say I had that feeling up until the day I replied to your profile. I have no desire to seek greener pastures at the moment. At this point I'd say I've found a diamond in the rough so to speak. Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket just yet, heck we haven't even met yet, but I'd like to give this my best shot to get the opportunity to meet." [OK, this just scares me a little]
I guess I'm kind of feeling like the frog in the pot of hot water at the moment. I'm feeling under pressure to pursue and develop something that I'm just not sure is there for me, just because it is for him. I don't want to lead him on and have him spend all this money on me. I feel guilty about that.
So, I really don't know what to do. I will go skating on Saturday and try to be as open-minded as possible. But beyond that, I haven't a clue.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Ranking
I was thinking about a ranking or scoring system for these first dates I am going on. The way I see it, dates can be rated on the following dimensions:
1. How closely he looked like his on-line photo or description (age, height, weight)
2. The venue or activity of the date
3. The ease of conversation
4. The intellectual chemistry (including sense of humour)
5. The physical chemistry (or what my friend CL says, "Can you see yourself sleeping with him?")
I don't know if those four things are equally weighted (because #4 and #5 are the two that make me decide if I want to pursue the relationship). And also because some of those things are related to each other.
Using this system, here is how I would rank last night's date with M:
1. He looked exactly like his photo and did not misrepresent his height/weight. 20points.
2. The venue/activity was good (hockey game), but not the best for having a conversation, so I'd give it 15/20.
3. Due to #2, it was hard to really get into a conversation. Score: 14/20.
4. Pretty good. 16/20.
5. This is the tough one. For now, I will give it a 12/20. I think the venue, etc. made it hard to really get to know him enough to feel any chemistry.
OK, wait a sec while I get out my calculator...
Score: 77
That's enough to warrant a second date, but I really need to see an increase in scores for #4 and #5 if I'm going to take it to a third date.
Plus, there are some intangibles, which kind of influence #4 & #5, like how he was dressed, how he spoke or ate, manners, etc. He did pretty well on those things. But I have to admit, I am still somewhat stuck over the fact that he is Chinese.
1. How closely he looked like his on-line photo or description (age, height, weight)
2. The venue or activity of the date
3. The ease of conversation
4. The intellectual chemistry (including sense of humour)
5. The physical chemistry (or what my friend CL says, "Can you see yourself sleeping with him?")
I don't know if those four things are equally weighted (because #4 and #5 are the two that make me decide if I want to pursue the relationship). And also because some of those things are related to each other.
Using this system, here is how I would rank last night's date with M:
1. He looked exactly like his photo and did not misrepresent his height/weight. 20points.
2. The venue/activity was good (hockey game), but not the best for having a conversation, so I'd give it 15/20.
3. Due to #2, it was hard to really get into a conversation. Score: 14/20.
4. Pretty good. 16/20.
5. This is the tough one. For now, I will give it a 12/20. I think the venue, etc. made it hard to really get to know him enough to feel any chemistry.
OK, wait a sec while I get out my calculator...
Score: 77
That's enough to warrant a second date, but I really need to see an increase in scores for #4 and #5 if I'm going to take it to a third date.
Plus, there are some intangibles, which kind of influence #4 & #5, like how he was dressed, how he spoke or ate, manners, etc. He did pretty well on those things. But I have to admit, I am still somewhat stuck over the fact that he is Chinese.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Teaser
Just a quick post to mention that I am going on a date with M tonight. He asked me to go to the hockey game. I am not optimistic about this one turning into anything romantic. I have a feeling that we'll have a pretty good "friend vibe" but that's about it.
Details to follow tomorrow...
Details to follow tomorrow...
Monday, January 04, 2010
What will the New Year bring?
I've been communicating with a few guys on-line. None of them really excite me all that much, and I'm not really that motivated to meet any of them in person. Here's a summary:
J: lives in Peterborough (strike #1). We've had some good e-mail banter, but haven't spoken live yet. Actually, I haven't heard from him since New Year's eve.
M: lives in Mississauga (strike #1) and has full custody of his two kids (strike #2 - only because of where he lives, not the kids themselves). He's also of a different ethnicity than mine, which (I have to be honest) is a concern (not a strike). He seems really interested in me, but I'm not so interested in him.
R2: lives in TO, has grown-up kids (not sure if that's a plus or a minus). His profile sounds great, but I am not attracted to his photos. He seems to say all the right things in his e-mail, but I just don't know.
I'm kind of down on the internet dating thing right now. I'm not thrilled by the idea of investing a lot of time communicating with guys on-line, only to find that I don't have any chemistry with them in person. And I'm not highly motivated to meet any of these guys in person any time soon, so I'm in a bit of a Catch-22 right now.
In a perfect world, I'd be invited to a dinner party and be seated next to a cute, single, interesting guy who was as interested in me as I was in him. I wouldn't have to compete for his attention with anyone else, so we could really get to know each other.
Oh, and he'd look like Bruce Willis or Hugh Dillon. ;)
J: lives in Peterborough (strike #1). We've had some good e-mail banter, but haven't spoken live yet. Actually, I haven't heard from him since New Year's eve.
M: lives in Mississauga (strike #1) and has full custody of his two kids (strike #2 - only because of where he lives, not the kids themselves). He's also of a different ethnicity than mine, which (I have to be honest) is a concern (not a strike). He seems really interested in me, but I'm not so interested in him.
R2: lives in TO, has grown-up kids (not sure if that's a plus or a minus). His profile sounds great, but I am not attracted to his photos. He seems to say all the right things in his e-mail, but I just don't know.
I'm kind of down on the internet dating thing right now. I'm not thrilled by the idea of investing a lot of time communicating with guys on-line, only to find that I don't have any chemistry with them in person. And I'm not highly motivated to meet any of these guys in person any time soon, so I'm in a bit of a Catch-22 right now.
In a perfect world, I'd be invited to a dinner party and be seated next to a cute, single, interesting guy who was as interested in me as I was in him. I wouldn't have to compete for his attention with anyone else, so we could really get to know each other.
Oh, and he'd look like Bruce Willis or Hugh Dillon. ;)
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