Meltdown

I had a bit of a meltdown last week.

Non-BF and I had a great time in Florida. Things were really easy between us - no disagreements, no awkwardness, no getting on each other's nerves... none of the normal kind of stuff that happens while travelling. We had a really great time.

We get back on the Friday night and I'm feeling really good about our relationship/friendship. I didn't talk to him much on the Saturday (we were both busy). He didn't come to run club on Sunday and I was busy the rest of the day. Finally we touched base on Sunday night. Turns out he had been with his other "friend" (S) on Saturday evening and most of the day Sunday. Hmmm. OK.

On Monday, I e-mail him to see if he wants to come on a trail run with some friends the following Saturday. He replies back that he can't as he's going out of town. Out of town? Where? Montreal. Montreal? What for? Oh, S is going there for business and she asked me to come along. You're going to MONTREAL?? MY HOMETOWN?? WITH HER???

I lost it (which, for me, means I shut down and stopped communicating, turning my anger inward).

Since he's my Non-BF (emphasis on the NON part), I don't have any claims on him, his time or whom he chooses to spend his time with. But I just could NOT deal with the fact that he was going away to Montreal for the weekend with S.

I don't really hold grudges and tend to get over stuff fairly quickly, as long as I've had a chance to wallow in self-pity and shed many tears. I think I cried myself to sleep three nights in a row over this. After that, I had calmed down a bit.

On Thursday, he came over to deliver my bike (his offer to pick up my bike at the shop was somewhat of a peace offering, I guess). Things were civil yet distant between us and he picked up on my coldness right away. When he finally called me on my behaviour, I broke down in tears in his arms. We talked about what was bothering me:

The thing is, I know that he's not the one for me (and that his heart is still on hold for someone else), but I just felt so threatened by the fact that I felt like he was pulling away from me by going away with S for the weekend. What I realized is that I have this huge void in my life that he had been filling (even though not entirely). A lot of the void was also masked by how busy I was all spring/summer with my Ironman training. But now that that's over, the void is this big gaping hole that I don't know what to do about.

I took a huge risk when I allowed myself to open up to him last winter. I had always prided myself on how independant I was and how I didn't "need" anyone. The downside is that once I allowed myself to open up and feel (and it actually felt very good, regardless of how much I felt exposed and vulnerable), I now also feel the loss since I don't have anyone to share that part of myself with (leaving me to feel even more exposed and vulnerable).

On the surface, I have a really great life, a home of my own, lots of great friends and many great experiences, but that's only the surface. Underneath I am unfulfilled, empty and lonely. None of those things matter to me without someone to share it with.

As much as I am still sad and hurting, I'm very glad that we were able to have such an honest convesation. He provided me with some valueable feedback and his perspective on things. I know that he has my best interests at heart and will do whatever he can to help me fulfill my dreams.

The other good thing is that I know I've been here before (about eight years ago, in fact) as I was going through my physical transformation. I felt a similar sense of exposure when I first started losing weight as I didn't have a layer of protection anymore. At the time, I thought I was going to lose my mind or just cry myself into oblivion. I didn't know who I was anymore. I didn't know if/when I'd ever get what I wanted. It was a really tough time.

But what I learned from that experience is that, no matter how hard times are, I will come through it. I will get what I want (even if it doesn't come in the form I think it will). So, I'm holding onto that knowledge, no matter how small or fragile a hope it might be. Because it's all I have right now.