And then there were none

My dating pool is now completely empty. Here's how things played out since Friday:

Friday, 10:18AM
Him: Would you like to go for coffee on Sunday...
11:15AM
Me: Sure. When and where? The afternoon is best for me.
5:40PM
Him: I wouldn't mind coming to (your neighbourhood)... The afternoon works for me...
5:45PM
Me: Be sure to pack a lunch for your journey ;) Give me a call and we can settle on a location/time.

Saturday - nothing.

Sunday, 11:30AM
Me: Good morning. What's the plan for this aft?

4:21PM
Him: Oh my gosh! I am sooo sorry, but I didn't think that we were on for today. :( I must have missed a text or voice mail from you... It's totally my fault I should have phoned you Friday after work.
=======================================

I have not replied to his last text. What's to reply to? Am I to say that it's no problem that he totally blew me off? That it's OK? That I'll make myself available (again) for him this week? No.

If he hadn't cancelled our previous date (by TEXT!!) the week before, I might have overlooked it. If he had actually CALLED ME at 4:20 yesterday instead of SENDING A TEXT, I might have given him another chance. But no; this is stupid.

I also know that it's a test of my new resolve not to be so damned accommodating. Any time I put something out there to the universe I always get tested on how serious I am about it.

So, with J out of the picture, I've managed to successfully exhaust my pool of potential dates. I've closed my two on-line accounts, so the pool isn't likely to be replenished any time soon.

I already have a cat - anyone know where I can get a moo-moo?

Two-day Rule

My sister and I had an interesting discussion last night. Something I've come to realize is that in an attempt to be less rigid, more spontaneous, and generally agreeable, I have also become overly-accommodating. This is a problem because it means that I am TOO easy-going, and don't put my foot down when something is important to me. Instead, I pretend like it isn't a big deal, and just stew about it internally.

This applies especially in my dating life. You all remember J, the one I was supposed to go running with on Monday and who TEXTED me late Sunday night to cancel? Well, I was VERY accommodating with him, telling him that it was no problem that he cancelled (BY TEXT!!) and that I was free next/this weekend. So, I hadn't actually heard from J all week and had pretty much written him off. My friend L suggested that perhaps he saw me as too available, thereby making me less marketable. He claims that guys like the hunt; they like the challenge of someone who is just a little bit out of their reach.

Back to the conversation with my sister... she asked me what I thought would be a reasonable lead time to expect from someone asking me out on a date. I said that two days would likely be reasonable (I know The Rules say not to accept a weekend date that is made after Wednesday, the theory being that it just means the guy has exhausted all his other potential dates and he's just getting around to you). But I hate The Rules, prefering to make my own rules. She suggested that I do just that - make my own rules - and then be diligent in applying them for the next six months to see what happens. I agreed to do that.

This morning, I was thinking about my new two-day rule - keeping J in mind, and wondering how I would handle it if he contacted me at the last minute to ask me out. Well, I got back from a meeting around 10:30 and lo and behold I had a text from him asking me if I'd like to get together for coffee on Sunday! Today is Friday... Saturday... Sunday... that's exactly TWO DAYS! Yay, I can accept the date! :)

So, I'm not sure what time or where we're meeting. His last text to me was at 11AM ["I'm free all day... I can come to you if you like. :)], which I replied to at 12:30. Still no reply. Hmpf.

Is Text the new "Post-it"?

Remember that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie's boyfriend breaks up with her via Post-it note? I wonder if text messaging is the new Post-it?

As you know, I was supposed to get together with J on Monday to go for a run. We hadn't spoken or e-mailed since our two-hour phone conversation on Wednesday, even though he said he'd call me over the weekend to confirm. By 10PM Sunday night I still hadn't heard from him and was beginning to wonder if I would. I mean, I've had guys say they were going to call who never did, but I didn't really expect that J would be "that guy." Then again, I did have a great conversation with a guy named M last year who then never called again, so who knows.

OK, so it's 10PM Sunday night and I get a vibe-vibe-beep on my Blackberry that a text has come through. Two of them, in fact. I've since deleted them, so I can't remember the exact wording, but basically he said that his day on Monday wasn't going to work out the way he thought (had to work later than anticipated) so could we put our run off until the following weekend. He also admitted in his text that a) it was late notice, and b) that it was coming by text, so he knew he was being lame.

I replied that it was fine with me, but that we could meet for a coffee instead of a run if that suited him better. The reason I proposed that was because I had sensed that maybe he wasn't so excited about running with me (insecure, is the feeling I got from him). He replied that either was fine. I said that my schedule for the week was pretty flexible, so to let me know when he wanted to reschedule. He replied, "That's awesome, thanks." My (final) reply to that (not that I was trying to have the last word), "Looking forward to finally meeting you in person. Have a good night." His reply: "You too..."

I know that I don't want to get into a situation where I have to "convince" someone that he wants to (or should want to) go out with me. I'm not going to play that game anymore - mostly for my own peace of mind than anything else. I just don't think it's good for me to go down the road of pining over someone who is not into me. If a guy wants to be with me then he's going to have to make an effort. I can be flexible. I can be understanding. And I am also extremely forgiving. But I also have limits.

So, as I said to a few of you via e-mail, I'm not holding my breath that I will hear from him. I am not saying that to be negative, but I just don't want to get my hopes up. I don't know what's going on in his head and in his life, so I have no clue if he's "just not that into me," if he's got something else going on with someone else, or if he just has other things going on in his life at the moment. And I really don't care!

All I know is that we had a date and he cancelled it. Via text.

One more kick at the can

Well, I said I was out of the dating game (and that's not entirely untrue, since I took down my on-line profiles), but I think I'm back for one more try.

J called me last night and we talked for two hours. Just to remind you of who J is, he's a guy I met on POF well over a month ago, but who was a very slow responder. Even after he gave me his e-mail address it was well over a week before I heard back from him.

The last I'd heard from him (last week) he said he would call me on Wednesday night, but he never did. We'd talked about getting together for a run, so I e-mailed him on Thursday to say that I was going away for the weekend. Finally yesterday I got an e-mail from him asking how my weekend was and saying that he'd call me that night.

Given that he'd said that the week before, I wasn't holding my breath. Well, he did call - and we talked on the phone for two hours last night! I was worried that the battery on my BB was going to die. Talking to him was really easy. He's got a nice voice and a good (but subtle) sense of humour. Luckily, I could pick up when he was joking about something, as sometimes subtlety can be lost on me.

What I learned about him:

* He's 42, 6'2" and 240 pounds. He says he's not overweight, but that he's about 20 pounds over his ideal weight. He likes to work out, so it's safe to assume that a lot of that is muscle. I like big guys, so that's fine with me.
* His BD is 8 days after mine, so he's also a Sagittarius.
* He was married once for a year, but they'd been together for 9 years in total. He's had at least one relationship since his divorce.
* He lives/works in Mississauga, grew up in Oakville, and has lived in Georgetown, Milton, and the States.
* He has an older sister who is my age.
* He has a cat (that he got around the same time I got Pepper) that he rescued. He found it in the middle of the road, it had been hit by a car (he almost hit it again himself), so he took it to an emergency vet. They said they didn't think she would live, but she did. They called him back a few days later and said he could take her home if he wanted, but that she'd likely be blind. Well, she eventually regained her eyesight and is fine now. She has a silly name like "Snuggles" or something like that.
* He runs! He's training for his first 1/2 Marathon in Mississauga in May. We run about the same pace, which is why I suggested we get together for a run.
* He used to work in the financial industry, but a few years ago packed it in because he didn't like the lifestyle. He felt he'd gotten too wrapped up in all the pressure of trading stocks, etc. Now he works as a personal support worker, which I'm assuming means he's some type of care-giver for people who cannot take care of themselves.

So, that's most of what I know about him. He did pass one of my litmus tests, which is that he asked me as much about myself as I did about him - it wasn't all one-sided like I've had in the past. I also really liked the fact that he wasn't trying to "sell himself" to me, the way that some of the guys I've dated recently have done. He's kind of like me in some ways.

He has to work this weekend (works every second weekend), so we have tentative plans to meet for a run on Monday afternoon (since it's a holiday). I said that I didn't have any firm plans for the weekend, so if he found himself with nothing to do and wanted to get together to give me a call. He said he'd call me before the weekend was over to confirm about Monday anyway.

That's it! I feel good about this one, but I'm not getting too far ahead of myself. The only potential issue I see is the fact that we live at complete opposite ends of the city (he in the far north west, me in the south east). He does work in the southern part of Mississauga, which is closer to me. I guess it's not really an issue, just something we'll have to plan around

To be the kind of person who...

Recently I read a quote that stuck with me. It was unrelated to dating, but I could see how it might apply, given some tweaking: “Be the kind of person who takes supplements, but don’t.” For the record, that comes from Michael Pollan’s new book, Food Rules. His theory is that people who take supplements generally take better care of their health, are more mindful of the quality of what they eat, and are therefore healthier. They don’t “have” to take supplements (because they get all the nutrition they need from the variety of food they eat), but they are the type of person who would.

This linking of the original quote to its application in the dating world came about through a discussion with my cousin, J, who is artistic in nature, loves film, video, music, fashion, etc. But she says that dating people in those areas is really frustrating because jobs in those industries are so unpredictable and have brutal schedules. She once tried dating a chef she met on a catering job, but it didn’t work out because he was always working when she wasn’t. What I said to her was, “So, you want to date someone who would work in film, but doesn’t.”

Her reply: “That’s it, exactly!”

So, in the age-old question posed to me regarding what kind of guy I’m interested in, I’d have to say that he fits the following:

He’s the kind of person who could build a house, but doesn’t. He’s the kind of person who could be a Sommelier, Chef or Art Dealer, but isn’t. He could ride his bike across the country, but won’t. He could be a CEO, but isn't.

What those things have in common is that they describe some qualities I am looking for (handy around the house, appreciates food/wine/art, is physically active, smart, career-oriented), but who is just a regular guy who has a wide variety of interests, but is not consumed by the lifestyle that often accompanies those interests (especially if it’s his profession).

In a way, someone like me! Except for the house-building part. I wouldn’t want to be a chef or own a restaurant because it would take over my life, leaving little room for anything (or anyone) else. I also choose to have a career that allows me to have the work/life balance I want.

On a break

Update on R: We're done, before it even got going. After a frustrating weekend where we never seemed to be able to connect, we finally met for a late dinner on Sunday. I just didn't have it in me to go there again. I hated the way I'd been feeling the last couple of days, and I didn't see how things were ever going to change. Part of that was due to his own unwillingness to change or to see things from my POV. The thing that really bugged me, though, is that he's making this out to be MY failing. What is it about men who are unwilling to accept responsibility for the part they play in the failure of the relationship?

Update on dating in general: I've taken my profile down. I have four messages from guys in whom I have no interest sitting in my mailbox and I'm not going to reply to any of them. I'm not going to accept M's friend request on FB and if he calls/e-mails me again, I am not going to respond. There is also J, a guy I've e-mailed off the site that I haven't heard back from yet (he's a slow responder at the best of times). If I hear from him, I'll see where that goes, but after that I'm done.

I just can't do this anymore.

Something old, something new

I got an e-mail from M (the guy I had the friends talk with) asking if I had time to get together to talk about triathlon. Hmmmm, OK. I said I was busy every night, but free during the day over the weekend, so we are meeting on Sunday afternoon. In my mind, he’s beating a dead horse. There is NOTHING he can do to change my mind and make me interested in dating him. I’ve told him that I’m not interested in him as anything more than a friend (and even that was a stretch – I really don’t see us ever “hanging out” on a regular basis). But I will still go and meet him for coffee.

I’ve also been communicating with J. We’ve exchanged a few e-mails (off the dating site) and I suggested we get together for a run. I haven't heard back yet. He lives in Mississauga (oy!) and is a runner, training for the half in May. He’s cute (from his photo), tall (6’2”) and looks to be pretty solidly built – definitely my type.

My other update (some, but not all of you know this) is that my ex, R, and I have been communicating again. It started last Friday when I sent him an e-mail with a link to a house listing. He called me that night and we talked for over an hour. It was good. Then on Monday I saw that he'd replied to my Friday e-mail (after I'd left for the day), so I did reply to that. There were some very racy e-mails exchanged, and then he called me again on Monday night and had another good long talk. We planned to get together on Thursday (last night). Well, an issue came up with his daughter and he had to spend the evening with her, so our plans were foiled. The last I heard from him last night was that we'd try to get together for lunch today.

I haven’t heard from him yet, so I have my running gear with me to head to the gym at lunch in case those plans fall through.

I think I'm going into this with a level head, not forgetting all the problems we had, but looking at it from the perspective of seeing if we have any common ground to move forward. I don't want to go back to what we had. I'm clear on what I need, and what I'm willing to give. If we can figure out a way that we can both get what we need, then great. If not, them I'm fine knowing that I did all I could to see if it could work.

The Talk

Well, it took me almost an hour of chit-chat with him on the phone before I got the courage up to give him the "just friends" talk, but I did it. It went fine.

My objective going in was to simply tell him how I was feeling, without projecting anything on him, and also allowing him to save face if he is in fact interested in more that just a friendship with me.

I started off by saying that I was very touched by the message he sent me the other night saying that he thought I was a truly amazing woman. I told him that I thought he was pretty amazing himself, stepping up and taking on his kids full time when their mother left. I wanted him to know that I respected him for that. He really is a quality guy.

Then I told him that I had learned a lot from my last relationship, one thing being that it's always best to put your cards on the table with the other person as early as possible so that neither one is wondering how the other one is feeling. So I said that what I was feeling right now was more of a friendship than anything else. I said that I didn't see it developing into anything more at this point and that I wanted him to know that so that he could decide how he wanted to proceed.

Actually, I think I might have said, "Maybe I will, maybe I won't" which in retrospect I wish I hadn't said because that might give him a little glimmer of hope that if he's persistent that he can win me over. That's the only thing I regret about the conversation.

He said he was fine with that, that he's always looking to make more friends and broaden his social circle, so I think he got it.

Oh, he also told me that he Googled me and found the article that was written about me a few years ago about my weight-loss journey. That bugged me just a little bit, but I know that we're in the information age, so it's to be expected. I could never Google him because he has a very common name (his last name being probably the MOST common Chinese name) and shares it with a provincial MPP and cabinet minister.

Well, that's it for now. I was excited to see that I got a message from J, another guy I'd been communicating with. It was a bit of a let-down because it was just a one-line reply to a question I asked him, nothing more. I also got a message from a guy named D, but he has a few strikes against him: 49, 5'7" and lives in Newmarket.

Good, but...

OK, I know I owe you all a date report from Saturday. Here it is:

M picked me up at 6PM. He called me at 6PM sharp to say he was downstairs. I went down, gave him a hug, he took my skates and I got into the car (he closed the door for me).

As we were driving, he said, “I checked the web site for skating and there is a DJ playing after 8PM so I thought we’d go to dinner first, then skating.” Oh, OK. I thought we’d do it the other way around, but no big deal. The drive down was fine, we had to wait about half an hour for a table, but we just sat and talked. He told me about how his kids never see their mum as she moved out west and has little contact with them.

Dinner was good. Conversation was good. After dinner, we got our skates from the car and walked down to the skating rink. It was PACKED with people. It was tough to really skate because it was so crowded. But we managed OK. I don’t know how long we skated in total. We took one break because my back was sore. Then I said that I was pretty much done (I’m sore in about a million places from all the workouts I’ve done in the last week). We put on our boots and then walked back to the car. We had a nice chat and he told me more about how his wife left (2 years ago) and how he lost his house as a result. He didn’t sound bitter (actually, now that I think about it, he didn’t really show any emotion at all).

The drive home was fine. He asked me questions about my life and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. As we got close to my place, he asked if I wanted to go for coffee. I said that I was starting to fade and that I’d prefer to just go home. When he dropped me off, I gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek.

Yesterday, I sent him a text to say thank you. I got THREE text messages in reply, one of which said, “Next time how about making dinner?” He seems so intent on getting together to make dinner (I’m guessing at my place, since he and his kids live with his mum). I didn’t reply to that message. Then, later that night I get the following text:

“Before I head to bed. Gotta be up with the birds tomorrow morning.
Just wanted to say "you are truely an amazing woman. "

Oy.

This morning, I replied “Thanks. That’s very nice of you to say. TTYL.”

So, I am definitely NOT feeling the same way he seems to be feeling. I knew last night that I didn't feel anything for him because all I kept thinking as we were skating was, "I hope he doesn't try to hold my hand." That's not a good sign.

I don’t want to over-analyze things, and all I can do is be true to how I am feeling – about him, about myself, about how I want to feel – and right now I am not feeling it with him. He’s nice. There’s nothing “wrong” with him. I’m just not attracted to him.

My conundrum is how to tell him that. I can’t do that via e-mail or text – that’s just rude. Perhaps we could talk on the phone. My hesitation in telling him in person is the fact that he wants to get together to cook at my place, and I’d rather just meet for coffee and tell him in some neutral place. I’ve had this conversation before (with A several months ago), though that one was a bit different because I positioned it as not being ready to move forward after my last relationship. This time, it’s not about the fact that I’m not ready to move forward; he’s just not the guy I want to move forward with! And I can pretty much be sure that spending more time with him isn’t going to change that. I don’t want to string him along or get his hopes up. Or get tied up in a way that would prevent either of us from meeting the person we are meant to be with.

Sigh. I think a phone call is in order.

Add one more...

Now there's another guy named J. He also lives in the 905, but he doesn't have kids, so that's a bit easier to deal with. He's 42, 6'2", and (from his photo) looks to have more of a body-builder's physique than a runner's physique, even though he does run. I prefer that body type (though I don't like guys who are too muscle-bound). He's a bit shy (self-proclaimed), but expresses himself well in e-mail. He looks cute. On the surface, he seems more my "type" than M does, but until we meet in person, it's all speculation.

I also got a message from a guy (can't remember his name) that I haven't responded to yet. I think he's a runner, but I'm not attracted to him and he's too old (51 - and looks it from his photo). Plus, he looks to be one of those skinny/gaunt runner types that I'm not really attracted to. Shallow, I know.

My date with M is set for tomorrow. He is picking me up at 6PM to go skating, then to dinner. Personally, I think that 6PM is too late - by the time we get to dinner it will be after 8PM, I'm sure. We're going to The Keg, which is fine, but I don't know that a) I want to eat that much, and b) that I want him to spend that much money. I'm going to offer to split the bill. Can you feel the excitement in my voice??? Oy.