Good god, will this heat ever end?? Thank god for Banana Boat 30SPF Waterproof Sport Sunblock!
I drove up to Peterborough today to watch my friends compete in the Half-Ironman and Sprint triathlons. In case you're wondering, a Half-IM is a 2000m swim followed by a 90K bike and a 21.1K run. The sprint race was 750m swim, 20K bike and 5K run.
There's something wrong with the fact that I got up earlier both days of the weekend than I often do during the week! I was up just after 5:30AM and on the road by just after 6AM. After grabbing a coffee to go, I drove the 75 minutes northeast to Peterborough. I managed to find all my friends and wish them luck on their races.
While the athletes were out on their bikes, I hooked up with two friends to go for a 90-minute run. It was insanely hot and sunny and there wasn't a spec of shade on the route. We got to see some of the bikers and runners along the way and cheered and shouted encouragement to them. I was very glad to be done my run. We were actually out for 1:38 as we walked a bit more on the way back. I figure we ran about 14K.
When I got back from the run I found some shade near the finish line and just sat there and waited for people to come in. When I did venture out into the sun, I couldn't believe how hot it had gotten and can't imagine that people were running that far in that heat. Their medals were well deserved today!
My friend CL was doing the sprint. She informed me the other night that she had looked up my results from when I had done that race back in 2002. Although she didn't say so, I think she was hoping to beat my time. Well, I am happy to report that she did not! And I'm not even secretly happy about that: I'm overtly ecstatic! Our swim and run times were within seconds of each other, but where she lost a lot of time to me was on the bike and in transition. I only beat her by 3-4 minutes in total (I was 1:29, she was 1:33), but I'll take it. It's just a matter of time before she's able to beat me - as long as it's not this year! Ha ha.
I went to a friend's parents' place for a BBQ after the race and that was quite nice. I expected the drive home to be nasty with traffic, but it really wasn't that bad. I just turned up the tunes and sang all the way home!
Back to the old grind tomorrow. Blech!
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Saturday, July 09, 2005
Great Ride!
I had planned to ride about 75K today. I have a race next weekend and wanted to get a longer ride in this week because next weekend's race is rather short. I wasn't sure who was going to show up for the ride as many people are up in Peterborough for the race tomorrow. In the end, I rode with my dear friend JD and another friend of his. It was so nice to ride a new route and to have someone else plan the route for a change. He said that we were going to ride for 3 hours, which is what I had hoped to do, so it was perfect.
We ended up riding all the way up to the Holland Marsh, which is this beautiful piece of rich, dark, land where there are vegetable farms as far as the eye can see. The route was lovely as we had some rolling hills and a fairly shady route, which was nice. On the way back, we took an unfamiliar road, which ended up turning into dirt. We figured it would be OK for a short time as long as there weren't any big hills. Finally, the road turned back to pavement but it was a mixed blessing as there was this HUGE winding hill in front of us. JD's bike computer said that it was a 16% grade, which is just NASTY! I struggled to the top and got my HR up to 170 (my max on the bike is 177), so I was pushing hard. After a second steep climb, we were rewarded with a lovely long downhill that I just hammered. In the end, we actually covered just over 80K in 3:22 riding time, so that was perfect.
Towards the end of the ride I started to develop a stitch in my side that was quite painful. Normally, I would run after my ride but the stitch was still there, so I decided not to.
We then went to Tim's for coffee and bagels, which was great. I took a nice long shower as soon as I got home and now I'm just vegging on the couch.
I have to go out shortly to buy a new cell phone as mine ended up going through the wash the other night. Aaargh! I think it's dried out enough that I'll be able to retrieve the key phone numbers, but I'll need a whole new phone as I tried actually using the phone to make a call and it went all wonky. Drats!
I don't really have any plans for this evening. I have to get up early and be on the road by 6AM because I'm driving up to Peterborough tomorrow morning to watch my friends race. After the race, I'm invited to a BBQ at a friend's place whose parents live up there.
I'm just finishing up watching today's stage of the Tour on tape from this morning. It's the first mountain stage, so it should be good. Tomorrow's will be even better!
We ended up riding all the way up to the Holland Marsh, which is this beautiful piece of rich, dark, land where there are vegetable farms as far as the eye can see. The route was lovely as we had some rolling hills and a fairly shady route, which was nice. On the way back, we took an unfamiliar road, which ended up turning into dirt. We figured it would be OK for a short time as long as there weren't any big hills. Finally, the road turned back to pavement but it was a mixed blessing as there was this HUGE winding hill in front of us. JD's bike computer said that it was a 16% grade, which is just NASTY! I struggled to the top and got my HR up to 170 (my max on the bike is 177), so I was pushing hard. After a second steep climb, we were rewarded with a lovely long downhill that I just hammered. In the end, we actually covered just over 80K in 3:22 riding time, so that was perfect.
Towards the end of the ride I started to develop a stitch in my side that was quite painful. Normally, I would run after my ride but the stitch was still there, so I decided not to.
We then went to Tim's for coffee and bagels, which was great. I took a nice long shower as soon as I got home and now I'm just vegging on the couch.
I have to go out shortly to buy a new cell phone as mine ended up going through the wash the other night. Aaargh! I think it's dried out enough that I'll be able to retrieve the key phone numbers, but I'll need a whole new phone as I tried actually using the phone to make a call and it went all wonky. Drats!
I don't really have any plans for this evening. I have to get up early and be on the road by 6AM because I'm driving up to Peterborough tomorrow morning to watch my friends race. After the race, I'm invited to a BBQ at a friend's place whose parents live up there.
I'm just finishing up watching today's stage of the Tour on tape from this morning. It's the first mountain stage, so it should be good. Tomorrow's will be even better!
Friday, July 08, 2005
Dreams
Most of the time, dreams are very confounding and confusing. And I often wonder what precipitated the dream; in other words, what events occurred in my conscious mind that I needed to process in some way in my unconscious mind?
Yesterday evening I was out with my extended family for a birthday celebration. As a result of hanging out with people of a certain age, the conversation always seems to come back around to the “good old days.” My father, who passed away 28 years ago, is often a subject of discussion, especially for my uncle who clearly is always living in the past. Anyway, so my dad had been brought into my consciousness last night. The other thing that happened was that we waited quite a long time for my uncle to arrive at dinner (to the point where we were getting a little concerned). Anyway, he arrived and all was fine. But here’s how those events played into my dreams last night:
I’m not exactly sure where we were or even who I was with. It was some kind of event or meeting in some kind of public place. I was probably with a combination of friends and family, each one morphing into one another as so often happens in my dreams. The part I do remember is that we were all waiting for someone to arrive. Although I don’t remember the context or the actual person, there was someone who was disappointed that her father had not come to see her do her first triathlon (although not me in the dream, clearly this was meant to represent me) and we were all agreeing what a horrible person he was for not showing up.
The gist of the rest of the dream was that I (along with others) was waiting for my father to arrive. He was bringing someone with him, but I can’t remember who it was. We were all standing around waiting and were worried as to why he was so late. I don’t remember all the specifics, but I do remember feeling anxious in my dream about seeing him. As I started to process the significance of seeing someone I had not seen in 28 years, the anxiety began to grow a bit. There was no awareness or mention about the fact that he was (or had been) dead; he had just been away for a very long time. I wondered what kind of car he’d be driving; surely it wouldn’t be the same one he was driving 30 years ago! And would I even recognize him after all this time? What would I say to him? What would we talk about? Would he already know about all the things I had done over the last 28 years? And who was this person he was bringing with him?
I’m not even aware if my mother was around during all of this. She may have been, but there was no significance to whether she was there or not; she didn’t factor into this at all. As the hour drew later, we started to get concerned because they were beginning to lock the doors of the place we were at and we thought that if he didn’t arrive soon he wouldn’t be able to get in or to find us. Eventually, I decided to leave. I got in a car and started to drive, thinking that the others would catch up, including my father. That’s when I started to worry that I wouldn’t know what kind of car he was driving. And then my mother did factor into things here when I realized that she was driving a rented or borrowed car and I wouldn’t recognize it on the road.
The dream deteriorated at this point where I cannot recall any more of it. Suffice it to say that the meeting between my father and me never materialized.
So, now comes the deconstruction of the dream: What the heck am I waiting for? It’s almost like waiting has become my raison d’être over the last 28 years of my life. I’ve written previously about my penchant for “waiting for the other shoe to drop,” but this is a new spin on the waiting theme. Who am I waiting for? What am I waiting for? Why am I waiting for it? Maybe if I could figure out the Who and/or the What, I might be able to figure out the Why…
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I rode to/from work today - man was it windy this afternoon! I met CL and we went for a 6K run and planned to go for an easy swim afterwards. Unfortunately, the pool was closed. So we ate instead (of course!). God forbid we should actually burn some calories without replacing them. I had a slice of pizza from Mama's (yummmmm), a can of Limonata (mmmmmm) and to top it all off, a scoop of Creme Brulee ice cream from Ed's. Oh yes, no sense in burning calories when you can replace them twofold! Ha!
Nothing exciting happened in the Tour today. Lance is still in yellow. The first mountain stage starts tomorrow, so there should be some movement in the overall classification. I'll be doing a measely 75K in comparison to the 200+K that those guys will be doing. Ha!
I got my hair cut this afternoon. It was a new stylist for me. I always just go to the place that is the most convenient where I can make an appointment the day of or the day before. He did a really nice job and an awesome blowout, but then he kind of ruined it by putting in a bit too much finishing product which made it look a little greasy. Anyway, it's all ruined now as I ran this evening and was wearing a hat. Hopefully I'll be able to replicate the look myself (minus all the product, that is).
Yesterday evening I was out with my extended family for a birthday celebration. As a result of hanging out with people of a certain age, the conversation always seems to come back around to the “good old days.” My father, who passed away 28 years ago, is often a subject of discussion, especially for my uncle who clearly is always living in the past. Anyway, so my dad had been brought into my consciousness last night. The other thing that happened was that we waited quite a long time for my uncle to arrive at dinner (to the point where we were getting a little concerned). Anyway, he arrived and all was fine. But here’s how those events played into my dreams last night:
I’m not exactly sure where we were or even who I was with. It was some kind of event or meeting in some kind of public place. I was probably with a combination of friends and family, each one morphing into one another as so often happens in my dreams. The part I do remember is that we were all waiting for someone to arrive. Although I don’t remember the context or the actual person, there was someone who was disappointed that her father had not come to see her do her first triathlon (although not me in the dream, clearly this was meant to represent me) and we were all agreeing what a horrible person he was for not showing up.
The gist of the rest of the dream was that I (along with others) was waiting for my father to arrive. He was bringing someone with him, but I can’t remember who it was. We were all standing around waiting and were worried as to why he was so late. I don’t remember all the specifics, but I do remember feeling anxious in my dream about seeing him. As I started to process the significance of seeing someone I had not seen in 28 years, the anxiety began to grow a bit. There was no awareness or mention about the fact that he was (or had been) dead; he had just been away for a very long time. I wondered what kind of car he’d be driving; surely it wouldn’t be the same one he was driving 30 years ago! And would I even recognize him after all this time? What would I say to him? What would we talk about? Would he already know about all the things I had done over the last 28 years? And who was this person he was bringing with him?
I’m not even aware if my mother was around during all of this. She may have been, but there was no significance to whether she was there or not; she didn’t factor into this at all. As the hour drew later, we started to get concerned because they were beginning to lock the doors of the place we were at and we thought that if he didn’t arrive soon he wouldn’t be able to get in or to find us. Eventually, I decided to leave. I got in a car and started to drive, thinking that the others would catch up, including my father. That’s when I started to worry that I wouldn’t know what kind of car he was driving. And then my mother did factor into things here when I realized that she was driving a rented or borrowed car and I wouldn’t recognize it on the road.
The dream deteriorated at this point where I cannot recall any more of it. Suffice it to say that the meeting between my father and me never materialized.
So, now comes the deconstruction of the dream: What the heck am I waiting for? It’s almost like waiting has become my raison d’être over the last 28 years of my life. I’ve written previously about my penchant for “waiting for the other shoe to drop,” but this is a new spin on the waiting theme. Who am I waiting for? What am I waiting for? Why am I waiting for it? Maybe if I could figure out the Who and/or the What, I might be able to figure out the Why…
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I rode to/from work today - man was it windy this afternoon! I met CL and we went for a 6K run and planned to go for an easy swim afterwards. Unfortunately, the pool was closed. So we ate instead (of course!). God forbid we should actually burn some calories without replacing them. I had a slice of pizza from Mama's (yummmmm), a can of Limonata (mmmmmm) and to top it all off, a scoop of Creme Brulee ice cream from Ed's. Oh yes, no sense in burning calories when you can replace them twofold! Ha!
Nothing exciting happened in the Tour today. Lance is still in yellow. The first mountain stage starts tomorrow, so there should be some movement in the overall classification. I'll be doing a measely 75K in comparison to the 200+K that those guys will be doing. Ha!
I got my hair cut this afternoon. It was a new stylist for me. I always just go to the place that is the most convenient where I can make an appointment the day of or the day before. He did a really nice job and an awesome blowout, but then he kind of ruined it by putting in a bit too much finishing product which made it look a little greasy. Anyway, it's all ruined now as I ran this evening and was wearing a hat. Hopefully I'll be able to replicate the look myself (minus all the product, that is).
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Day off!
Gotta love the day off! And I mean a day off from training. And notice that I didn’t say “working out”. Although I don’t have a motivation issue where exercise is concerned, I find it helpful to be mindful of the language that I use to describe things [Note: watch out all of you who have used the word “loser” or “failure” in your blogs lately – I’m coming after you!].
The term “working out” has such negative connotations for me. It signifies pain and discomfort and punishment. The term “training” has so much more of a positive spin to it: “I’m training for triathlon,” or, “I’m training for a healthier, fitter body.” Doesn’t that sound so much better?
OK, when you’re dragging your ass to the gym and you truly don’t want to go, I can see that one might see this as merely semantics, but it works for me.
Training also implies that you are working to achieve a goal, rather than just doing the work for the work’s sake. It makes the goal a lot more tangible. Although on that note, I would say that having some other goal, rather than “losing X pounds” is more rewarding and less prone to setbacks.
So, today is my day off from training and it was well earned. I kind of like having my day off being a Thursday – that way I get a little mini-break in the middle of the week. Most people take Monday off since the weekends are usually heavy training days. But I would struggle to get through the week if I didn’t have Thursday to look forward to. And I would never consider taking a weekend off as that’s where all the fun training is! This week, I’m going to ride 75K on Saturday and run for 90 minutes on Sunday (although I’m not sure when I’m going to fit that in as I’m going up to Peterborough to watch some friends race on Sunday).
And what am I doing on my day off? Well, I’m eating cookies, that’s what I’m doing! And not just one cookie… three of them! There was a little going-away party for a co-worker and cookies were ordered. I had one (chocolate chip). Then after the party I took “one for the road” (oatmeal raisin). Then, about 2 hours later, I went back for a third (some kind of nut thing). Damn you, vile cookies! Aargh! But they were very good (although not as good as the home-made ones I ate all last weekend). Give me anything with flour, sugar, eggs, butter and chocolate and I go weak in the knees. I always succumb to temptation. I don’t know why those things have such power over me, although I would suspect that for the most part it’s simply a result of boredom. I did have a healthy breakfast, snack and lunch. It was just those damned cookies taunting me that I couldn’t resist.
This evening, I went out for dinner with my extended family, and I wasn't very good about not overindulging. But calories don't count when you eat them off someone else's plate, right?
I’ve made an appointment to get my hair cut tomorrow afternoon. It’s looking like a big ol’ mess right now, so it’s just in time. But I’m going to a new place since it’s right downstairs from the office and I don’t have any time to go any other time. The timing is not ideal as I’ll be riding my bike to/from work tomorrow and going for a swim after work, so my hair will look like crap within an hour of it being done! Oh well…
Tour update: There was a big crash towards the end of today’s stage. Luckily, Lance managed to stay out of it, but one of his rivals was able to make up some time on him. No worries… the mountains are coming in a couple of days.
The term “working out” has such negative connotations for me. It signifies pain and discomfort and punishment. The term “training” has so much more of a positive spin to it: “I’m training for triathlon,” or, “I’m training for a healthier, fitter body.” Doesn’t that sound so much better?
OK, when you’re dragging your ass to the gym and you truly don’t want to go, I can see that one might see this as merely semantics, but it works for me.
Training also implies that you are working to achieve a goal, rather than just doing the work for the work’s sake. It makes the goal a lot more tangible. Although on that note, I would say that having some other goal, rather than “losing X pounds” is more rewarding and less prone to setbacks.
So, today is my day off from training and it was well earned. I kind of like having my day off being a Thursday – that way I get a little mini-break in the middle of the week. Most people take Monday off since the weekends are usually heavy training days. But I would struggle to get through the week if I didn’t have Thursday to look forward to. And I would never consider taking a weekend off as that’s where all the fun training is! This week, I’m going to ride 75K on Saturday and run for 90 minutes on Sunday (although I’m not sure when I’m going to fit that in as I’m going up to Peterborough to watch some friends race on Sunday).
And what am I doing on my day off? Well, I’m eating cookies, that’s what I’m doing! And not just one cookie… three of them! There was a little going-away party for a co-worker and cookies were ordered. I had one (chocolate chip). Then after the party I took “one for the road” (oatmeal raisin). Then, about 2 hours later, I went back for a third (some kind of nut thing). Damn you, vile cookies! Aargh! But they were very good (although not as good as the home-made ones I ate all last weekend). Give me anything with flour, sugar, eggs, butter and chocolate and I go weak in the knees. I always succumb to temptation. I don’t know why those things have such power over me, although I would suspect that for the most part it’s simply a result of boredom. I did have a healthy breakfast, snack and lunch. It was just those damned cookies taunting me that I couldn’t resist.
This evening, I went out for dinner with my extended family, and I wasn't very good about not overindulging. But calories don't count when you eat them off someone else's plate, right?
I’ve made an appointment to get my hair cut tomorrow afternoon. It’s looking like a big ol’ mess right now, so it’s just in time. But I’m going to a new place since it’s right downstairs from the office and I don’t have any time to go any other time. The timing is not ideal as I’ll be riding my bike to/from work tomorrow and going for a swim after work, so my hair will look like crap within an hour of it being done! Oh well…
Tour update: There was a big crash towards the end of today’s stage. Luckily, Lance managed to stay out of it, but one of his rivals was able to make up some time on him. No worries… the mountains are coming in a couple of days.
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Enough with the mushy stuff...
It's time for some hard core workout stats (yeah!!!). Ahem.
Man-o-man was it tough to drag my ass out of bed this morning. The alarm went off and I started to make little bargains with myself. But I knew that I wouldn't have any other window of opportunity to get my run in today, so I really had to go. I rode to the gym (a new best time for me: 18 minutes) and then ran on the treadmill for 30-35 minutes. I started off at 5.7mph, cruised for most of it at 6mph and then stepped it up in the end to 6.4mph. In the end, I covered 3 miles in just under 30 minutes.
Work was work. I rode home after work and tried to keep up with this guy on a road bike ahead of me. We were actually going about the same pace, but he got off like a shot when the lights turned green, so I was never able to keep up with him (although I always seemed to catch him at the lights).
My clinic was doing its first open water swim this evening. Yes, folks, we swam in the murky waters of Lake Ontario! I've actually swam in the lake a few times before, but never right here in the city. It was actually pretty good. It smelled a bit of fish at first, but then it was fine. I was actually a bit stressed trying to keep tabs on all the people in my group to make sure that we didn't lose anyone.
After the clinic, I joined up with my friend SM and we went over to The Lion to meet up with the rest of our usual run group for wings, nachos and beer. Definitely not the best food choices, but it was all there was going and I was starving.
Tomorrow is my one day off from exercise this week. Woo hoo! I can't really sleep in, though, because I have to get to work early to "study" for the stuff I'm going to be teaching. I'm doing laundry after work and then meeting my extended family for a BD dinner for my aunt. Then it's back to the craziness of my workout schedule.
Man-o-man was it tough to drag my ass out of bed this morning. The alarm went off and I started to make little bargains with myself. But I knew that I wouldn't have any other window of opportunity to get my run in today, so I really had to go. I rode to the gym (a new best time for me: 18 minutes) and then ran on the treadmill for 30-35 minutes. I started off at 5.7mph, cruised for most of it at 6mph and then stepped it up in the end to 6.4mph. In the end, I covered 3 miles in just under 30 minutes.
Work was work. I rode home after work and tried to keep up with this guy on a road bike ahead of me. We were actually going about the same pace, but he got off like a shot when the lights turned green, so I was never able to keep up with him (although I always seemed to catch him at the lights).
My clinic was doing its first open water swim this evening. Yes, folks, we swam in the murky waters of Lake Ontario! I've actually swam in the lake a few times before, but never right here in the city. It was actually pretty good. It smelled a bit of fish at first, but then it was fine. I was actually a bit stressed trying to keep tabs on all the people in my group to make sure that we didn't lose anyone.
After the clinic, I joined up with my friend SM and we went over to The Lion to meet up with the rest of our usual run group for wings, nachos and beer. Definitely not the best food choices, but it was all there was going and I was starving.
Tomorrow is my one day off from exercise this week. Woo hoo! I can't really sleep in, though, because I have to get to work early to "study" for the stuff I'm going to be teaching. I'm doing laundry after work and then meeting my extended family for a BD dinner for my aunt. Then it's back to the craziness of my workout schedule.
The Dilemma
Finally, the post you've all been waiting for. Hope it doesn't disappoint... More workout and food drivel to follow later after my swim.
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So, I got an invitation to P&J’s wedding reception on August 6th and now I am faced with a dilemma: The invitation said, “La and guest.” Ugh. Who the hell am I going to take as a guest?? I hate going to weddings by myself. Granted, I’ll know a bunch of people there, but it will still suck to be there alone with an implied, if not actual, empty chair beside me.
I do have a couple of male friends that I could ask (one of whom actually knows the couple getting married, although not well enough to be invited to the wedding himself), but I really don’t know if I want to go down that road.
You see, without going into detail here (as I’ve been burned by disclosing too much detail about my love life on-line), even though I am friends with them now, I have a bit of a history with both of these guys and I don’t know if it would be a good idea to ask either of them just so that I would have a date for the wedding.
I have also imagined some Worst-Case Scenarios (WCS) that could play out if I were to ask each of them and I don’t know if I’m willing to risk those possible outcomes. And imagining those WCS isn’t my way of letting fear be my guide, it’s about giving myself the kick-in-the-pants to remind myself that it’s not in my best interest to get too emotionally wrapped up in either of these guys again. And what I mean by that is not getting myself emotionally wrapped up in a guy who is not interested in me as anything more than a friend.
But, is assuming WCS anything like crossing your bridges twice? No, I don’t think so. If I were stressing about it and making myself sick then it would be. I’m just giving myself a reality check.
I am totally over Guy A. We’re friends who run into each other from time to time in group social situations and that’s cool. Guy B is a different story because for some reason I can’t just give it up and forget about him and move on, even though it’s entirely clear to me that he is not interested in me as anything more than a friend. Somehow I managed to get over it with Guy A (and I got totally burned by him, so if I could get over that, I can get over anything), so why can’t I do it with Guy B?
I think part of it is proximity. I don’t see Guy A on a regular basis and he’s not on my daily radar screen. Even when I saw him a couple of times recently, I didn’t feel the same kind of attraction for him that I had in the past. I also got a chance to do something with him that people wish for all the time: get closure. I think that part of it where he is concerned is that I really do know that he is not the right guy for me because I am not going to get what I need from him. He’s a bit messed up where relationships (and his life) are concerned and I don’t want to be someone’s dating road kill while they figure out what they want out of a relationship.
So, that brings me back to my earlier question: Why can’t I just give up on Guy B and move on? In all honestly, I don’t think it has anything to do with Guy B himself. On an intellectual level, just like with Guy A, I know that Guy B is really not the right guy for me. The entire relationship he has created with his son means that I will NEVER be #1 in his life, and that’s not a position I’m willing to put myself in. I’ve said it before, but I have to keep reminding myself of that every time I start going down a road that I really shouldn’t be taking (or worse, convincing myself that something he does/says to me means anything more than simple friendship). And the bottom line is that as long as I am so wrapped up with manufactured feelings for him there won’t be any room for anyone else.
I think the other part of it has to do with the fact that I have this huge gaping hole in my life. In the absence of anything real, I am filling that void myself in my mind (and he just happens to be a convenient subject). The danger in harboring these romantic fantasies is twofold: firstly, I constantly set myself up for disappointment when my reality does not live up to my fantasies. And, secondly, these fantasies do not leave any “room” for anyone else to get in.
Then why do I do this to myself when I know it’s not in my best interest? Well, that’s the million-dollar question now, isn’t it? I’ve been doing it for so long that it has just become a habit, albeit an unhealthy one. Now that I think about it, the same thing could be said for over-eating: how come if you know that the behaviour and the outcome of the behaviour are not good for you, do we continue to behave in that self-destructive way?
The only answer I can come up with (in the case of my love life) is that my romantic fantasies are safe – I can control them, unlike in real life where things are unpredictable and I have to react and respond on the fly. Not only can I control the sequence of events in my own mind, but I can also control the outcomes; things always turn out the way I want them to and I always get the guy. In real life, that never happens. And I want to be successful, even if it's only in my own mind.
Now that I think about it, it really is the same thing with food. Continuing with self-destructive behaviour – even when I know that it is self-destructive – is easy to rationalize because it is safe. It’s the devil I know. I am in control (or at least I think I am).
So, I think the solution for me is to just plan to go to the wedding on my own. It will send a karmic message to the universe that I am open to meeting someone new and not clogging up my psyche with a meaningless escort just to fill the “and guest” void.
Update: After writing that entry on Monday, I saw PJ and when she asked whether I was bringing a guest to the wedding I said, No. So, that's done now.
++++++++++++
So, I got an invitation to P&J’s wedding reception on August 6th and now I am faced with a dilemma: The invitation said, “La and guest.” Ugh. Who the hell am I going to take as a guest?? I hate going to weddings by myself. Granted, I’ll know a bunch of people there, but it will still suck to be there alone with an implied, if not actual, empty chair beside me.
I do have a couple of male friends that I could ask (one of whom actually knows the couple getting married, although not well enough to be invited to the wedding himself), but I really don’t know if I want to go down that road.
You see, without going into detail here (as I’ve been burned by disclosing too much detail about my love life on-line), even though I am friends with them now, I have a bit of a history with both of these guys and I don’t know if it would be a good idea to ask either of them just so that I would have a date for the wedding.
I have also imagined some Worst-Case Scenarios (WCS) that could play out if I were to ask each of them and I don’t know if I’m willing to risk those possible outcomes. And imagining those WCS isn’t my way of letting fear be my guide, it’s about giving myself the kick-in-the-pants to remind myself that it’s not in my best interest to get too emotionally wrapped up in either of these guys again. And what I mean by that is not getting myself emotionally wrapped up in a guy who is not interested in me as anything more than a friend.
But, is assuming WCS anything like crossing your bridges twice? No, I don’t think so. If I were stressing about it and making myself sick then it would be. I’m just giving myself a reality check.
I am totally over Guy A. We’re friends who run into each other from time to time in group social situations and that’s cool. Guy B is a different story because for some reason I can’t just give it up and forget about him and move on, even though it’s entirely clear to me that he is not interested in me as anything more than a friend. Somehow I managed to get over it with Guy A (and I got totally burned by him, so if I could get over that, I can get over anything), so why can’t I do it with Guy B?
I think part of it is proximity. I don’t see Guy A on a regular basis and he’s not on my daily radar screen. Even when I saw him a couple of times recently, I didn’t feel the same kind of attraction for him that I had in the past. I also got a chance to do something with him that people wish for all the time: get closure. I think that part of it where he is concerned is that I really do know that he is not the right guy for me because I am not going to get what I need from him. He’s a bit messed up where relationships (and his life) are concerned and I don’t want to be someone’s dating road kill while they figure out what they want out of a relationship.
So, that brings me back to my earlier question: Why can’t I just give up on Guy B and move on? In all honestly, I don’t think it has anything to do with Guy B himself. On an intellectual level, just like with Guy A, I know that Guy B is really not the right guy for me. The entire relationship he has created with his son means that I will NEVER be #1 in his life, and that’s not a position I’m willing to put myself in. I’ve said it before, but I have to keep reminding myself of that every time I start going down a road that I really shouldn’t be taking (or worse, convincing myself that something he does/says to me means anything more than simple friendship). And the bottom line is that as long as I am so wrapped up with manufactured feelings for him there won’t be any room for anyone else.
I think the other part of it has to do with the fact that I have this huge gaping hole in my life. In the absence of anything real, I am filling that void myself in my mind (and he just happens to be a convenient subject). The danger in harboring these romantic fantasies is twofold: firstly, I constantly set myself up for disappointment when my reality does not live up to my fantasies. And, secondly, these fantasies do not leave any “room” for anyone else to get in.
Then why do I do this to myself when I know it’s not in my best interest? Well, that’s the million-dollar question now, isn’t it? I’ve been doing it for so long that it has just become a habit, albeit an unhealthy one. Now that I think about it, the same thing could be said for over-eating: how come if you know that the behaviour and the outcome of the behaviour are not good for you, do we continue to behave in that self-destructive way?
The only answer I can come up with (in the case of my love life) is that my romantic fantasies are safe – I can control them, unlike in real life where things are unpredictable and I have to react and respond on the fly. Not only can I control the sequence of events in my own mind, but I can also control the outcomes; things always turn out the way I want them to and I always get the guy. In real life, that never happens. And I want to be successful, even if it's only in my own mind.
Now that I think about it, it really is the same thing with food. Continuing with self-destructive behaviour – even when I know that it is self-destructive – is easy to rationalize because it is safe. It’s the devil I know. I am in control (or at least I think I am).
So, I think the solution for me is to just plan to go to the wedding on my own. It will send a karmic message to the universe that I am open to meeting someone new and not clogging up my psyche with a meaningless escort just to fill the “and guest” void.
Update: After writing that entry on Monday, I saw PJ and when she asked whether I was bringing a guest to the wedding I said, No. So, that's done now.
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Drats... another boring update
I forgot to e-mail myself the entry I wrote on Monday. It's a good one... hope you're not disappointed once it actually gets posted.
Workout drivel:
Rode to work. Did a 30-minute Gravity class. It was tough - my legs were burning and I couldn't figure out why. And my ride in seemed harder than normal, too. Realized that it was because I had done leg weights yesterday. Duh! The ride home from work was uneventful (as it should be). Although I have to say that I made up for all the red lights I got on the way in with an equal number of fortuitous green lights on the way home. Even steven.
After work, ate some cereal and then went out for my evening brick workout. What's a brick, you ask? Well, it's a bike ride followed immediately by a run. Your legs feel like bricks, hence the name (ha ha). Anyway, after my warm-up ride down, I rode three time around my usual loop. I got passed by a guy on a really hot bike (Cervelo) on my first lap. I managed to stay with him for a few hundred meters, but the thing is, he was just cruising along whereas I was hammering at 85% effort. On lap two, I got passed by another hot guy on a hot bike (Cannondale, like me). Again, I managed to stay with this guy a short time before getting dropped. On the third loop, Cannondale guy took the bike path instead of the road, so I got ahead of him again. He passed me in almost the same spot as before. This time, I think he let me draft off him because he seemed to slow down and look back to see where I was. I was right on his tail for a while which was nice because it was a little windy and it was nice and calm back there in his draft zone. After the bike ride I ran my usual 1500m out-and-back. The first time I did that little run I did it in 8:26 (5:37/km). The second time I did it, I ran 8:12 (5:28/km). Tonight, I ran it in a blazing time of 7:48 (5:12/km). Holy crap! I had no idea I had gotten so fast! Now, the first two runs were on insanely hot/humid days, which has a huge effect on me. Tonight was a bit muggy and a bit windy, but much more pleasant for running. Go me!
Eating drivel:
I think I ate OK today, but it could have been better. I remembered my protein shake for right after my workout. I had museli for breakfast with coffee. I did have a snack today - peanut butter on a bagel and another coffee (so tired). For lunch, it was pork souvlaki on a pita (tzaziki, tomatoes) with salad and only a tiny bit of dressing and feta cheese. I succumbed to the rice crispy square again at 2:30. When I got home, I ate a bowl of cereal (as mentioned above). After my workout, I polished off a huge protein smoothie (frozen berries, light vanilla soy milk, honey and protein powder) and half a Clif bar. I do need to take in some more water as I only managed 1L today.
Tour drivel:
Lance is back in yellow! Well, not exactly "back" because he hasn't had the maillot jaune at all this year, but considering he's worn is so much over the last six years, it seems appropriate to say that. The previous leader (Zabriskie) crashed during the Team Time Trial today (with only 1.5K to go). He's iffy to continue with the rest of the tour pending medical clearance (might have broken ribs). I'm watching the rerun coverage right now but I haven't seen the crash yet. It's really amazing how fast these guys go when riding in a pack like that. Team Discovery, who had the fastest time on the day, averaged something like 57km/hr (over 35 mph) for over an hour! Crikey!
Speaking of the Tour, time to get back to my TV viewing...
Workout drivel:
Rode to work. Did a 30-minute Gravity class. It was tough - my legs were burning and I couldn't figure out why. And my ride in seemed harder than normal, too. Realized that it was because I had done leg weights yesterday. Duh! The ride home from work was uneventful (as it should be). Although I have to say that I made up for all the red lights I got on the way in with an equal number of fortuitous green lights on the way home. Even steven.
After work, ate some cereal and then went out for my evening brick workout. What's a brick, you ask? Well, it's a bike ride followed immediately by a run. Your legs feel like bricks, hence the name (ha ha). Anyway, after my warm-up ride down, I rode three time around my usual loop. I got passed by a guy on a really hot bike (Cervelo) on my first lap. I managed to stay with him for a few hundred meters, but the thing is, he was just cruising along whereas I was hammering at 85% effort. On lap two, I got passed by another hot guy on a hot bike (Cannondale, like me). Again, I managed to stay with this guy a short time before getting dropped. On the third loop, Cannondale guy took the bike path instead of the road, so I got ahead of him again. He passed me in almost the same spot as before. This time, I think he let me draft off him because he seemed to slow down and look back to see where I was. I was right on his tail for a while which was nice because it was a little windy and it was nice and calm back there in his draft zone. After the bike ride I ran my usual 1500m out-and-back. The first time I did that little run I did it in 8:26 (5:37/km). The second time I did it, I ran 8:12 (5:28/km). Tonight, I ran it in a blazing time of 7:48 (5:12/km). Holy crap! I had no idea I had gotten so fast! Now, the first two runs were on insanely hot/humid days, which has a huge effect on me. Tonight was a bit muggy and a bit windy, but much more pleasant for running. Go me!
Eating drivel:
I think I ate OK today, but it could have been better. I remembered my protein shake for right after my workout. I had museli for breakfast with coffee. I did have a snack today - peanut butter on a bagel and another coffee (so tired). For lunch, it was pork souvlaki on a pita (tzaziki, tomatoes) with salad and only a tiny bit of dressing and feta cheese. I succumbed to the rice crispy square again at 2:30. When I got home, I ate a bowl of cereal (as mentioned above). After my workout, I polished off a huge protein smoothie (frozen berries, light vanilla soy milk, honey and protein powder) and half a Clif bar. I do need to take in some more water as I only managed 1L today.
Tour drivel:
Lance is back in yellow! Well, not exactly "back" because he hasn't had the maillot jaune at all this year, but considering he's worn is so much over the last six years, it seems appropriate to say that. The previous leader (Zabriskie) crashed during the Team Time Trial today (with only 1.5K to go). He's iffy to continue with the rest of the tour pending medical clearance (might have broken ribs). I'm watching the rerun coverage right now but I haven't seen the crash yet. It's really amazing how fast these guys go when riding in a pack like that. Team Discovery, who had the fastest time on the day, averaged something like 57km/hr (over 35 mph) for over an hour! Crikey!
Speaking of the Tour, time to get back to my TV viewing...
Monday, July 04, 2005
We interrupt this post for the following Condo update: Let there be brick! Yes, my friends, there is actual BRICK on the outside of the building. They haven't gotten to my part of the building yet, but there is brick going up none the less. Woo!
I had written this really great post at work today about the dilemma I am currently facing, but I forgot to e-mail it to myself before I left work, so it will have to wait until tomorrow. Because we have the Internet Police at work I don't go anywhere near blogging sites on my work computer.
So instead, you'll get the boring old food and exercise update (sorry, BC).
Drove to the gym this morning. Did leg weights followed by 35 minutes on the elliptical machine. The plan for this evening was to swim five laps of the lake, but when we got there it had started to thunder. We waited it out for 30 minutes and then began our swim, but the thunder and lightning started up again, so PJ called it a night and asked everyone to get out of the lake. It's not her lake, but her future in-laws' place, so she didn't want to take any chances (especially since her fiancee wasn't there). I did manage to get two laps in (800m in about 16 minutes), so it's better than nothing.
Food was OK today. I forgot to bring my protein shake to the gym, so I didn't get to eat until more than 45 minutes after my workout ended, which is far less than ideal. I had a bagel with PB and a large coffee at 8:15. I didn't get a mid-morning snack, so I went for lunch early and was back at my desk with my lentil soup and falafel pita just after noon. I was about to go for a snack around 2PM when my phone rang: it was H on her way to the airport headed for Boston. We chatted for about 20 minutes, so I finally got a chance to run down for a snack around 2:30. I caved and had a rice crispy square (my latest obsession). Since I was swimming, I didn't get any dinner until I got home around 8:30. I had one little low-cal dinner in the freezer, so I nuked that and wolfed it down. I also had a soy protein shake while my dinner was in the oven. And a glass of white wine with dinner. I finished things off with my fave chocolate soy pudding (100 cals).
My water consumption was quite good today: not counting the water I drank during my workout, I got in close to 2L today. I think I still have about 250-300mL left in my new pink water bottle. I'll finish that before I go to bed.
I'm watching the end of the Tour right now. Man, those guys are like machines on their bikes! I wish I could ride like that. Nothing exciting to post - it was a flat sprinters' stage, so no movement in the overall standings. Tomorrow is the Team Time Trial, which is a cool thing to wath if you've never seen it: nine riders riding in a pack, drafting off each other trying to beat the time of the teams that went out before them. You can watch it on OLN.
The plan for tomorrow is this:
Ride my bike to the gym and do a 30-minute gravity class. I have to get to work early because I'm teaching and this class requires a bit of preparation that I haven't quite done yet. After work, I'll ride home, grab something to eat (probably a protein shake) and then head out for my evening bike workout. I think I'll ride about 30K or so, followed by a quick run.
Oh, and I'll be sure to post that "dilemma" entry...
I had written this really great post at work today about the dilemma I am currently facing, but I forgot to e-mail it to myself before I left work, so it will have to wait until tomorrow. Because we have the Internet Police at work I don't go anywhere near blogging sites on my work computer.
So instead, you'll get the boring old food and exercise update (sorry, BC).
Drove to the gym this morning. Did leg weights followed by 35 minutes on the elliptical machine. The plan for this evening was to swim five laps of the lake, but when we got there it had started to thunder. We waited it out for 30 minutes and then began our swim, but the thunder and lightning started up again, so PJ called it a night and asked everyone to get out of the lake. It's not her lake, but her future in-laws' place, so she didn't want to take any chances (especially since her fiancee wasn't there). I did manage to get two laps in (800m in about 16 minutes), so it's better than nothing.
Food was OK today. I forgot to bring my protein shake to the gym, so I didn't get to eat until more than 45 minutes after my workout ended, which is far less than ideal. I had a bagel with PB and a large coffee at 8:15. I didn't get a mid-morning snack, so I went for lunch early and was back at my desk with my lentil soup and falafel pita just after noon. I was about to go for a snack around 2PM when my phone rang: it was H on her way to the airport headed for Boston. We chatted for about 20 minutes, so I finally got a chance to run down for a snack around 2:30. I caved and had a rice crispy square (my latest obsession). Since I was swimming, I didn't get any dinner until I got home around 8:30. I had one little low-cal dinner in the freezer, so I nuked that and wolfed it down. I also had a soy protein shake while my dinner was in the oven. And a glass of white wine with dinner. I finished things off with my fave chocolate soy pudding (100 cals).
My water consumption was quite good today: not counting the water I drank during my workout, I got in close to 2L today. I think I still have about 250-300mL left in my new pink water bottle. I'll finish that before I go to bed.
I'm watching the end of the Tour right now. Man, those guys are like machines on their bikes! I wish I could ride like that. Nothing exciting to post - it was a flat sprinters' stage, so no movement in the overall standings. Tomorrow is the Team Time Trial, which is a cool thing to wath if you've never seen it: nine riders riding in a pack, drafting off each other trying to beat the time of the teams that went out before them. You can watch it on OLN.
The plan for tomorrow is this:
Ride my bike to the gym and do a 30-minute gravity class. I have to get to work early because I'm teaching and this class requires a bit of preparation that I haven't quite done yet. After work, I'll ride home, grab something to eat (probably a protein shake) and then head out for my evening bike workout. I think I'll ride about 30K or so, followed by a quick run.
Oh, and I'll be sure to post that "dilemma" entry...
Sunday, July 03, 2005
And so it begins...
For the next 21 days or so I will be glued to my TV set every night for the daily update on the Tour de France (you can follow it yourself here: http://www.letour.fr/TDF/LIVE/us/200/index.html
Although none of you probably care, I'll be posting my comments/updates on the day's results. Since my boyfriend Lance is still shacked up with that rock singer girlfriend of his (grrr), my enthusiasm for him has tempered a bit. OK, well maybe not so much - he's still my fave! He's going for win #7 in this, his final season as a pro.
After two stages (Stage 1's time trial and today's Stage 2, which was flat), Lance is in second place to another American named David Zabriskie (Team: CSC) of Utah. Lance is 2 seconds behind, which is entirely insignificant at this point in the race. Personally, I don't think he wanted to wear the Maillot Jaune as there's way too much pressure to be the Tour leader.
Ooooooo, it's going to be an exciting three weeks!
Although none of you probably care, I'll be posting my comments/updates on the day's results. Since my boyfriend Lance is still shacked up with that rock singer girlfriend of his (grrr), my enthusiasm for him has tempered a bit. OK, well maybe not so much - he's still my fave! He's going for win #7 in this, his final season as a pro.
After two stages (Stage 1's time trial and today's Stage 2, which was flat), Lance is in second place to another American named David Zabriskie (Team: CSC) of Utah. Lance is 2 seconds behind, which is entirely insignificant at this point in the race. Personally, I don't think he wanted to wear the Maillot Jaune as there's way too much pressure to be the Tour leader.
Ooooooo, it's going to be an exciting three weeks!
Back home
I had an awesome weekend! After the hot, muggy weather we have had for the last 2 weeks, the heat finally broke and the weather was perfect (even a bit cold at night).
Oh, right, I forgot to mention where we went! This was a Mystery Road Trip, so when we arrived at the meeting spot none of us but the organizer knew where we were going. We got our maps, our instructions and our... disposable cameras?? Yes, we were on a photo scavenger hunt that would take us to our location. We now knew the final destination (a small campground just outside Kingston, ON), but we had to collect photos of a number of different things. Each item had a different point value, so we had to be creative as to which things we would try to get photos of. For example, we had to take a photo of our team (3 of us) in a car wash, in our bathing suits (10 points). We also needed to get a shot of one team member behind the wheel of a cab. Another was to get someone in a grocery cart. We killed a bunch of birds in one stop when we spotted an DIY carwash place. And a cab was just sitting in the parking lot! So we asked the driver if we could take a photo of MH in the driver's seat. Then we drove around the back of the grocery store to change into our bathing suits where lo and behold there was a huge stash of carts! Click! Then it was onto the car wash where we solicited a guy washing his car next to ours to take our photo.
The whole thing was a lot of fun, but that, along with holiday weekend traffic, meant that we didn't get to the campground until 6PM (and we left at 1PM). Normally, this drive should take 2.5 hours. The campground itself was a bit weird. It was more like a trailer park than a campgound, but we found a nice secluded area and set up camp there. We had to get a bit McIver at times since we didn't have many of the things we needed, but in the end we ate very well.
On Saturday we went for a bike ride. Although the group of us (8 riders) started out together, some were faster and were going longer, so we split up into two groups. My group of four had planned to ride for 2 hours, so we just rode out for an hour and then turned around and went back the same route. It was great because we rode most of the route that the race I'm doing on July 31 will be on, so any chance to ride there is a benefit. I still struggle a bit on the uphills, but I was smokin' on the downhills!
While the other four were out riding, the rest of us went into town and had some lunch. When we got back, a few of us went to check out the beach. It was a bit weedy to get in a decent swim. I sliced my finger on some sharp rocks below the surface and KH sliced her toe. It was nothing major, just a bit of a bummer, that's all.
Saturday's dinner was a hodge-podge of stuff left over from the night before (veggies, meat) with tomato sauce and wine thrown over pasta. It was great (and all cooked over an open fire). There was no shortage of food, goodies, treats, junk food and even s'mores!
This morning we went for a run. It was a lot hotter today than it was yesterday, so I got a little fried (even though it was only 9AM when we went out). After the run, we changed and headed out for coffee and food before heading home.
Since the weather was nice, the holiday weekend traffic had not started yet (wait until 5PM - yikes!). We made it home in just over 2 hours, which was a real treat. I now have the rest of my day to chill and to put all my crap away from the weekend.
All in all, it was a great social weekend and a great training weekend (minus the swim, that is). I ate very well, meaning that everything I ate tasted really good, even if it wasn't very healthy for me (home-made chocolate chip cookies, rice crispy squares, banana bread, Hint-o-lime Tostitos, s'mores, DQ Hot Fudge sundae). Oh well, tomorrow is Monday and I'll get my eating back on track. Friday morning's weigh-in showed the usual 170lbs, so I'm not expecting to see anything lower tomorrow morning. And if it's a gain, I enjoyed every calorie of it!
This was truly the end of my "recovery" week, so it's back to the heavy mileage again this week. I'm looking forward to it!
Oh, right, I forgot to mention where we went! This was a Mystery Road Trip, so when we arrived at the meeting spot none of us but the organizer knew where we were going. We got our maps, our instructions and our... disposable cameras?? Yes, we were on a photo scavenger hunt that would take us to our location. We now knew the final destination (a small campground just outside Kingston, ON), but we had to collect photos of a number of different things. Each item had a different point value, so we had to be creative as to which things we would try to get photos of. For example, we had to take a photo of our team (3 of us) in a car wash, in our bathing suits (10 points). We also needed to get a shot of one team member behind the wheel of a cab. Another was to get someone in a grocery cart. We killed a bunch of birds in one stop when we spotted an DIY carwash place. And a cab was just sitting in the parking lot! So we asked the driver if we could take a photo of MH in the driver's seat. Then we drove around the back of the grocery store to change into our bathing suits where lo and behold there was a huge stash of carts! Click! Then it was onto the car wash where we solicited a guy washing his car next to ours to take our photo.
The whole thing was a lot of fun, but that, along with holiday weekend traffic, meant that we didn't get to the campground until 6PM (and we left at 1PM). Normally, this drive should take 2.5 hours. The campground itself was a bit weird. It was more like a trailer park than a campgound, but we found a nice secluded area and set up camp there. We had to get a bit McIver at times since we didn't have many of the things we needed, but in the end we ate very well.
On Saturday we went for a bike ride. Although the group of us (8 riders) started out together, some were faster and were going longer, so we split up into two groups. My group of four had planned to ride for 2 hours, so we just rode out for an hour and then turned around and went back the same route. It was great because we rode most of the route that the race I'm doing on July 31 will be on, so any chance to ride there is a benefit. I still struggle a bit on the uphills, but I was smokin' on the downhills!
While the other four were out riding, the rest of us went into town and had some lunch. When we got back, a few of us went to check out the beach. It was a bit weedy to get in a decent swim. I sliced my finger on some sharp rocks below the surface and KH sliced her toe. It was nothing major, just a bit of a bummer, that's all.
Saturday's dinner was a hodge-podge of stuff left over from the night before (veggies, meat) with tomato sauce and wine thrown over pasta. It was great (and all cooked over an open fire). There was no shortage of food, goodies, treats, junk food and even s'mores!
This morning we went for a run. It was a lot hotter today than it was yesterday, so I got a little fried (even though it was only 9AM when we went out). After the run, we changed and headed out for coffee and food before heading home.
Since the weather was nice, the holiday weekend traffic had not started yet (wait until 5PM - yikes!). We made it home in just over 2 hours, which was a real treat. I now have the rest of my day to chill and to put all my crap away from the weekend.
All in all, it was a great social weekend and a great training weekend (minus the swim, that is). I ate very well, meaning that everything I ate tasted really good, even if it wasn't very healthy for me (home-made chocolate chip cookies, rice crispy squares, banana bread, Hint-o-lime Tostitos, s'mores, DQ Hot Fudge sundae). Oh well, tomorrow is Monday and I'll get my eating back on track. Friday morning's weigh-in showed the usual 170lbs, so I'm not expecting to see anything lower tomorrow morning. And if it's a gain, I enjoyed every calorie of it!
This was truly the end of my "recovery" week, so it's back to the heavy mileage again this week. I'm looking forward to it!
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