The Dilemma

Finally, the post you've all been waiting for. Hope it doesn't disappoint... More workout and food drivel to follow later after my swim.

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So, I got an invitation to P&J’s wedding reception on August 6th and now I am faced with a dilemma: The invitation said, “La and guest.” Ugh. Who the hell am I going to take as a guest?? I hate going to weddings by myself. Granted, I’ll know a bunch of people there, but it will still suck to be there alone with an implied, if not actual, empty chair beside me.

I do have a couple of male friends that I could ask (one of whom actually knows the couple getting married, although not well enough to be invited to the wedding himself), but I really don’t know if I want to go down that road.

You see, without going into detail here (as I’ve been burned by disclosing too much detail about my love life on-line), even though I am friends with them now, I have a bit of a history with both of these guys and I don’t know if it would be a good idea to ask either of them just so that I would have a date for the wedding.

I have also imagined some Worst-Case Scenarios (WCS) that could play out if I were to ask each of them and I don’t know if I’m willing to risk those possible outcomes. And imagining those WCS isn’t my way of letting fear be my guide, it’s about giving myself the kick-in-the-pants to remind myself that it’s not in my best interest to get too emotionally wrapped up in either of these guys again. And what I mean by that is not getting myself emotionally wrapped up in a guy who is not interested in me as anything more than a friend.

But, is assuming WCS anything like crossing your bridges twice? No, I don’t think so. If I were stressing about it and making myself sick then it would be. I’m just giving myself a reality check.

I am totally over Guy A. We’re friends who run into each other from time to time in group social situations and that’s cool. Guy B is a different story because for some reason I can’t just give it up and forget about him and move on, even though it’s entirely clear to me that he is not interested in me as anything more than a friend. Somehow I managed to get over it with Guy A (and I got totally burned by him, so if I could get over that, I can get over anything), so why can’t I do it with Guy B?

I think part of it is proximity. I don’t see Guy A on a regular basis and he’s not on my daily radar screen. Even when I saw him a couple of times recently, I didn’t feel the same kind of attraction for him that I had in the past. I also got a chance to do something with him that people wish for all the time: get closure. I think that part of it where he is concerned is that I really do know that he is not the right guy for me because I am not going to get what I need from him. He’s a bit messed up where relationships (and his life) are concerned and I don’t want to be someone’s dating road kill while they figure out what they want out of a relationship.

So, that brings me back to my earlier question: Why can’t I just give up on Guy B and move on? In all honestly, I don’t think it has anything to do with Guy B himself. On an intellectual level, just like with Guy A, I know that Guy B is really not the right guy for me. The entire relationship he has created with his son means that I will NEVER be #1 in his life, and that’s not a position I’m willing to put myself in. I’ve said it before, but I have to keep reminding myself of that every time I start going down a road that I really shouldn’t be taking (or worse, convincing myself that something he does/says to me means anything more than simple friendship). And the bottom line is that as long as I am so wrapped up with manufactured feelings for him there won’t be any room for anyone else.

I think the other part of it has to do with the fact that I have this huge gaping hole in my life. In the absence of anything real, I am filling that void myself in my mind (and he just happens to be a convenient subject). The danger in harboring these romantic fantasies is twofold: firstly, I constantly set myself up for disappointment when my reality does not live up to my fantasies. And, secondly, these fantasies do not leave any “room” for anyone else to get in.

Then why do I do this to myself when I know it’s not in my best interest? Well, that’s the million-dollar question now, isn’t it? I’ve been doing it for so long that it has just become a habit, albeit an unhealthy one. Now that I think about it, the same thing could be said for over-eating: how come if you know that the behaviour and the outcome of the behaviour are not good for you, do we continue to behave in that self-destructive way?

The only answer I can come up with (in the case of my love life) is that my romantic fantasies are safe – I can control them, unlike in real life where things are unpredictable and I have to react and respond on the fly. Not only can I control the sequence of events in my own mind, but I can also control the outcomes; things always turn out the way I want them to and I always get the guy. In real life, that never happens. And I want to be successful, even if it's only in my own mind.

Now that I think about it, it really is the same thing with food. Continuing with self-destructive behaviour – even when I know that it is self-destructive – is easy to rationalize because it is safe. It’s the devil I know. I am in control (or at least I think I am).

So, I think the solution for me is to just plan to go to the wedding on my own. It will send a karmic message to the universe that I am open to meeting someone new and not clogging up my psyche with a meaningless escort just to fill the “and guest” void.

Update: After writing that entry on Monday, I saw PJ and when she asked whether I was bringing a guest to the wedding I said, No. So, that's done now.