I am leaving for Spain on Thursday. I am nowhere near trained for the level of activity I will be faced with, but I'll just have to take each day/workout as it comes. This is supposed to be my vacation, after all...
Things to do when I get back from Spain...
1. Get back to on-line dating. Not having any prospects in real life means that I have to resort to the on-line thing again. Sigh.
2. Finish my projects in my condo to get it ready to be listed for sale. Yes, FOR SALE!! See #3.
3. Buy a house. :)
I'm sick of condo living and really need an outdoor space. Not a huge garden (don't want the responsibility), but at least a deck/patio where I can have a BBQ and some pots of plants and some herbs. In time, I'd like to try my hand at a vegetable garden, but I'd probably have to give up some things I love to find the time to really make it work.
Anyway, that's all I have for now. Hola!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The Non-Date No-Go
I think I've mentioned S, the guy I reconnected with on FS a few weeks ago - the one whose e-mail made me re-sign just so I could read it.
Anyway, he lives in London but will be in Mississauga on business this week. He suggested we get together for dinner one night. I suggested Tuesday (today), he said that was good and asked me to suggest a place/time, which I did. This was last Thursday.
All along I have been considering this a "non-date" and I believe that he is, too. I don't think either one of us wants to be involved in a long-distance relationship.
I haven't heard from him since then. I went on FS to see if he had at least read the message - if he had, I would likely still go to the meeting spot I suggested. But as of this morning, he still hasn't read the message! Weird.
So, it looks like my Non-Date is going to be a No-Go this evening.
Going back to what my sister and I talked about last month, unless he has a really good reason for not confirming with me until today, I am going to bail on my date with him tonight. It goes back to the whole thing about being too accommodating and letting the other person drive the relationship too often.
And now that I think about it, he sort of did this to me last time we communicated: at the time I was also starting to see R, so it wasn't a big deal, but S had said something about being in town and getting together while he was here, but then he just dropped off and I never heard from him again until a year later.
That's it. Decision made: I will not be meeting him for dinner this evening.
Anyway, he lives in London but will be in Mississauga on business this week. He suggested we get together for dinner one night. I suggested Tuesday (today), he said that was good and asked me to suggest a place/time, which I did. This was last Thursday.
All along I have been considering this a "non-date" and I believe that he is, too. I don't think either one of us wants to be involved in a long-distance relationship.
I haven't heard from him since then. I went on FS to see if he had at least read the message - if he had, I would likely still go to the meeting spot I suggested. But as of this morning, he still hasn't read the message! Weird.
So, it looks like my Non-Date is going to be a No-Go this evening.
Going back to what my sister and I talked about last month, unless he has a really good reason for not confirming with me until today, I am going to bail on my date with him tonight. It goes back to the whole thing about being too accommodating and letting the other person drive the relationship too often.
And now that I think about it, he sort of did this to me last time we communicated: at the time I was also starting to see R, so it wasn't a big deal, but S had said something about being in town and getting together while he was here, but then he just dropped off and I never heard from him again until a year later.
That's it. Decision made: I will not be meeting him for dinner this evening.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Back at it
I ran again yesterday evening. Again, I didn't wear my Garmin or track my time on my watch. I ran a route I normally run and know that it is about 5K, and that I did it in about 30 minutes (based on the time I left and the time I got back). But I'm still not officially tracking my workouts or following a plan other than "run when I feel like it."
The run felt OK. I took a short walk break about 2/3 of the way through - I still feel a bit sluggish. The weather was beautiful, though, and it was so nice to be out in the sun and daylight. I'm looking forward to tomorrow evening's run because it will be the first "daylight" runpub of the year. Up until now, the only way to run in daylight is to do it in the morning, or right after work; runpub has always been in the dark. But now that the sun isn't setting until 7:30 I'll get my evening run in before it gets dark.
I leave for England a week from Friday. Between now and then I have a few goals. It's not really "training" or "dieting" but just some guidelines to keep me from gaining any more weight.
1. Run when I feel like it. Hopefully I "feel like it" more than twice per week.
2. Abstain from alcohol.
3. Abstain from junk food and sweets.
4. Be mindful of my eating (no mindless snacking).
5. Take one "cheat day" (this Saturday) where I can drink and eat cake since I am going to a BD party that evening.
6. Weigh myself both Friday mornings (3/19 and 3/26).
I have to admit that I'm a bit scared to weigh myself this Friday. I know that I've gained some weight and I'm a little worried about the number I am going to see. That's part of the reason for my "guidelines" above. I'm hoping that if I can stick to those, that Friday's number won't be so bad.
The run felt OK. I took a short walk break about 2/3 of the way through - I still feel a bit sluggish. The weather was beautiful, though, and it was so nice to be out in the sun and daylight. I'm looking forward to tomorrow evening's run because it will be the first "daylight" runpub of the year. Up until now, the only way to run in daylight is to do it in the morning, or right after work; runpub has always been in the dark. But now that the sun isn't setting until 7:30 I'll get my evening run in before it gets dark.
I leave for England a week from Friday. Between now and then I have a few goals. It's not really "training" or "dieting" but just some guidelines to keep me from gaining any more weight.
1. Run when I feel like it. Hopefully I "feel like it" more than twice per week.
2. Abstain from alcohol.
3. Abstain from junk food and sweets.
4. Be mindful of my eating (no mindless snacking).
5. Take one "cheat day" (this Saturday) where I can drink and eat cake since I am going to a BD party that evening.
6. Weigh myself both Friday mornings (3/19 and 3/26).
I have to admit that I'm a bit scared to weigh myself this Friday. I know that I've gained some weight and I'm a little worried about the number I am going to see. That's part of the reason for my "guidelines" above. I'm hoping that if I can stick to those, that Friday's number won't be so bad.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Shallow?
Is it shallow of me to dismiss/reject someone because of their age? There's this man on FS who has contacted me several times. The first time, I wasnt't a paying member so I couldn't reply (not that I wanted to). The second time, there wasn't really anything in his message worth replying to. So today, he e-mails me AGAIN with this big long explanation (which I didn't even read in its entirety) detailing how we are so alike in so many ways, blah-blah-blah.
He's 66. My mother is 70. I am NOT dating a guy who is 24 years older than I am and only four years younger than my mother! Period! End of discussion.
Ugh. Dating sucks.
I have two aquaintances - R&J - who are a couple with a 20-year age difference between them: she is mid-40s, he is mid-60s. I don't know how long they have been a couple. It works for them.
I just can't see it working for me.
He's 66. My mother is 70. I am NOT dating a guy who is 24 years older than I am and only four years younger than my mother! Period! End of discussion.
Ugh. Dating sucks.
I have two aquaintances - R&J - who are a couple with a 20-year age difference between them: she is mid-40s, he is mid-60s. I don't know how long they have been a couple. It works for them.
I just can't see it working for me.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Yeah, pretty much a waste of money
On dating:
Yup, the $30 I paid to re-join FS is likely money down the drain. There isn't anyone remotely interesting on the site, and the two guys I have e-mailed have not responded (one has read the message and viewed my profile, the other hasn't). Oh well.
I did get a reply from S to my e-mail to him. He said he'd also been off the site for a year, having met and dated someone during that time. They are no longer together. But he did say something that concerned me, which is that he had just gone through another round of cancer treatment. I knew that he had cancer (from our previous e-mail converstations) but didn't know that he was still dealing with it. I don't know that I'd have it in me to date someone knowing that they have cancer. Hmm.
On weight:
Ugh. My pants feel tight. As much as I feel mentally better for taking some time off from diet and exercise, I feel like I've set myself back three years (weight and fitness-wise) in just two weeks! I haven't weighed myself, so I don't know how much damage I've done, but I don't like the way I look or feel right now.
Time to re-think my strategy on both fronts.
Yup, the $30 I paid to re-join FS is likely money down the drain. There isn't anyone remotely interesting on the site, and the two guys I have e-mailed have not responded (one has read the message and viewed my profile, the other hasn't). Oh well.
I did get a reply from S to my e-mail to him. He said he'd also been off the site for a year, having met and dated someone during that time. They are no longer together. But he did say something that concerned me, which is that he had just gone through another round of cancer treatment. I knew that he had cancer (from our previous e-mail converstations) but didn't know that he was still dealing with it. I don't know that I'd have it in me to date someone knowing that they have cancer. Hmm.
On weight:
Ugh. My pants feel tight. As much as I feel mentally better for taking some time off from diet and exercise, I feel like I've set myself back three years (weight and fitness-wise) in just two weeks! I haven't weighed myself, so I don't know how much damage I've done, but I don't like the way I look or feel right now.
Time to re-think my strategy on both fronts.
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
I paid $30 for this??
C is a bad influence on me. "Enabler" is what she called it. Ha!
Well, I re-signed at FS. My curiosity got the best of me and I just had to know what S had written to me. Not only can you not read e-mail that someone sends you unless you are a paid member, but you can't even see the title of the message!
Here it is, for what it's worth (surely not $30!):
I replied to his message, and also sent a message off to the other guy who looked interesting. Neither of them has read the message yet.
In doing a quick search of the site (sometimes I'm picky with my search criteria*, sometimes not), I didn't really see anyone else of interest. I've set a reminder for myself to cancel my membership before it auto-renews in a month from now. My optimistic side says, "Maybe the guy you are meant to meet isn't on the site yet and will sign up in the next few weeks!" Right. I'm trying to continue to believe that.
And I also got another message from the 66-year-old guy who'd messaged me back in February. I just deleted that one.
*On the topic of search criteria (which isn't as important on FS as it is on PoF because there are far fewer people on FS to sort through), it's interesting to see what guys put on their preferences. The vast majority of guys who are within my searched age range (43-49) are all looking for women who are no older than 45 - which means I wouldn't show up on their searches. And some of them are looking for women who are no older than five years younger than they are (e.g., 45 year-old guy who is looking for a woman between 30-40). What's up with that???
Anyyyyyyway... I'll give it one more try for the next month. I'm also looking for other opportunities to get out into social situations, but not much has come up yet.
Well, I re-signed at FS. My curiosity got the best of me and I just had to know what S had written to me. Not only can you not read e-mail that someone sends you unless you are a paid member, but you can't even see the title of the message!
Here it is, for what it's worth (surely not $30!):
From: LifeWriter
Date: Mar 7, 2010 9:48PM EST
Subject: I cant believe you are still on here
Googles;
What is the deal. I come on here to see if anythig has changed and here you are....I propose a freedom 50 deal; if we are both unattached when we are 50 we get married.
Cheers and good luck!
S
I replied to his message, and also sent a message off to the other guy who looked interesting. Neither of them has read the message yet.
In doing a quick search of the site (sometimes I'm picky with my search criteria*, sometimes not), I didn't really see anyone else of interest. I've set a reminder for myself to cancel my membership before it auto-renews in a month from now. My optimistic side says, "Maybe the guy you are meant to meet isn't on the site yet and will sign up in the next few weeks!" Right. I'm trying to continue to believe that.
And I also got another message from the 66-year-old guy who'd messaged me back in February. I just deleted that one.
*On the topic of search criteria (which isn't as important on FS as it is on PoF because there are far fewer people on FS to sort through), it's interesting to see what guys put on their preferences. The vast majority of guys who are within my searched age range (43-49) are all looking for women who are no older than 45 - which means I wouldn't show up on their searches. And some of them are looking for women who are no older than five years younger than they are (e.g., 45 year-old guy who is looking for a woman between 30-40). What's up with that???
Anyyyyyyway... I'll give it one more try for the next month. I'm also looking for other opportunities to get out into social situations, but not much has come up yet.
Monday, March 08, 2010
To Re-sign or Not to Re-sign?
A while back I closed all my on-line dating profiles. Closed, meaning "hidden" so that I wouldn't show up in someone's search results, but my account is still there so that if I decide to reactivate it, I don't have to re-do it.
Today, I got a message saying that I had new mail. Weird: how could I have new mail if my account is hidden? Well, it's mail from a guy I had been communicating with last May (before R and I hooked up) who had then dropped off for some reason. But since I am no longer a paying member, I can't read the message! I am so curious to read it, but I'd have to pay $29.95 for one month (or $59.95 for 3 months) just to read one message! That seems like a waste to me.
So, I then did a quick search to see who was on-line who fit my search parameters. There were a lot of the same old guys, but a few new ones, too. One guy really piqued my interest, but that was just based on his photo and his stats - he didn't have any write-up at all. I would feel weird e-mailing someone to say that I liked his stats the way he looked!
My friend L says that spring/summer is a bad time to do on-line because most guys want to be out meeting girls in skirts and sandals, not holed up typing on their computer. Interesting perspective.
So, I'm torn. I'll sit on it for a few days and see what I decide to do. Input is welcome!
Today, I got a message saying that I had new mail. Weird: how could I have new mail if my account is hidden? Well, it's mail from a guy I had been communicating with last May (before R and I hooked up) who had then dropped off for some reason. But since I am no longer a paying member, I can't read the message! I am so curious to read it, but I'd have to pay $29.95 for one month (or $59.95 for 3 months) just to read one message! That seems like a waste to me.
So, I then did a quick search to see who was on-line who fit my search parameters. There were a lot of the same old guys, but a few new ones, too. One guy really piqued my interest, but that was just based on his photo and his stats - he didn't have any write-up at all. I would feel weird e-mailing someone to say that I liked his stats the way he looked!
My friend L says that spring/summer is a bad time to do on-line because most guys want to be out meeting girls in skirts and sandals, not holed up typing on their computer. Interesting perspective.
So, I'm torn. I'll sit on it for a few days and see what I decide to do. Input is welcome!
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Baby Steps
I ran last night. I didn't over-think it, I just did it. It was Wednesday - my regular runpub day - and the weather was beautiful.
My new Lulu running capris were still sitting in the bag with the tags on. They were almost begging me to put them on.
For inspiration, I wore the Tri-It vest that C sent me. As I left the house I grabbed the one hat that was hanging by the door: my finisher's hat from Ironman Canada in 2006 - a reminder that this is something I do, something that is part of me.
I ran without a plan. S suggested a route, and I was fine with that. I've done the route before, so I know it is 6K (3K out, 3K back). I didn't wear a Garmin, or even turn on the chrono on my watch. I was running, and I didn't want to focus on how far or how fast I was going (because that would be a bit too much like "training"). Of course, in the back of my mind, I knew that S was wearing a watch and J (our other running partner) was wearing a Garmin.
When we finished our run, S asked me how long we'd run, as he'd forgotten to turn on his watch. I said that I hadn't, either, but that J was wearing her Garmin. Turns out that her battery had died, so she didn't have the time for our run, either. Perfect!
I really did enjoy the run last night: I was with friends, I felt good (not sluggish like I had the day before), and best of all I felt no pressure. I think I will carry on with this approach for the next few weeks: just run when the mood strikes me, go as far/fast as I feel like going at the time. No Garmin, no watch, no log. I always have a sense of how far/long I've run - partly because I know the distance of a lot of the routes I typically run, partly because I have a built-in clock that's pretty accurate. But I'm not going to officially track anything and just enjoy running for the time being.
My new Lulu running capris were still sitting in the bag with the tags on. They were almost begging me to put them on.
For inspiration, I wore the Tri-It vest that C sent me. As I left the house I grabbed the one hat that was hanging by the door: my finisher's hat from Ironman Canada in 2006 - a reminder that this is something I do, something that is part of me.
I ran without a plan. S suggested a route, and I was fine with that. I've done the route before, so I know it is 6K (3K out, 3K back). I didn't wear a Garmin, or even turn on the chrono on my watch. I was running, and I didn't want to focus on how far or how fast I was going (because that would be a bit too much like "training"). Of course, in the back of my mind, I knew that S was wearing a watch and J (our other running partner) was wearing a Garmin.
When we finished our run, S asked me how long we'd run, as he'd forgotten to turn on his watch. I said that I hadn't, either, but that J was wearing her Garmin. Turns out that her battery had died, so she didn't have the time for our run, either. Perfect!
I really did enjoy the run last night: I was with friends, I felt good (not sluggish like I had the day before), and best of all I felt no pressure. I think I will carry on with this approach for the next few weeks: just run when the mood strikes me, go as far/fast as I feel like going at the time. No Garmin, no watch, no log. I always have a sense of how far/long I've run - partly because I know the distance of a lot of the routes I typically run, partly because I have a built-in clock that's pretty accurate. But I'm not going to officially track anything and just enjoy running for the time being.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
To run or not to run?
As I was walking from the office to the train in the beautiful sunshine yesterday I was thinking about what it would take to get me running again.
I've discovered that the thing I was struggling with was the schedule, not the running/exercise itself. I felt like I "had" to do it; I "had" to stick to the schedule. As a result, I was not enoying the activities because I felt a sense of obligation to do them.
Generally speaking I am a "social exerciser." I enjoy the cameraderie of running and biking with friends. I enjoy solo running from time to time, but I almost always prefer to have company. For cycling, I ALWAYS prefer to have company: I don't like riding alone.
I'm also not really big on classes - spin class, body pump, yoga, whatever. I'm not really a "class" person. Now that's different than getting together with a group of friends for an indoor trainer ride - I quite like doing that (if it's the only option in the winter - I still prefer the outdoor ride).
So, going back to my original question: What will it take? Well, I know I will run again when I want to run. Not because I can't stand NOT running. It's a subtle difference, but it's very clear in my mind. Some people have a compulsion to run, and they will start running again because they just can't stand NOT running. I've been that person in the past. But this time, I am more focused on starting to run again because I want to enjoy the experience of running, not because I don't like the experience of NOT running. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this clearly, but it's the best I can do.
I did run yesterday. Briefly. I was again inspired to go for a walk in the sunshine when I got home from work. I took a slightly different route than I had the day before. Again, I had to run to catch a light, but then went right back to my walk. Towards the end, a song came on my iPod that inspired me to run, so I did. How long is a song? 4-5 minutes? That's about how long I ran. I felt very sluggish at first, and winded after I stopped. Ugh. I hope I was just having a bad day because it almost felt like how I felt 12 years ago when I first started running outside.
Today is Wednesday. The sun is shining and the weather will again be warm. I think I might want to run this afternoon. We'll see.
ETA: When I got home from my walk/run yesterday I opened the mail. Inside was my finisher's certificate from the Las Vegas Marathon. It's funny, because as I was struggling to run the three blocks a few minutes earlier, I was thinking that anyone who saw me would never imagine that I am a three-time Ironman and four-time marathoner! LOL Maybe I needed to see that certificate to remind me that I am.
I've discovered that the thing I was struggling with was the schedule, not the running/exercise itself. I felt like I "had" to do it; I "had" to stick to the schedule. As a result, I was not enoying the activities because I felt a sense of obligation to do them.
Generally speaking I am a "social exerciser." I enjoy the cameraderie of running and biking with friends. I enjoy solo running from time to time, but I almost always prefer to have company. For cycling, I ALWAYS prefer to have company: I don't like riding alone.
I'm also not really big on classes - spin class, body pump, yoga, whatever. I'm not really a "class" person. Now that's different than getting together with a group of friends for an indoor trainer ride - I quite like doing that (if it's the only option in the winter - I still prefer the outdoor ride).
So, going back to my original question: What will it take? Well, I know I will run again when I want to run. Not because I can't stand NOT running. It's a subtle difference, but it's very clear in my mind. Some people have a compulsion to run, and they will start running again because they just can't stand NOT running. I've been that person in the past. But this time, I am more focused on starting to run again because I want to enjoy the experience of running, not because I don't like the experience of NOT running. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this clearly, but it's the best I can do.
I did run yesterday. Briefly. I was again inspired to go for a walk in the sunshine when I got home from work. I took a slightly different route than I had the day before. Again, I had to run to catch a light, but then went right back to my walk. Towards the end, a song came on my iPod that inspired me to run, so I did. How long is a song? 4-5 minutes? That's about how long I ran. I felt very sluggish at first, and winded after I stopped. Ugh. I hope I was just having a bad day because it almost felt like how I felt 12 years ago when I first started running outside.
Today is Wednesday. The sun is shining and the weather will again be warm. I think I might want to run this afternoon. We'll see.
ETA: When I got home from my walk/run yesterday I opened the mail. Inside was my finisher's certificate from the Las Vegas Marathon. It's funny, because as I was struggling to run the three blocks a few minutes earlier, I was thinking that anyone who saw me would never imagine that I am a three-time Ironman and four-time marathoner! LOL Maybe I needed to see that certificate to remind me that I am.
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
Confession
I went for a walk after work yesterday. The weather was so nice and I felt like I was "wasting" a perfectly good day due to my exercise ban.
I deliberately didn't wear a sports bra so that I wouldn't be tempted to run. Even though I had my running shoes on, nothing else was really "running" gear, so I wasn't even tempted (except when I had to jog across the street when the light was changing).
The walk was lovely! I didn't time myself or wear my Garmin. I think I was out about 30 minutes, but that's just an estimate. It really doesn't matter. Today is supposed to be another beautiful day, so I might do this again.
I know I will run again. And I'm unlikely to hold out for the full five weeks, especially if the weather is this good. But when I do get back into it, it will not be on a schedule. I will run when I feel like running, and not run when I don't.
I deliberately didn't wear a sports bra so that I wouldn't be tempted to run. Even though I had my running shoes on, nothing else was really "running" gear, so I wasn't even tempted (except when I had to jog across the street when the light was changing).
The walk was lovely! I didn't time myself or wear my Garmin. I think I was out about 30 minutes, but that's just an estimate. It really doesn't matter. Today is supposed to be another beautiful day, so I might do this again.
I know I will run again. And I'm unlikely to hold out for the full five weeks, especially if the weather is this good. But when I do get back into it, it will not be on a schedule. I will run when I feel like running, and not run when I don't.
Monday, March 01, 2010
Running, exercise and diet ban
I haven't written here about diet or weight loss in quite a while. A little bit of background: last Monday I kind of hit a wall and didn't feel able to keep up with my regular routine of diet and exercise. I made the decision to "give up" those things for the next 4-5 weeks.
Here's what I wrote on RM about it:
So, as I wrote in the Training forum as well as in my Journal, I am taking a break from exercise for a while. Even thought I was fairly candid in my original post about my reasons, it's really so complicated.
It was unreal - I was actually walking to the gym in the blowing snow when I stopped in my tracks, turned 180 degrees and walked back to the car. It was a painful decision at first, but then very liberating to do it. The good thing is that it's on my own terms (not a forced break due to injury).
I've always believed that we "make" our own situations in life. We are where we are (largely) due to the choices we make, or how we choose to respond to the events that life presents us with. But I was just starting to feel in so many areas of my life that it didn't matter what I did, I was either beating my head against a brick wall, or I was on this endless treadmill that was getting me nowhere. So I made the decision to "do a different thing" (as George Costanza would say), hoping to get different results.
I'm tired: physically, mentally, and emotionally. I just need a break before I break!
I'm still not 100% sure I've made the right decision or how I am going to handle it. With C and A in town this weekend we had planned to run and I was looking forward to it (in a way), but also dreading it in other ways. In the end, we never ran because we stayed up too late on Friday and drank too much on Saturday. Oops.
It's weird: I did have a dream over the weekend in which I was running.
Some observations after eight days of not running, exercising, or dieting:
1) I still don't miss it (yet).
2) I still have lots of the same little aches and pains I had when I was still running.
3) I feel fat and sluggish.
4) I am tired, though I think that also has to do with staying up late watching Olympics the past 17 days, as well as a weekend of too much alcohol and too little sleep.
5) Mentally and emotionally, I love not being a slave to the schedule.
6) Now that the Olympics are over, I have to find something else to do with my time so that I don't waste the time I used to spend exercising on stupid and meaningless things.
#3 is the most concerning for me. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that. I don't want to "diet" (which, to me, means counting calories, limiting portions, and forbidding myself to eat certain foods) but I don't want my eating to go to hell, either. And with the lack of exercise, every extra thing I put in my mouth will go directly to my gut.
I've had mixed reactions from friends (running and non-running) and family (non-running) about this. And though people are well-meaning, I don't know that I really want to hear all their opinions on what they think I should or shouldn't do. At least not right now, since I'll be taking their "opinions" and "suggestions" as criticisms of my decision, whether or not they are meant that way. That's why I'm posting this here instead of over on RM.
Here's what I wrote on RM about it:
So, as I wrote in the Training forum as well as in my Journal, I am taking a break from exercise for a while. Even thought I was fairly candid in my original post about my reasons, it's really so complicated.
It was unreal - I was actually walking to the gym in the blowing snow when I stopped in my tracks, turned 180 degrees and walked back to the car. It was a painful decision at first, but then very liberating to do it. The good thing is that it's on my own terms (not a forced break due to injury).
I've always believed that we "make" our own situations in life. We are where we are (largely) due to the choices we make, or how we choose to respond to the events that life presents us with. But I was just starting to feel in so many areas of my life that it didn't matter what I did, I was either beating my head against a brick wall, or I was on this endless treadmill that was getting me nowhere. So I made the decision to "do a different thing" (as George Costanza would say), hoping to get different results.
I'm tired: physically, mentally, and emotionally. I just need a break before I break!
I'm still not 100% sure I've made the right decision or how I am going to handle it. With C and A in town this weekend we had planned to run and I was looking forward to it (in a way), but also dreading it in other ways. In the end, we never ran because we stayed up too late on Friday and drank too much on Saturday. Oops.
It's weird: I did have a dream over the weekend in which I was running.
Some observations after eight days of not running, exercising, or dieting:
1) I still don't miss it (yet).
2) I still have lots of the same little aches and pains I had when I was still running.
3) I feel fat and sluggish.
4) I am tired, though I think that also has to do with staying up late watching Olympics the past 17 days, as well as a weekend of too much alcohol and too little sleep.
5) Mentally and emotionally, I love not being a slave to the schedule.
6) Now that the Olympics are over, I have to find something else to do with my time so that I don't waste the time I used to spend exercising on stupid and meaningless things.
#3 is the most concerning for me. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that. I don't want to "diet" (which, to me, means counting calories, limiting portions, and forbidding myself to eat certain foods) but I don't want my eating to go to hell, either. And with the lack of exercise, every extra thing I put in my mouth will go directly to my gut.
I've had mixed reactions from friends (running and non-running) and family (non-running) about this. And though people are well-meaning, I don't know that I really want to hear all their opinions on what they think I should or shouldn't do. At least not right now, since I'll be taking their "opinions" and "suggestions" as criticisms of my decision, whether or not they are meant that way. That's why I'm posting this here instead of over on RM.
Monday, February 22, 2010
And then there were none
My dating pool is now completely empty. Here's how things played out since Friday:
Friday, 10:18AM
Him: Would you like to go for coffee on Sunday...
11:15AM
Me: Sure. When and where? The afternoon is best for me.
5:40PM
Him: I wouldn't mind coming to (your neighbourhood)... The afternoon works for me...
5:45PM
Me: Be sure to pack a lunch for your journey ;) Give me a call and we can settle on a location/time.
Saturday - nothing.
Sunday, 11:30AM
Me: Good morning. What's the plan for this aft?
4:21PM
Him: Oh my gosh! I am sooo sorry, but I didn't think that we were on for today. :( I must have missed a text or voice mail from you... It's totally my fault I should have phoned you Friday after work.
=======================================
I have not replied to his last text. What's to reply to? Am I to say that it's no problem that he totally blew me off? That it's OK? That I'll make myself available (again) for him this week? No.
If he hadn't cancelled our previous date (by TEXT!!) the week before, I might have overlooked it. If he had actually CALLED ME at 4:20 yesterday instead of SENDING A TEXT, I might have given him another chance. But no; this is stupid.
I also know that it's a test of my new resolve not to be so damned accommodating. Any time I put something out there to the universe I always get tested on how serious I am about it.
So, with J out of the picture, I've managed to successfully exhaust my pool of potential dates. I've closed my two on-line accounts, so the pool isn't likely to be replenished any time soon.
I already have a cat - anyone know where I can get a moo-moo?
Friday, 10:18AM
Him: Would you like to go for coffee on Sunday...
11:15AM
Me: Sure. When and where? The afternoon is best for me.
5:40PM
Him: I wouldn't mind coming to (your neighbourhood)... The afternoon works for me...
5:45PM
Me: Be sure to pack a lunch for your journey ;) Give me a call and we can settle on a location/time.
Saturday - nothing.
Sunday, 11:30AM
Me: Good morning. What's the plan for this aft?
4:21PM
Him: Oh my gosh! I am sooo sorry, but I didn't think that we were on for today. :( I must have missed a text or voice mail from you... It's totally my fault I should have phoned you Friday after work.
=======================================
I have not replied to his last text. What's to reply to? Am I to say that it's no problem that he totally blew me off? That it's OK? That I'll make myself available (again) for him this week? No.
If he hadn't cancelled our previous date (by TEXT!!) the week before, I might have overlooked it. If he had actually CALLED ME at 4:20 yesterday instead of SENDING A TEXT, I might have given him another chance. But no; this is stupid.
I also know that it's a test of my new resolve not to be so damned accommodating. Any time I put something out there to the universe I always get tested on how serious I am about it.
So, with J out of the picture, I've managed to successfully exhaust my pool of potential dates. I've closed my two on-line accounts, so the pool isn't likely to be replenished any time soon.
I already have a cat - anyone know where I can get a moo-moo?
Friday, February 19, 2010
Two-day Rule
My sister and I had an interesting discussion last night. Something I've come to realize is that in an attempt to be less rigid, more spontaneous, and generally agreeable, I have also become overly-accommodating. This is a problem because it means that I am TOO easy-going, and don't put my foot down when something is important to me. Instead, I pretend like it isn't a big deal, and just stew about it internally.
This applies especially in my dating life. You all remember J, the one I was supposed to go running with on Monday and who TEXTED me late Sunday night to cancel? Well, I was VERY accommodating with him, telling him that it was no problem that he cancelled (BY TEXT!!) and that I was free next/this weekend. So, I hadn't actually heard from J all week and had pretty much written him off. My friend L suggested that perhaps he saw me as too available, thereby making me less marketable. He claims that guys like the hunt; they like the challenge of someone who is just a little bit out of their reach.
Back to the conversation with my sister... she asked me what I thought would be a reasonable lead time to expect from someone asking me out on a date. I said that two days would likely be reasonable (I know The Rules say not to accept a weekend date that is made after Wednesday, the theory being that it just means the guy has exhausted all his other potential dates and he's just getting around to you). But I hate The Rules, prefering to make my own rules. She suggested that I do just that - make my own rules - and then be diligent in applying them for the next six months to see what happens. I agreed to do that.
This morning, I was thinking about my new two-day rule - keeping J in mind, and wondering how I would handle it if he contacted me at the last minute to ask me out. Well, I got back from a meeting around 10:30 and lo and behold I had a text from him asking me if I'd like to get together for coffee on Sunday! Today is Friday... Saturday... Sunday... that's exactly TWO DAYS! Yay, I can accept the date! :)
So, I'm not sure what time or where we're meeting. His last text to me was at 11AM ["I'm free all day... I can come to you if you like. :)], which I replied to at 12:30. Still no reply. Hmpf.
This applies especially in my dating life. You all remember J, the one I was supposed to go running with on Monday and who TEXTED me late Sunday night to cancel? Well, I was VERY accommodating with him, telling him that it was no problem that he cancelled (BY TEXT!!) and that I was free next/this weekend. So, I hadn't actually heard from J all week and had pretty much written him off. My friend L suggested that perhaps he saw me as too available, thereby making me less marketable. He claims that guys like the hunt; they like the challenge of someone who is just a little bit out of their reach.
Back to the conversation with my sister... she asked me what I thought would be a reasonable lead time to expect from someone asking me out on a date. I said that two days would likely be reasonable (I know The Rules say not to accept a weekend date that is made after Wednesday, the theory being that it just means the guy has exhausted all his other potential dates and he's just getting around to you). But I hate The Rules, prefering to make my own rules. She suggested that I do just that - make my own rules - and then be diligent in applying them for the next six months to see what happens. I agreed to do that.
This morning, I was thinking about my new two-day rule - keeping J in mind, and wondering how I would handle it if he contacted me at the last minute to ask me out. Well, I got back from a meeting around 10:30 and lo and behold I had a text from him asking me if I'd like to get together for coffee on Sunday! Today is Friday... Saturday... Sunday... that's exactly TWO DAYS! Yay, I can accept the date! :)
So, I'm not sure what time or where we're meeting. His last text to me was at 11AM ["I'm free all day... I can come to you if you like. :)], which I replied to at 12:30. Still no reply. Hmpf.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Is Text the new "Post-it"?
Remember that episode of Sex and the City where Carrie's boyfriend breaks up with her via Post-it note? I wonder if text messaging is the new Post-it?
As you know, I was supposed to get together with J on Monday to go for a run. We hadn't spoken or e-mailed since our two-hour phone conversation on Wednesday, even though he said he'd call me over the weekend to confirm. By 10PM Sunday night I still hadn't heard from him and was beginning to wonder if I would. I mean, I've had guys say they were going to call who never did, but I didn't really expect that J would be "that guy." Then again, I did have a great conversation with a guy named M last year who then never called again, so who knows.
OK, so it's 10PM Sunday night and I get a vibe-vibe-beep on my Blackberry that a text has come through. Two of them, in fact. I've since deleted them, so I can't remember the exact wording, but basically he said that his day on Monday wasn't going to work out the way he thought (had to work later than anticipated) so could we put our run off until the following weekend. He also admitted in his text that a) it was late notice, and b) that it was coming by text, so he knew he was being lame.
I replied that it was fine with me, but that we could meet for a coffee instead of a run if that suited him better. The reason I proposed that was because I had sensed that maybe he wasn't so excited about running with me (insecure, is the feeling I got from him). He replied that either was fine. I said that my schedule for the week was pretty flexible, so to let me know when he wanted to reschedule. He replied, "That's awesome, thanks." My (final) reply to that (not that I was trying to have the last word), "Looking forward to finally meeting you in person. Have a good night." His reply: "You too..."
I know that I don't want to get into a situation where I have to "convince" someone that he wants to (or should want to) go out with me. I'm not going to play that game anymore - mostly for my own peace of mind than anything else. I just don't think it's good for me to go down the road of pining over someone who is not into me. If a guy wants to be with me then he's going to have to make an effort. I can be flexible. I can be understanding. And I am also extremely forgiving. But I also have limits.
So, as I said to a few of you via e-mail, I'm not holding my breath that I will hear from him. I am not saying that to be negative, but I just don't want to get my hopes up. I don't know what's going on in his head and in his life, so I have no clue if he's "just not that into me," if he's got something else going on with someone else, or if he just has other things going on in his life at the moment. And I really don't care!
All I know is that we had a date and he cancelled it. Via text.
As you know, I was supposed to get together with J on Monday to go for a run. We hadn't spoken or e-mailed since our two-hour phone conversation on Wednesday, even though he said he'd call me over the weekend to confirm. By 10PM Sunday night I still hadn't heard from him and was beginning to wonder if I would. I mean, I've had guys say they were going to call who never did, but I didn't really expect that J would be "that guy." Then again, I did have a great conversation with a guy named M last year who then never called again, so who knows.
OK, so it's 10PM Sunday night and I get a vibe-vibe-beep on my Blackberry that a text has come through. Two of them, in fact. I've since deleted them, so I can't remember the exact wording, but basically he said that his day on Monday wasn't going to work out the way he thought (had to work later than anticipated) so could we put our run off until the following weekend. He also admitted in his text that a) it was late notice, and b) that it was coming by text, so he knew he was being lame.
I replied that it was fine with me, but that we could meet for a coffee instead of a run if that suited him better. The reason I proposed that was because I had sensed that maybe he wasn't so excited about running with me (insecure, is the feeling I got from him). He replied that either was fine. I said that my schedule for the week was pretty flexible, so to let me know when he wanted to reschedule. He replied, "That's awesome, thanks." My (final) reply to that (not that I was trying to have the last word), "Looking forward to finally meeting you in person. Have a good night." His reply: "You too..."
I know that I don't want to get into a situation where I have to "convince" someone that he wants to (or should want to) go out with me. I'm not going to play that game anymore - mostly for my own peace of mind than anything else. I just don't think it's good for me to go down the road of pining over someone who is not into me. If a guy wants to be with me then he's going to have to make an effort. I can be flexible. I can be understanding. And I am also extremely forgiving. But I also have limits.
So, as I said to a few of you via e-mail, I'm not holding my breath that I will hear from him. I am not saying that to be negative, but I just don't want to get my hopes up. I don't know what's going on in his head and in his life, so I have no clue if he's "just not that into me," if he's got something else going on with someone else, or if he just has other things going on in his life at the moment. And I really don't care!
All I know is that we had a date and he cancelled it. Via text.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
One more kick at the can
Well, I said I was out of the dating game (and that's not entirely untrue, since I took down my on-line profiles), but I think I'm back for one more try.
J called me last night and we talked for two hours. Just to remind you of who J is, he's a guy I met on POF well over a month ago, but who was a very slow responder. Even after he gave me his e-mail address it was well over a week before I heard back from him.
The last I'd heard from him (last week) he said he would call me on Wednesday night, but he never did. We'd talked about getting together for a run, so I e-mailed him on Thursday to say that I was going away for the weekend. Finally yesterday I got an e-mail from him asking how my weekend was and saying that he'd call me that night.
Given that he'd said that the week before, I wasn't holding my breath. Well, he did call - and we talked on the phone for two hours last night! I was worried that the battery on my BB was going to die. Talking to him was really easy. He's got a nice voice and a good (but subtle) sense of humour. Luckily, I could pick up when he was joking about something, as sometimes subtlety can be lost on me.
What I learned about him:
* He's 42, 6'2" and 240 pounds. He says he's not overweight, but that he's about 20 pounds over his ideal weight. He likes to work out, so it's safe to assume that a lot of that is muscle. I like big guys, so that's fine with me.
* His BD is 8 days after mine, so he's also a Sagittarius.
* He was married once for a year, but they'd been together for 9 years in total. He's had at least one relationship since his divorce.
* He lives/works in Mississauga, grew up in Oakville, and has lived in Georgetown, Milton, and the States.
* He has an older sister who is my age.
* He has a cat (that he got around the same time I got Pepper) that he rescued. He found it in the middle of the road, it had been hit by a car (he almost hit it again himself), so he took it to an emergency vet. They said they didn't think she would live, but she did. They called him back a few days later and said he could take her home if he wanted, but that she'd likely be blind. Well, she eventually regained her eyesight and is fine now. She has a silly name like "Snuggles" or something like that.
* He runs! He's training for his first 1/2 Marathon in Mississauga in May. We run about the same pace, which is why I suggested we get together for a run.
* He used to work in the financial industry, but a few years ago packed it in because he didn't like the lifestyle. He felt he'd gotten too wrapped up in all the pressure of trading stocks, etc. Now he works as a personal support worker, which I'm assuming means he's some type of care-giver for people who cannot take care of themselves.
So, that's most of what I know about him. He did pass one of my litmus tests, which is that he asked me as much about myself as I did about him - it wasn't all one-sided like I've had in the past. I also really liked the fact that he wasn't trying to "sell himself" to me, the way that some of the guys I've dated recently have done. He's kind of like me in some ways.
He has to work this weekend (works every second weekend), so we have tentative plans to meet for a run on Monday afternoon (since it's a holiday). I said that I didn't have any firm plans for the weekend, so if he found himself with nothing to do and wanted to get together to give me a call. He said he'd call me before the weekend was over to confirm about Monday anyway.
That's it! I feel good about this one, but I'm not getting too far ahead of myself. The only potential issue I see is the fact that we live at complete opposite ends of the city (he in the far north west, me in the south east). He does work in the southern part of Mississauga, which is closer to me. I guess it's not really an issue, just something we'll have to plan around
J called me last night and we talked for two hours. Just to remind you of who J is, he's a guy I met on POF well over a month ago, but who was a very slow responder. Even after he gave me his e-mail address it was well over a week before I heard back from him.
The last I'd heard from him (last week) he said he would call me on Wednesday night, but he never did. We'd talked about getting together for a run, so I e-mailed him on Thursday to say that I was going away for the weekend. Finally yesterday I got an e-mail from him asking how my weekend was and saying that he'd call me that night.
Given that he'd said that the week before, I wasn't holding my breath. Well, he did call - and we talked on the phone for two hours last night! I was worried that the battery on my BB was going to die. Talking to him was really easy. He's got a nice voice and a good (but subtle) sense of humour. Luckily, I could pick up when he was joking about something, as sometimes subtlety can be lost on me.
What I learned about him:
* He's 42, 6'2" and 240 pounds. He says he's not overweight, but that he's about 20 pounds over his ideal weight. He likes to work out, so it's safe to assume that a lot of that is muscle. I like big guys, so that's fine with me.
* His BD is 8 days after mine, so he's also a Sagittarius.
* He was married once for a year, but they'd been together for 9 years in total. He's had at least one relationship since his divorce.
* He lives/works in Mississauga, grew up in Oakville, and has lived in Georgetown, Milton, and the States.
* He has an older sister who is my age.
* He has a cat (that he got around the same time I got Pepper) that he rescued. He found it in the middle of the road, it had been hit by a car (he almost hit it again himself), so he took it to an emergency vet. They said they didn't think she would live, but she did. They called him back a few days later and said he could take her home if he wanted, but that she'd likely be blind. Well, she eventually regained her eyesight and is fine now. She has a silly name like "Snuggles" or something like that.
* He runs! He's training for his first 1/2 Marathon in Mississauga in May. We run about the same pace, which is why I suggested we get together for a run.
* He used to work in the financial industry, but a few years ago packed it in because he didn't like the lifestyle. He felt he'd gotten too wrapped up in all the pressure of trading stocks, etc. Now he works as a personal support worker, which I'm assuming means he's some type of care-giver for people who cannot take care of themselves.
So, that's most of what I know about him. He did pass one of my litmus tests, which is that he asked me as much about myself as I did about him - it wasn't all one-sided like I've had in the past. I also really liked the fact that he wasn't trying to "sell himself" to me, the way that some of the guys I've dated recently have done. He's kind of like me in some ways.
He has to work this weekend (works every second weekend), so we have tentative plans to meet for a run on Monday afternoon (since it's a holiday). I said that I didn't have any firm plans for the weekend, so if he found himself with nothing to do and wanted to get together to give me a call. He said he'd call me before the weekend was over to confirm about Monday anyway.
That's it! I feel good about this one, but I'm not getting too far ahead of myself. The only potential issue I see is the fact that we live at complete opposite ends of the city (he in the far north west, me in the south east). He does work in the southern part of Mississauga, which is closer to me. I guess it's not really an issue, just something we'll have to plan around
Friday, February 05, 2010
To be the kind of person who...
Recently I read a quote that stuck with me. It was unrelated to dating, but I could see how it might apply, given some tweaking: “Be the kind of person who takes supplements, but don’t.” For the record, that comes from Michael Pollan’s new book, Food Rules. His theory is that people who take supplements generally take better care of their health, are more mindful of the quality of what they eat, and are therefore healthier. They don’t “have” to take supplements (because they get all the nutrition they need from the variety of food they eat), but they are the type of person who would.
This linking of the original quote to its application in the dating world came about through a discussion with my cousin, J, who is artistic in nature, loves film, video, music, fashion, etc. But she says that dating people in those areas is really frustrating because jobs in those industries are so unpredictable and have brutal schedules. She once tried dating a chef she met on a catering job, but it didn’t work out because he was always working when she wasn’t. What I said to her was, “So, you want to date someone who would work in film, but doesn’t.”
Her reply: “That’s it, exactly!”
So, in the age-old question posed to me regarding what kind of guy I’m interested in, I’d have to say that he fits the following:
He’s the kind of person who could build a house, but doesn’t. He’s the kind of person who could be a Sommelier, Chef or Art Dealer, but isn’t. He could ride his bike across the country, but won’t. He could be a CEO, but isn't.
What those things have in common is that they describe some qualities I am looking for (handy around the house, appreciates food/wine/art, is physically active, smart, career-oriented), but who is just a regular guy who has a wide variety of interests, but is not consumed by the lifestyle that often accompanies those interests (especially if it’s his profession).
In a way, someone like me! Except for the house-building part. I wouldn’t want to be a chef or own a restaurant because it would take over my life, leaving little room for anything (or anyone) else. I also choose to have a career that allows me to have the work/life balance I want.
This linking of the original quote to its application in the dating world came about through a discussion with my cousin, J, who is artistic in nature, loves film, video, music, fashion, etc. But she says that dating people in those areas is really frustrating because jobs in those industries are so unpredictable and have brutal schedules. She once tried dating a chef she met on a catering job, but it didn’t work out because he was always working when she wasn’t. What I said to her was, “So, you want to date someone who would work in film, but doesn’t.”
Her reply: “That’s it, exactly!”
So, in the age-old question posed to me regarding what kind of guy I’m interested in, I’d have to say that he fits the following:
He’s the kind of person who could build a house, but doesn’t. He’s the kind of person who could be a Sommelier, Chef or Art Dealer, but isn’t. He could ride his bike across the country, but won’t. He could be a CEO, but isn't.
What those things have in common is that they describe some qualities I am looking for (handy around the house, appreciates food/wine/art, is physically active, smart, career-oriented), but who is just a regular guy who has a wide variety of interests, but is not consumed by the lifestyle that often accompanies those interests (especially if it’s his profession).
In a way, someone like me! Except for the house-building part. I wouldn’t want to be a chef or own a restaurant because it would take over my life, leaving little room for anything (or anyone) else. I also choose to have a career that allows me to have the work/life balance I want.
Monday, February 01, 2010
On a break
Update on R: We're done, before it even got going. After a frustrating weekend where we never seemed to be able to connect, we finally met for a late dinner on Sunday. I just didn't have it in me to go there again. I hated the way I'd been feeling the last couple of days, and I didn't see how things were ever going to change. Part of that was due to his own unwillingness to change or to see things from my POV. The thing that really bugged me, though, is that he's making this out to be MY failing. What is it about men who are unwilling to accept responsibility for the part they play in the failure of the relationship?
Update on dating in general: I've taken my profile down. I have four messages from guys in whom I have no interest sitting in my mailbox and I'm not going to reply to any of them. I'm not going to accept M's friend request on FB and if he calls/e-mails me again, I am not going to respond. There is also J, a guy I've e-mailed off the site that I haven't heard back from yet (he's a slow responder at the best of times). If I hear from him, I'll see where that goes, but after that I'm done.
I just can't do this anymore.
Update on dating in general: I've taken my profile down. I have four messages from guys in whom I have no interest sitting in my mailbox and I'm not going to reply to any of them. I'm not going to accept M's friend request on FB and if he calls/e-mails me again, I am not going to respond. There is also J, a guy I've e-mailed off the site that I haven't heard back from yet (he's a slow responder at the best of times). If I hear from him, I'll see where that goes, but after that I'm done.
I just can't do this anymore.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Something old, something new
I got an e-mail from M (the guy I had the friends talk with) asking if I had time to get together to talk about triathlon. Hmmmm, OK. I said I was busy every night, but free during the day over the weekend, so we are meeting on Sunday afternoon. In my mind, he’s beating a dead horse. There is NOTHING he can do to change my mind and make me interested in dating him. I’ve told him that I’m not interested in him as anything more than a friend (and even that was a stretch – I really don’t see us ever “hanging out” on a regular basis). But I will still go and meet him for coffee.
I’ve also been communicating with J. We’ve exchanged a few e-mails (off the dating site) and I suggested we get together for a run. I haven't heard back yet. He lives in Mississauga (oy!) and is a runner, training for the half in May. He’s cute (from his photo), tall (6’2”) and looks to be pretty solidly built – definitely my type.
My other update (some, but not all of you know this) is that my ex, R, and I have been communicating again. It started last Friday when I sent him an e-mail with a link to a house listing. He called me that night and we talked for over an hour. It was good. Then on Monday I saw that he'd replied to my Friday e-mail (after I'd left for the day), so I did reply to that. There were some very racy e-mails exchanged, and then he called me again on Monday night and had another good long talk. We planned to get together on Thursday (last night). Well, an issue came up with his daughter and he had to spend the evening with her, so our plans were foiled. The last I heard from him last night was that we'd try to get together for lunch today.
I haven’t heard from him yet, so I have my running gear with me to head to the gym at lunch in case those plans fall through.
I think I'm going into this with a level head, not forgetting all the problems we had, but looking at it from the perspective of seeing if we have any common ground to move forward. I don't want to go back to what we had. I'm clear on what I need, and what I'm willing to give. If we can figure out a way that we can both get what we need, then great. If not, them I'm fine knowing that I did all I could to see if it could work.
I’ve also been communicating with J. We’ve exchanged a few e-mails (off the dating site) and I suggested we get together for a run. I haven't heard back yet. He lives in Mississauga (oy!) and is a runner, training for the half in May. He’s cute (from his photo), tall (6’2”) and looks to be pretty solidly built – definitely my type.
My other update (some, but not all of you know this) is that my ex, R, and I have been communicating again. It started last Friday when I sent him an e-mail with a link to a house listing. He called me that night and we talked for over an hour. It was good. Then on Monday I saw that he'd replied to my Friday e-mail (after I'd left for the day), so I did reply to that. There were some very racy e-mails exchanged, and then he called me again on Monday night and had another good long talk. We planned to get together on Thursday (last night). Well, an issue came up with his daughter and he had to spend the evening with her, so our plans were foiled. The last I heard from him last night was that we'd try to get together for lunch today.
I haven’t heard from him yet, so I have my running gear with me to head to the gym at lunch in case those plans fall through.
I think I'm going into this with a level head, not forgetting all the problems we had, but looking at it from the perspective of seeing if we have any common ground to move forward. I don't want to go back to what we had. I'm clear on what I need, and what I'm willing to give. If we can figure out a way that we can both get what we need, then great. If not, them I'm fine knowing that I did all I could to see if it could work.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
The Talk
Well, it took me almost an hour of chit-chat with him on the phone before I got the courage up to give him the "just friends" talk, but I did it. It went fine.
My objective going in was to simply tell him how I was feeling, without projecting anything on him, and also allowing him to save face if he is in fact interested in more that just a friendship with me.
I started off by saying that I was very touched by the message he sent me the other night saying that he thought I was a truly amazing woman. I told him that I thought he was pretty amazing himself, stepping up and taking on his kids full time when their mother left. I wanted him to know that I respected him for that. He really is a quality guy.
Then I told him that I had learned a lot from my last relationship, one thing being that it's always best to put your cards on the table with the other person as early as possible so that neither one is wondering how the other one is feeling. So I said that what I was feeling right now was more of a friendship than anything else. I said that I didn't see it developing into anything more at this point and that I wanted him to know that so that he could decide how he wanted to proceed.
Actually, I think I might have said, "Maybe I will, maybe I won't" which in retrospect I wish I hadn't said because that might give him a little glimmer of hope that if he's persistent that he can win me over. That's the only thing I regret about the conversation.
He said he was fine with that, that he's always looking to make more friends and broaden his social circle, so I think he got it.
Oh, he also told me that he Googled me and found the article that was written about me a few years ago about my weight-loss journey. That bugged me just a little bit, but I know that we're in the information age, so it's to be expected. I could never Google him because he has a very common name (his last name being probably the MOST common Chinese name) and shares it with a provincial MPP and cabinet minister.
Well, that's it for now. I was excited to see that I got a message from J, another guy I'd been communicating with. It was a bit of a let-down because it was just a one-line reply to a question I asked him, nothing more. I also got a message from a guy named D, but he has a few strikes against him: 49, 5'7" and lives in Newmarket.
My objective going in was to simply tell him how I was feeling, without projecting anything on him, and also allowing him to save face if he is in fact interested in more that just a friendship with me.
I started off by saying that I was very touched by the message he sent me the other night saying that he thought I was a truly amazing woman. I told him that I thought he was pretty amazing himself, stepping up and taking on his kids full time when their mother left. I wanted him to know that I respected him for that. He really is a quality guy.
Then I told him that I had learned a lot from my last relationship, one thing being that it's always best to put your cards on the table with the other person as early as possible so that neither one is wondering how the other one is feeling. So I said that what I was feeling right now was more of a friendship than anything else. I said that I didn't see it developing into anything more at this point and that I wanted him to know that so that he could decide how he wanted to proceed.
Actually, I think I might have said, "Maybe I will, maybe I won't" which in retrospect I wish I hadn't said because that might give him a little glimmer of hope that if he's persistent that he can win me over. That's the only thing I regret about the conversation.
He said he was fine with that, that he's always looking to make more friends and broaden his social circle, so I think he got it.
Oh, he also told me that he Googled me and found the article that was written about me a few years ago about my weight-loss journey. That bugged me just a little bit, but I know that we're in the information age, so it's to be expected. I could never Google him because he has a very common name (his last name being probably the MOST common Chinese name) and shares it with a provincial MPP and cabinet minister.
Well, that's it for now. I was excited to see that I got a message from J, another guy I'd been communicating with. It was a bit of a let-down because it was just a one-line reply to a question I asked him, nothing more. I also got a message from a guy named D, but he has a few strikes against him: 49, 5'7" and lives in Newmarket.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Good, but...
OK, I know I owe you all a date report from Saturday. Here it is:
M picked me up at 6PM. He called me at 6PM sharp to say he was downstairs. I went down, gave him a hug, he took my skates and I got into the car (he closed the door for me).
As we were driving, he said, “I checked the web site for skating and there is a DJ playing after 8PM so I thought we’d go to dinner first, then skating.” Oh, OK. I thought we’d do it the other way around, but no big deal. The drive down was fine, we had to wait about half an hour for a table, but we just sat and talked. He told me about how his kids never see their mum as she moved out west and has little contact with them.
Dinner was good. Conversation was good. After dinner, we got our skates from the car and walked down to the skating rink. It was PACKED with people. It was tough to really skate because it was so crowded. But we managed OK. I don’t know how long we skated in total. We took one break because my back was sore. Then I said that I was pretty much done (I’m sore in about a million places from all the workouts I’ve done in the last week). We put on our boots and then walked back to the car. We had a nice chat and he told me more about how his wife left (2 years ago) and how he lost his house as a result. He didn’t sound bitter (actually, now that I think about it, he didn’t really show any emotion at all).
The drive home was fine. He asked me questions about my life and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. As we got close to my place, he asked if I wanted to go for coffee. I said that I was starting to fade and that I’d prefer to just go home. When he dropped me off, I gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek.
Yesterday, I sent him a text to say thank you. I got THREE text messages in reply, one of which said, “Next time how about making dinner?” He seems so intent on getting together to make dinner (I’m guessing at my place, since he and his kids live with his mum). I didn’t reply to that message. Then, later that night I get the following text:
“Before I head to bed. Gotta be up with the birds tomorrow morning.
Just wanted to say "you are truely an amazing woman. "
Oy.
This morning, I replied “Thanks. That’s very nice of you to say. TTYL.”
So, I am definitely NOT feeling the same way he seems to be feeling. I knew last night that I didn't feel anything for him because all I kept thinking as we were skating was, "I hope he doesn't try to hold my hand." That's not a good sign.
I don’t want to over-analyze things, and all I can do is be true to how I am feeling – about him, about myself, about how I want to feel – and right now I am not feeling it with him. He’s nice. There’s nothing “wrong” with him. I’m just not attracted to him.
My conundrum is how to tell him that. I can’t do that via e-mail or text – that’s just rude. Perhaps we could talk on the phone. My hesitation in telling him in person is the fact that he wants to get together to cook at my place, and I’d rather just meet for coffee and tell him in some neutral place. I’ve had this conversation before (with A several months ago), though that one was a bit different because I positioned it as not being ready to move forward after my last relationship. This time, it’s not about the fact that I’m not ready to move forward; he’s just not the guy I want to move forward with! And I can pretty much be sure that spending more time with him isn’t going to change that. I don’t want to string him along or get his hopes up. Or get tied up in a way that would prevent either of us from meeting the person we are meant to be with.
Sigh. I think a phone call is in order.
M picked me up at 6PM. He called me at 6PM sharp to say he was downstairs. I went down, gave him a hug, he took my skates and I got into the car (he closed the door for me).
As we were driving, he said, “I checked the web site for skating and there is a DJ playing after 8PM so I thought we’d go to dinner first, then skating.” Oh, OK. I thought we’d do it the other way around, but no big deal. The drive down was fine, we had to wait about half an hour for a table, but we just sat and talked. He told me about how his kids never see their mum as she moved out west and has little contact with them.
Dinner was good. Conversation was good. After dinner, we got our skates from the car and walked down to the skating rink. It was PACKED with people. It was tough to really skate because it was so crowded. But we managed OK. I don’t know how long we skated in total. We took one break because my back was sore. Then I said that I was pretty much done (I’m sore in about a million places from all the workouts I’ve done in the last week). We put on our boots and then walked back to the car. We had a nice chat and he told me more about how his wife left (2 years ago) and how he lost his house as a result. He didn’t sound bitter (actually, now that I think about it, he didn’t really show any emotion at all).
The drive home was fine. He asked me questions about my life and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. As we got close to my place, he asked if I wanted to go for coffee. I said that I was starting to fade and that I’d prefer to just go home. When he dropped me off, I gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek.
Yesterday, I sent him a text to say thank you. I got THREE text messages in reply, one of which said, “Next time how about making dinner?” He seems so intent on getting together to make dinner (I’m guessing at my place, since he and his kids live with his mum). I didn’t reply to that message. Then, later that night I get the following text:
“Before I head to bed. Gotta be up with the birds tomorrow morning.
Just wanted to say "you are truely an amazing woman. "
Oy.
This morning, I replied “Thanks. That’s very nice of you to say. TTYL.”
So, I am definitely NOT feeling the same way he seems to be feeling. I knew last night that I didn't feel anything for him because all I kept thinking as we were skating was, "I hope he doesn't try to hold my hand." That's not a good sign.
I don’t want to over-analyze things, and all I can do is be true to how I am feeling – about him, about myself, about how I want to feel – and right now I am not feeling it with him. He’s nice. There’s nothing “wrong” with him. I’m just not attracted to him.
My conundrum is how to tell him that. I can’t do that via e-mail or text – that’s just rude. Perhaps we could talk on the phone. My hesitation in telling him in person is the fact that he wants to get together to cook at my place, and I’d rather just meet for coffee and tell him in some neutral place. I’ve had this conversation before (with A several months ago), though that one was a bit different because I positioned it as not being ready to move forward after my last relationship. This time, it’s not about the fact that I’m not ready to move forward; he’s just not the guy I want to move forward with! And I can pretty much be sure that spending more time with him isn’t going to change that. I don’t want to string him along or get his hopes up. Or get tied up in a way that would prevent either of us from meeting the person we are meant to be with.
Sigh. I think a phone call is in order.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Add one more...
Now there's another guy named J. He also lives in the 905, but he doesn't have kids, so that's a bit easier to deal with. He's 42, 6'2", and (from his photo) looks to have more of a body-builder's physique than a runner's physique, even though he does run. I prefer that body type (though I don't like guys who are too muscle-bound). He's a bit shy (self-proclaimed), but expresses himself well in e-mail. He looks cute. On the surface, he seems more my "type" than M does, but until we meet in person, it's all speculation.
I also got a message from a guy (can't remember his name) that I haven't responded to yet. I think he's a runner, but I'm not attracted to him and he's too old (51 - and looks it from his photo). Plus, he looks to be one of those skinny/gaunt runner types that I'm not really attracted to. Shallow, I know.
My date with M is set for tomorrow. He is picking me up at 6PM to go skating, then to dinner. Personally, I think that 6PM is too late - by the time we get to dinner it will be after 8PM, I'm sure. We're going to The Keg, which is fine, but I don't know that a) I want to eat that much, and b) that I want him to spend that much money. I'm going to offer to split the bill. Can you feel the excitement in my voice??? Oy.
I also got a message from a guy (can't remember his name) that I haven't responded to yet. I think he's a runner, but I'm not attracted to him and he's too old (51 - and looks it from his photo). Plus, he looks to be one of those skinny/gaunt runner types that I'm not really attracted to. Shallow, I know.
My date with M is set for tomorrow. He is picking me up at 6PM to go skating, then to dinner. Personally, I think that 6PM is too late - by the time we get to dinner it will be after 8PM, I'm sure. We're going to The Keg, which is fine, but I don't know that a) I want to eat that much, and b) that I want him to spend that much money. I'm going to offer to split the bill. Can you feel the excitement in my voice??? Oy.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Date Number Two
So, I have a second date scheduled with M. We texted yesterday afternoon and he asked me to go skating on Saturday followed by dinner. I have mixed feelings about this:
- I'm happy to be going on a second date, skating is fun, dinner is fun. It will be good to see him again since that will give me a better sense of whether I am into him.
- He suggested cooking dinner for me at my place after skating, to which I replied, "Hmmm. Not sure about that" (because I'm not sure I want him to come over - I'm uncomfortable enough with the fact that he wants to pick me up, rather than just meeting there). Oh, and is it bad that when he texted: "Ceasar salad. Bruschetta. Pasta. Wine" my first thought was, "I don't like Ceasar salad."
- He's doing "all the right things" in how he is pursuing me.
- So far, I haven't felt any physical attraction to him. To answer Heather's question from my last post, it's not the fact that he is Chinese (culturally) that bothers me; I just don't find myself attracted to him. I suppose the fact that he is Chinese contributes to that, but it's not the main reason. I've found myself attracted to black guys and Indian guys in the past, but I don't think I've ever met an Asian guy who has turned me on. I have a few male Chinese and Japanese friends, and I've never been attracted to any of them.
- I'm worried, based on some comments he made while we were e-mailing (i.e., before we met), that he seems to be intent on pursuing me, and isn't interested in pursuing anyone else. I, on the other hand, want to keep things casual, keep my options open, go out with other guys, etc. For example, he was quite persistent in e-mailing me, even when I hadn't replied to one or two of his messages. I'd indicated that I was hesitent to date someone who had full custody of his kids and lived in Mississauga. Some things he's written:
"Obviously there is a mutual attraction or we wouldn't be at this point, so now to fill in some of the blanks to nudge you off the fence.....lol" [Um, where did he get the idea that there was mutual attraction?? Just because I replied to his e-mail doesn't imply attraction!]
"In a profile I had read sometime ago this person wrote, "the problem with POF is, that everyone is always looking for that one better." That thought has stuck with me for sometime now. I had to agree with that statement. There is so much choice out there on Pof that you get the feeling that the grass might just be a little greener with the next profile. I'll be honest, I've felt that way. I've had that What if feeling??? Well, I'd have to say I had that feeling up until the day I replied to your profile. I have no desire to seek greener pastures at the moment. At this point I'd say I've found a diamond in the rough so to speak. Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket just yet, heck we haven't even met yet, but I'd like to give this my best shot to get the opportunity to meet." [OK, this just scares me a little]
I guess I'm kind of feeling like the frog in the pot of hot water at the moment. I'm feeling under pressure to pursue and develop something that I'm just not sure is there for me, just because it is for him. I don't want to lead him on and have him spend all this money on me. I feel guilty about that.
So, I really don't know what to do. I will go skating on Saturday and try to be as open-minded as possible. But beyond that, I haven't a clue.
- I'm happy to be going on a second date, skating is fun, dinner is fun. It will be good to see him again since that will give me a better sense of whether I am into him.
- He suggested cooking dinner for me at my place after skating, to which I replied, "Hmmm. Not sure about that" (because I'm not sure I want him to come over - I'm uncomfortable enough with the fact that he wants to pick me up, rather than just meeting there). Oh, and is it bad that when he texted: "Ceasar salad. Bruschetta. Pasta. Wine" my first thought was, "I don't like Ceasar salad."
- He's doing "all the right things" in how he is pursuing me.
- So far, I haven't felt any physical attraction to him. To answer Heather's question from my last post, it's not the fact that he is Chinese (culturally) that bothers me; I just don't find myself attracted to him. I suppose the fact that he is Chinese contributes to that, but it's not the main reason. I've found myself attracted to black guys and Indian guys in the past, but I don't think I've ever met an Asian guy who has turned me on. I have a few male Chinese and Japanese friends, and I've never been attracted to any of them.
- I'm worried, based on some comments he made while we were e-mailing (i.e., before we met), that he seems to be intent on pursuing me, and isn't interested in pursuing anyone else. I, on the other hand, want to keep things casual, keep my options open, go out with other guys, etc. For example, he was quite persistent in e-mailing me, even when I hadn't replied to one or two of his messages. I'd indicated that I was hesitent to date someone who had full custody of his kids and lived in Mississauga. Some things he's written:
"Obviously there is a mutual attraction or we wouldn't be at this point, so now to fill in some of the blanks to nudge you off the fence.....lol" [Um, where did he get the idea that there was mutual attraction?? Just because I replied to his e-mail doesn't imply attraction!]
"In a profile I had read sometime ago this person wrote, "the problem with POF is, that everyone is always looking for that one better." That thought has stuck with me for sometime now. I had to agree with that statement. There is so much choice out there on Pof that you get the feeling that the grass might just be a little greener with the next profile. I'll be honest, I've felt that way. I've had that What if feeling??? Well, I'd have to say I had that feeling up until the day I replied to your profile. I have no desire to seek greener pastures at the moment. At this point I'd say I've found a diamond in the rough so to speak. Don't get me wrong, I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket just yet, heck we haven't even met yet, but I'd like to give this my best shot to get the opportunity to meet." [OK, this just scares me a little]
I guess I'm kind of feeling like the frog in the pot of hot water at the moment. I'm feeling under pressure to pursue and develop something that I'm just not sure is there for me, just because it is for him. I don't want to lead him on and have him spend all this money on me. I feel guilty about that.
So, I really don't know what to do. I will go skating on Saturday and try to be as open-minded as possible. But beyond that, I haven't a clue.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Ranking
I was thinking about a ranking or scoring system for these first dates I am going on. The way I see it, dates can be rated on the following dimensions:
1. How closely he looked like his on-line photo or description (age, height, weight)
2. The venue or activity of the date
3. The ease of conversation
4. The intellectual chemistry (including sense of humour)
5. The physical chemistry (or what my friend CL says, "Can you see yourself sleeping with him?")
I don't know if those four things are equally weighted (because #4 and #5 are the two that make me decide if I want to pursue the relationship). And also because some of those things are related to each other.
Using this system, here is how I would rank last night's date with M:
1. He looked exactly like his photo and did not misrepresent his height/weight. 20points.
2. The venue/activity was good (hockey game), but not the best for having a conversation, so I'd give it 15/20.
3. Due to #2, it was hard to really get into a conversation. Score: 14/20.
4. Pretty good. 16/20.
5. This is the tough one. For now, I will give it a 12/20. I think the venue, etc. made it hard to really get to know him enough to feel any chemistry.
OK, wait a sec while I get out my calculator...
Score: 77
That's enough to warrant a second date, but I really need to see an increase in scores for #4 and #5 if I'm going to take it to a third date.
Plus, there are some intangibles, which kind of influence #4 & #5, like how he was dressed, how he spoke or ate, manners, etc. He did pretty well on those things. But I have to admit, I am still somewhat stuck over the fact that he is Chinese.
1. How closely he looked like his on-line photo or description (age, height, weight)
2. The venue or activity of the date
3. The ease of conversation
4. The intellectual chemistry (including sense of humour)
5. The physical chemistry (or what my friend CL says, "Can you see yourself sleeping with him?")
I don't know if those four things are equally weighted (because #4 and #5 are the two that make me decide if I want to pursue the relationship). And also because some of those things are related to each other.
Using this system, here is how I would rank last night's date with M:
1. He looked exactly like his photo and did not misrepresent his height/weight. 20points.
2. The venue/activity was good (hockey game), but not the best for having a conversation, so I'd give it 15/20.
3. Due to #2, it was hard to really get into a conversation. Score: 14/20.
4. Pretty good. 16/20.
5. This is the tough one. For now, I will give it a 12/20. I think the venue, etc. made it hard to really get to know him enough to feel any chemistry.
OK, wait a sec while I get out my calculator...
Score: 77
That's enough to warrant a second date, but I really need to see an increase in scores for #4 and #5 if I'm going to take it to a third date.
Plus, there are some intangibles, which kind of influence #4 & #5, like how he was dressed, how he spoke or ate, manners, etc. He did pretty well on those things. But I have to admit, I am still somewhat stuck over the fact that he is Chinese.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Teaser
Just a quick post to mention that I am going on a date with M tonight. He asked me to go to the hockey game. I am not optimistic about this one turning into anything romantic. I have a feeling that we'll have a pretty good "friend vibe" but that's about it.
Details to follow tomorrow...
Details to follow tomorrow...
Monday, January 04, 2010
What will the New Year bring?
I've been communicating with a few guys on-line. None of them really excite me all that much, and I'm not really that motivated to meet any of them in person. Here's a summary:
J: lives in Peterborough (strike #1). We've had some good e-mail banter, but haven't spoken live yet. Actually, I haven't heard from him since New Year's eve.
M: lives in Mississauga (strike #1) and has full custody of his two kids (strike #2 - only because of where he lives, not the kids themselves). He's also of a different ethnicity than mine, which (I have to be honest) is a concern (not a strike). He seems really interested in me, but I'm not so interested in him.
R2: lives in TO, has grown-up kids (not sure if that's a plus or a minus). His profile sounds great, but I am not attracted to his photos. He seems to say all the right things in his e-mail, but I just don't know.
I'm kind of down on the internet dating thing right now. I'm not thrilled by the idea of investing a lot of time communicating with guys on-line, only to find that I don't have any chemistry with them in person. And I'm not highly motivated to meet any of these guys in person any time soon, so I'm in a bit of a Catch-22 right now.
In a perfect world, I'd be invited to a dinner party and be seated next to a cute, single, interesting guy who was as interested in me as I was in him. I wouldn't have to compete for his attention with anyone else, so we could really get to know each other.
Oh, and he'd look like Bruce Willis or Hugh Dillon. ;)
J: lives in Peterborough (strike #1). We've had some good e-mail banter, but haven't spoken live yet. Actually, I haven't heard from him since New Year's eve.
M: lives in Mississauga (strike #1) and has full custody of his two kids (strike #2 - only because of where he lives, not the kids themselves). He's also of a different ethnicity than mine, which (I have to be honest) is a concern (not a strike). He seems really interested in me, but I'm not so interested in him.
R2: lives in TO, has grown-up kids (not sure if that's a plus or a minus). His profile sounds great, but I am not attracted to his photos. He seems to say all the right things in his e-mail, but I just don't know.
I'm kind of down on the internet dating thing right now. I'm not thrilled by the idea of investing a lot of time communicating with guys on-line, only to find that I don't have any chemistry with them in person. And I'm not highly motivated to meet any of these guys in person any time soon, so I'm in a bit of a Catch-22 right now.
In a perfect world, I'd be invited to a dinner party and be seated next to a cute, single, interesting guy who was as interested in me as I was in him. I wouldn't have to compete for his attention with anyone else, so we could really get to know each other.
Oh, and he'd look like Bruce Willis or Hugh Dillon. ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
