That's the question R asked me when we met this morning. I think he was asking it on multiple levels.
I left there with somewhat of a better sense of it (or maybe a confirmation of what I already knew). I also left there with a better sense of who I wanted it with. Or rather, who I didn't want it with: I really don't think I want it with him anymore.
I think I agree with him when he said that we were just too different. I told him what I needed from my partner (that he had not been giving me), and I don't think he's capable of doing that. Or for me to give him what he needs.
I didn't get a satisfactory answer to the "what happened?" question, but I guess I didn't really expect to.
Now don't get me wrong... there are things in me that R was able to bring out and uncover that I don't know if someone else would have been able to do. I guess I just need to focus on that - the gift that he gave me - rather than being sad about the part that the two of us could not make it work. And to be honest, I still do put much of that blame on him because he checked out (and never discussed things with me) long before I officially ended it. He also gave me a few lines today that I think are total BS, but whatever.
But getting back to the question of who I do/don't want it with, I'm pretty sure I don't want it with A1. Even though he was very understanding when I told him that I wanted to take things slowly, I still don't think he gets it. And I don't think that I can see myself falling for him at some point in the future. I guess I just have to tell him that.
So, I guess I do feel better having seen him and talked to him, even though I didn't necessarily get the resolution I was looking for. I think I was able to reclaim my heart, and that's all I really wanted.
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I'm glad you're feeling better about it. I hope this now helps to free your heart to move on.
You've got the right attitude... focus on what you got from the relationship. But also, remember why it didn't work out so you don't find yourself idealising it in "weaker" moments. Seeing the negative in the relationship isn't about seeing the negative in people -- just the match and the dynamic. I think you and I have discussed that before, so I know you know it.
Seeing it all as it really was, as much as possible, helps in the moving forward. It will also help, as you noted, in determining what you really want and don't want, and what you are and are not willing to change to make something work.
I had to learn all that the hard way when my R and I ended things after 3 years. Someone asked me "Would you have married him, as things were?" When I responded "yes" she scoffed and said "I don't believe that for a second!" I was puzzled but then she pointed out how all the conflicts we were having stemmed from me pushing back on things I could no longer accept. And she was right. We just weren't right for each other.
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