Lowest weight EVAH!!

Oh yes, girls and boys, La posted her lowest weight EVAH this morning: 165.2lbs! Woo! The other day, I had posted a 166.2, which was the lowest weight that I had been back in December, so I finally was able to re-lose the weight I gained over the holidays (only took me eight bloody weeks! Bah!). But today, I made my way into uncharted territory.

If my normal weight fluctuations are at all predictable, I full expect that I will see a few days of increase before I see another decrease, but I'm OK with that. I'm just happy to be making progress. Yea, me!

I had a good but brutal workout today. I went to the gym at lunch (hadn't been in two weeks - gah!) and planned to do 30 minutes on the elliptical, followed by some core and stretching. Well, I got on the machine and started "pedaling" away. All was good for the first 20 minutes. I got into a groove with my tunes but started to see that my HR was creeping upwards. I had been maintaining around 150 (which is a good hard tempo for me) and then it started to creep up towards 160. At about the 22 or 23 minute mark all of a sudden I hit the wall and had to scale the intensity way back. I went at a lower intensity for the last 2-3 minutes of my program and then did the full 5-minute cool down (but my HR would only go down to about 135, which is high for a cool-down). Even when doing my hamstring curls with the ball I could feel my heart beating in my chest.

I suspect that I might be getting sick. I'm feeling that little scratchiness in my throat that is indicative of a pending cold. I've been sucking on zinc, taking my Vitamin C, drinking lots of fluids and also took some ASA this evening. I'll know better in the morning whether this is going to be a real cold or not.

***

I did laundry after work today and on the drive home I started to feel a little down. I was thinking about how happy I was this morning about my new lowest weight. I was also thinking about how happy I am with myself and what I've been able to accomplish physically as well as in other aspects of my life. I'm relishing the new sense of self-confidence I have recently acquired. And I was thinking about some of the very flattering and remarkable things that people (virtual strangers, really) have said about me (and to me) recently.

So why am I sad? Well, with all these great things in my life, I am asking myself why don't I have the one thing - the ONLY thing - I really feel is missing: love and companionship? And why am I choosing to focus on the one incomplete part of my life instead of all the great things? So, part of my sadness is in the fact that I am dwelling on the negatives instead of celebrating the positives.

I'm sure it's just a small phase that will pass in due time, but it really has me perplexed (and mildly sidelined emotionaly) right now. And with all the pending Valentines-related stuff going on this weekend and into Tuesday, I'm much more sensitive to it.

It's also somewhat compounded by the fact that I have struck up a friendship with a guy with whom a relationship isn't possible right now. And I know that our flirty friendship isn't really good for me (since it isn't going to lead anywhere, at least not in the forseable future), but I'm having a hard time putting an end to it. Or rather, redefining it and not letting myself get too wrapped up in it. But it is working for me on some level, which is why I am not able to end it. I like the attention. I like the flirting. It's the only thing like that that I do have right now. If I give that up, then I have nothing (in that area of my life). And to be clear, I don't want to end the friendship; I just want to be able to extracate myself from the emotional attachment I have created towards him. That's not an easy thing to do.

Anyway, that's where I am right now: Happy, sad and maybe getting sick.

Edit: Oh, one other thing I forgot to mention... One of the conversations I had with said "friend" today was about my inability to get a date. He said, "I guess that must be tough for Ironmen since you're so busy with your training and have so little spare time." I replied that this was not, in fact, true. As an example, I said that I had just been out to dinner with 13 other triathletes (four of us training for Ironman this year), so we do have time and will make time for a social life amidsts our busy training schedules. But I also told him that there is a general perception among those who don't do what I do that I am just so incredibly busy and over-scheduled that I couldn't possibly find time to date or have a relationship, which is entirely not true.

I kind of equated it to the same syndrome that the most popular girl in school suffered from: none but the cockiest of guys asked her out because they all thought she was out of their league and would never agree to go out with a guy like him. So, Miss Popular was left at home on a Saturday night, dateless.

I kind of feel that way myself a lot of the time. People have this perception and impression of who I am (as evident by some of the overwhelmingly positive feedback I've had recently) and to some people that is intimidating. I can't for the life of me figure out why. I mean, I'm just a dork who puts up a good front. I want my confident appearance to put people at ease, not scare them away or make them feel uncomfortable around me. I am perplexed (and clearly, quite full of myself - ha!).