Searching for normal

After reading Trish's post about being "normal", I started to think about what "normal" really means. And, more importantly, what "normal" means to me.

To some degree, I have been striving to be normal for the last 28 years. My first feeling of not being normal was after my father died. I really think I struggled with trying to be normal ever since. It hardly mattered what I did or who I was friends with, I never really felt normal.

Certainly, when I was at a maximum weight of 235 pounds I was anything BUT normal. But everything I did (even before trying to lose weight) was motivated by trying to be normal and fit in.

Where some people would say, "When I lose the weight, I'll...", I would say to myself, "When I'm normal, I'll...". The excess weight was just the external evidence of how non-normal I felt inside. As an extension of that, I always felt like I would not be loved (or worthy of love) until I was normal.

So now, 65 pounds later, do I feel normal? Hmmmm... not yet. What will it take? Somehow I don't think it will be found in lost poundage, though.